Changing Every Second

I'm sure this really doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I feel like I'm going insane. Maybe I'm like one of these 250,000 bouncing balls racing downhill. I feel like my mind and heart are racing right along with them, though crash is inevitable. I wish I could find some kind of balance between the extremes. Why, when I find something, or when something finds me do I have to go all in? Why can't I hold back and move slowly?

Since I tend to do this over and over again, maybe I'm more like this coaster, going through the loops. UP and DOWN. I climb up, only to fall back down.  

 Or maybe it's like this one, going through all the twists, turns, loops and falls just to start back at the beginning.

I need answers. I need to know what's going on. I need to know what I'm supposed to do. I KNOW that I was pointed in this direction at this specific time by HIS hand, I just pray it was more than just a distraction. It's getting harder and harder to keep from feeling hopeless. It's like how many times can you tease a dog before it'll finally just snaps?

Where are you summer?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you stayed away?
Where is the laughter you usually bring me?
Why can't I go outside to play?