I know that I'm capable of teaching these 4 year olds. That's not actually what's causing me most of the problems. What's causing me the most problems is the heartache of leaving behind 9 amazing students.
There's SM with her amazing personality! She is super smart and is always ready to help and has her work done before most of the others. I would be lying if I said she wasn't my favorite... Then there's B who makes me laugh! He's always ready for the next thing and knows exactly what I want to happen. K with her ridiculous dress, she wears it over a full uniform! SA with her quiet little voice... unless of course she's speaking Arabic, then she is one of my loudest! I just realized that I have the most to say about my four students who sit together! haha that's pretty funny if you ask me.
It was with a very heavy heart today that I spent my last hour of work moving their desks to their new classrooms. I feel like they were stolen from me. I mean we all know that I have attachment issues...
Here's what I leave behind. It was the worst feeling. Like I had failed. I don't think my feelings really have much to do with my ability to work in KG2...It's about leaving behind my first class that was 100% mine. There is no second first class. There's just the one. And to know that I wont get to watch them grow and learn is heartbreaking. My heart literally broke today for all the firsts I will miss and the fact that I have no control over it.
Goodbye G2C, I'll miss all 9 of you even though you'll be just up the stairs, you might as well be in a whole different country.
I don't know if I'll stay past Christmas break. I've even looked at tickets and I've got a job to return to, though it's a step backwards. There are only a few things keeping me here, one of which is possibly a cop out. The real thing that's keeping me here is the fact that I'm not a quitter. I don't know how long I'll allow myself to be pushed around (yes, I that's how I feel), only time can tell. But I know one thing for sure... I know longer know what a teacher is... I sure don't feel like one anymore.
37 Weeks until I'm free to come home!
3 comments:
Hang in there Cara. You are a great, caring person and you did not fail. Just remember you are talented and they need your talent in different places. You've got this.
As I read this I pictured myself hopping between rooms. I totally get what it's like to set roots and start to feel 'normal' then have to uproot and start again. I know you're a fighter and will rise to the occasion- but I also know you're an overthinker ;) There will be so much that is out of your control so focus on the things you CAN. Like meeting a new group of kiddos! You say there's only one first class...but I disagree. The awesome part of being a teacher is the fact that each group gives you the chance to start again- to be the first group for you at that time in your teaching career. You've still got a lot to look forward to and although I would be OVER THE MOON for you to be a drive away- I know in my heart you need to give this crazy/unexpected/totally sidelined change some time. I believe in you.
You are a teacher, no matter what the situation, age of children, or teaching situation. You have a gift. A gift that other people wish they had, and spend their entire careers trying to "get it." This experience, like all teaching experiences, teaches you something. I know you're super frustrated, and taking care of yourself is #1. Do what feels right and listen to your voice. I'm so proud of you for being so brave!
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