One thing after another...

Who thought that I'd find the urge to blog two times in one weekend? Well lets just say that Brandon's attack was just the first thing in a series of incidents. After I came in the house I called Dad and had a pretty good conversation with him, it was nice. I made something to eat and sat down and watched some TV. Nothing too exciting, but I managed to "enjoy" the rest of my evening. I got up the next morning (Saturday) and did my final preparations for the ORELA, only to realize as I was walking up to the building that I was approaching a 4 hour test without my glasses... ok so it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I didn't get too bad of a headache. I almost lost it in the test too! here I was entering the science section of the test and questions about test/subject research came up asking about control groups and the amount of knowledge people involved in the study have, including the doctors. Instantly I could picture standing outside of ICU room 12 looking over this packet of material, listening to my uncle say that they're going to try it, even though they don't know if he'd even get the real treatment. I seriously needed some fresh air, but I knew I couldn't leave the building, though no one would have known I couldn't take the chance. I sucked it up, like Papa would have told me to and finished the test. I came back home and watched a movie on abcFamily, it was good... then I started watching something on my laptop while I attacked the mess that was my room, that's what happens during the week, I just let it go, only to attack it when I'm in the mood.... well I started in on trying to find a new location for a laundry sorter I bought, as I'm tired of having to sort my stuff out when I need to do a load. Anyways I started cleaning out my closet and came to my crate where I keep all of my hats, with the exception of my new OSU hat, so not the point. I was moving my hats to put something else in the crate, pulling each hat out carefully to stack them. That's when I saw it. The hat that Papa had given me, a thought crossed my mind and I thought just maybe if I tried I could smell him, by smelling the hat. Just something, a hint that he'd been there, that he'd worn it. Unfortunately it just wasn't there. Then as I was standing on my stool, clutching this hat I looked down to find his camera case, still containing the camera he loaned me eight years ago. Something that I don't know if he ever intended for me to have, but something that none the less I will treasure for the rest of my life. That brought me to look at my book shelf where my sacred bag of rocks sits, a constant reminder that no boy that he wouldn't approve of is worth my time, boys are stupid, throw rocks at them! Bringing me to yet another thought, if he isn't here to give me his approval, how will I know if someone is good enough for me? How will I ever know? School, this apartment is supposed to be my sanctuary, I'm not supposed to have to deal with this stuff here... I mean I know I do, but I'm not supposed to have it thrown at me. Then to top it all off I was watching TV on my laptop tonight and on this episode they were talking about people in the hospital and saying goodbye and again I lost it. I mean I can't help but remember that feeling of sitting in the main lobby of the hospital and staring up at the window that was his room and realizing that Lilly was no longer in the window and there was something covering it. Only to find out that they'd covered all of the windows in his room.
So here I am once again with this whole thing being torn open, I wish I could get a knot in the end, just to make it stop opening up everytime something triggers it. Again I am left without any energy, feeling empty, lost and broken... and I can only imagine that this is a fraction of what Gramma feels everyday, and I wish I could do something to ease that pain, but only time can help these wounds... so time is what we'll give it, right Gramma?