Never Truly Alone

For what is likely the first time in my life I feel truly alone. Please to those I've talked to don't take this personally. You are where you are and there's no changing that. Today started out a great day. I finally finished the third book in the Twilight Saga and was ready to move on to the fourth. Most of you don't know this, but every one at work is ahead of me in the series... you know how much I like being behind in reading something fun. So I go to work and have a pretty good day until the last two hours. LITERALLY THE LAST TWO HOURS OF MY SHIFT!!! This man comes to my line and I ring up his purchase and he's forgotten his wallet. He looks at me and says "I'll be back." I called after him to ask how long he would be, just to his car, home, some kind of judgment so that I would know what to do with his stuff. He had dairy and meat products. He finally said "I'll be back later." I took this to mean that he would be a while and I should likely put his things away. My manager was occupied and we weren't too busy so I just turned my light off and went to assist other people with bagging and whatnot. Five minutes later the man comes back, meanwhile my courtesy girl has gone to put his stuff away. He growls, "I take it you sent my stuff back." I calmly replied, "Yes sir, I thought you'd be gone longer." He barely even let me finish before he started in on me while I was trying to get Hailey to bring his stuff back. The man was so rude I had fellow cashiers stepping in to try to alleviate some of the hostility I was facing. I completely lost it... apparently I'm extremely emotional right now... which I knew why. So with that settled the rest of the night was ok. Even had a really hot ball player come though my line :)
When I got off... half an hour early... thanks Carol! I had a text message waiting from Justin. (Don't worry, he's just curious as to what's going on with me.) I texted him back and then told him that I was driving home and he could call if he wanted. We talked the whole way home, about what had been happening for the last four years. It was nice, no pressure, just talking like old friends. When I got home I decided to stop and check the mail, mostly junk, save for one envelope that I didn't like the look of. Nondescript and too plain. I opened it and my worst fear came true. I'm not going to go into details... could be nothing, could be the world. Justin kept me fairly calm, telling me to breathe when I'd stopped. I called Mom to talk to her... and no answer, her phone's off... so I called Gramma, and that was good. Then I called Jess, that was good too, other than the fact that they both pointed out that I was all alone. (DON"T FEEL BAD OR I"LL SHOOT YOU!) All alone. No one, they're all gone. Gramma's at home, Mom's in Washington, Jess in Idaho, Emily at camp. Not even my "secondary friends" are around... Kirsten (Though not really a secondary friend... is away also at camp... Melanie's across the country... Carissa's at home... and lets face it we're not as close as we used to be. To make all the matters worse, I'd just been discussing how I've been single for four years. I know all of you were pleased to see Mike go, but he was the last guy to really care... even if for a short time.
With all these weddings surrounding me, sometimes I have to wonder if I'll ever find love like that. I try to keep it light joking that "I need a boyfriend" but that's not it at all. I want to feel that kind of love. The kind that you can't possibly imagine living without. The kind that you don't want to fall asleep at night and can't wait to wake up in the morning because you don't want to miss it. I wonder if I used up all my chances at love growing up. I hope not, and I'll try to remain patient while God works on the man I'm supposed to be with. Until then I'll keep my love stories, keep reading and dreaming of a future so full of love that it'll be hard to believe it's real.