Last week I posted on fb without thinking about it. "So there's this guy and I gotta admit, he's got my attention. Had it for a while now. Bottom line is if he wants me, I'm all his. And if he doesn't, I need to be set free." I didn't think about the reactions I'd get, or who would even respond. I was simply tired of just thinking of this person. I got a response and he knows who he is. Many people know who he is. He says we both know how we feel. Yes, we do, but is that all there is? This "if we only lived closer" mentality? I still don't know what's happening here... but by the end of this summer I will. I'll have my answer and I don't have any idea right now where it will leave me, but I know that I'll handle it with grace.
A couple of weeks ago I was all set to move 2.5 hours South of home to start my career. I tried SO hard not to get my hopes up. I knew that thinking past that interview was foolish. I am so hungry for my own classroom that I did it anyway. I thought about where it was that I could move, and if it would be possible to crash at the De's house to save money for a couple of months. I KNEW BETTER! So of course getting that phone call broke my heart. I've only had three interviews in my chosen field! What in the hell is wrong with me? I don't know if it's worse that I'm not getting interviews or if I got that far over and over only to be rejected. I'd say I'm not trying to whine, but this is my place to vent. Deep down I know that I'm a good teacher and I'll get my classroom someday, but right now it's hard to keep that in sight. Something has to change.
I've now been out of college for two and a half years and I don't feel like I've got much to show for it. I'm still living at home and not even getting anything saved or putting a dent in my student loans. Again I ask what in the hell is wrong with me? Oh that's right I'm too busy buy crap and doing things that I don't need to. Not to mention taking the summers off and not working at all.
I have zero will power. I'm so nice that I let people use me and stress me out. I say things to fix that, but don't follow through. I bend over backward to do things for others and it's getting me nowhere. My acupuncturist told me last week that he thinks that a good portion of my pain is emotional. So I wonder, would moving across the country... oh wait that's not really an option until I finish my masters. I'd be a fool to leave mid program. My big question right now is how can I fix the things that I've let slip out of my control?
*Disclaimer... I know that I'm switching tenses here... It's necessary, maybe by having people other than myself know my goals I'll feel more responsibility towards them. I'm horrible at setting goals and accomplishing them. I've only ever set and stuck to two goals. Graduate high school, and graduate college with honors.
So I said that this summer could be a game changer... I think that these are just part of what that could mean. I don't know it all now, but this is a start...
Step 1: Make a plan for mom. No more same day calls for "help" with things. Set aside specific days. That way she'll stop asking and you might be able to enjoy her company for just that instead of getting ticked off at being asked for something. *I <3 you mom, but this has to change or I won't be able to help at all.*
Step 2: That TV was bought for Zumba, not Hulu Plus. If you don't do the workout, you don't get the TV time. Period END OF STORY!
Step 3: That bike wasn't bought to collect dust either. You can't even make more than a 5 mile ride... Remember the goal is 25+ miles. You won't make it if you don't start riding.
*Steps 2+3=5. That's 5 days a week. NO LESS!
Step 4: That Master's is not just something that you need. It's something that you want. Quit acting like the thing should just be handed to you and do some damn work. You know if it's important you should be at the library where there isn't a 32'' TV sitting 10ft away.
Step 5: Your dog is leaving. He's not going to be just up the road for much longer. And while it's GREAT that dad's happy and moving forward, it will break your heart when he's gone, so spend some damn time with him.
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