My own personal silence

I sit here in what is likely the closest to silence I ever am comfortably. The radio's on quietly enough that I can fall asleep. Well on most nights. This very early morning however, sleep alludes me. I've finished a book, played Mario Bros. and done multiple sudoku puzzles. I've realized that I don't write on here anymore. I also think I know why. I like the ability to stay caught up with people, but I don't like the fact that here, unlike my head, private conversations and even my handwritten journal I can't truly say what's on my mind. I can say the things that I'm ok with EVERYONE knowing, but not the things I feel should be kept from certain people. Or a certain person. That alone is a reason I would often be on here writing, but writing and then not posting them just isn't as fun.
Well, for those who don't know and are actually reading this I got into the Education Program here at WOU set to start in the Fall of 2008!!! This is extremely exciting and a bit overwhelming to be quite honest. Jessica is in the 3rd term and I see what she's going through, whether she knows it or not, she's become one of my biggest roll models. And with nothing against him, the day that Matt moved up here was one of the saddest of my life. I am beyond happy for Jess!!! She deserves all of the happiness in the world, but not getting to see her anymore sox as Dad says. It's kinda depressing watching all of my friends get married. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have planning to do for Jess's batchelorette party.
This term is going well. I love my Art Education class, it's a great chance to be creative twice a week at least. I also love my Human Sexuality class, the group is great and having Amy as a teacher again is also a big bonus. My ESOL classes are a mix, I love one while not liking the other. My PE class is only ok because it's with Marita, other than that it's kinda boring. (It's PE instruction basically, not a fun class)
oK, well now that I've done many things, hand written a book it seems, and have a migraine growing I'll take some medicine and head to bed, I think I'm finally tired enough to sleep, only to be up at 7:45am to head to class :)

~~Cara

Big time slacker!!

Ok so I know that I said that I would try to post more often and it seems that I've been doing less than before... well I've been busy with the end of winter term! YAY the boringness is over. Well spring break was... what's the word? Interesting? I had a pretty good break, very relaxing and got quite a bit of stuff done. Now I'm back at school and have already started my week with a 8:30am class... now I have a 5+ hour break before my next class. I've already gone and paid tuition and gotten my books, well ordered them at least. Well I guess that's an update :) lol enjoy... I'll try to get better... or I'll at least keep trying to do better :)

WOW!

Ok so Em is totally right, she could have done a better job updating my blog for the last two weeks. I guess I've just had too much on my mind to enjoy writing for fun. What that really translates to is that I've got too much homework that I've put off until the last minute and now it's crunch time and I have to play catch up. I seriously must enjoy it, I do it EVERY term. Last term it was WR440 and this term it seems to be my ESOL class. I haven't done a single thing for that class and I have three papers due next Tuesday. Not to mention my grant proposal and resource card rationale.

I got to go home this past weekend and spend some quality time with Gramma and see the rest of the family who came to dinner on Sunday to celebrate my birthday. Dad and I spent some time in Gramma's yard gettin a head start on the season to come by mowing and doing some trimming. Believe it or not it was the first time I've ever mowed a yard! (More than the let me try as a kid that lasted no more than thirty seconds) I tried the gas trimmer too, but I wasn't so good at that one. My cousin bought me beautiful roses! Which are currently sitting on my desk.

I drove down Saturday afternoon and decided that I would stop by Bales to pick up two roses to take up to the cemetery. I then drove over there and decided to start by going to Papa's grave, only his headstone still isn't up there so I had to use my detective skills to find him. Well, I went to where I thought it was supposed to be and found what I thought was the spot, but I just wasn't positive so I decided I would walk around for a few moments and make sure I was in the right spot. There really was only the one spot it could be, but I wanted to be positive, so I called Mom. Mom suggested that I walk over to the office and inquire there. So I started to walk across the field to the office and I had taken no more than two steps away from the grave when the seeminly clear sky just opened up an poured on me. I'm serious there were a few clouds sure, this is Oregon, but they were beautiful white cumulus clouds! And here it was POURING on me as I walked across the field. Jokingly to mom I said, I guess Papa was trying to tell me I was in the right spot after all. I got to the road and was getting kinda cold with now being wet and everything, so I looked up and said "Ok, Papa I get the picture, you can stop the rain now." And just like it started the rains stopped. Yeah Ok so scientifically it was a cloud burst, but not to me. In the only way he could, he was trying to tell me that I was in the right place all along. I walked back to where I started and left my flower behind, and trekked on to my next stop, Brandon. I left my rose there and continued on to Gramma's house.

Well I've spent way more time than I planned writing right now and I only have 15 minutes to finish getting ready for class... So I must go...

Cara

Update

Ok so I haven't written enough lately. Here's a blog. I have nothing new to add right now... I know I'm boring... too busy working on homework. Here Jess this is for you... an update... Ok. I'm done now :) enjoy! :)

A picture sparks a thought

I was looking back, I guess to see what I thought was so important in my life before December, nothing. Well not really, it's all trivial now. But that sparked another thought. I have a picture of Papa on my page and many times when I look at it I feel as if nothings changed. I mean I look at that picture and think about all the life captured in it... I think it's the only picture that doesn't bother me. Someone somewhere said that a picture captures your soul... I don't think I've ever given it much thought until recently. I look at that picture and I don't feel anything specific, at least anything different than I always have when I've looked at a picture of Papa. With some other pictures I look at them and something's missing. Maybe that seems strange, but there's one picture that I was looking at and I really felt as if something was missing from the picture. OK, well I have to get back to my Music midterm... maybe more later :)

The Writing Bug

Ok, so I think I've been bit by the writing bug. Has anyone seen him? I'd like to thank him. While I haven't been able to do the writing I'd like to... In this case a poem I intend to entitle Hero, or something close to... but I'm writing again. I've written more this week than I have since I can remember. I have a confession to make to my family... I haven't told any of you this yet... my I have my interview for the Education Program tomorrow at 1pm... I know I'm sorry I haven't called... you know me though I don't like to jinx myself when it comes to interviews... we all know I tend to find a way to not get a call after them. I know this case is a little different, and I prolly wouldn't have told Em either, but well she's my roommate and Ryan kept asking me if I'd gotten a call and I couldn't lie about it. I don't think I have anything else to say... I've written so much lately that there's nothing left flying around in my head... I love it... maybe some ideas for Hero will come to mind... Question... how do you leave a gift for someone who's "no longer with us"? *Yes I understand it's a strange question... don't ask me why, I likely wont tell you... but if you have any ideas please let me know... ANyways I'd like to know if people are actually reading this... so leave comments!!!!!!!!! yes M that needed more !!!!! and more than three :) Seriously yo's leave comments it's not nice to read and not leave comments ;) Or at least email me...

One thing after another...

Who thought that I'd find the urge to blog two times in one weekend? Well lets just say that Brandon's attack was just the first thing in a series of incidents. After I came in the house I called Dad and had a pretty good conversation with him, it was nice. I made something to eat and sat down and watched some TV. Nothing too exciting, but I managed to "enjoy" the rest of my evening. I got up the next morning (Saturday) and did my final preparations for the ORELA, only to realize as I was walking up to the building that I was approaching a 4 hour test without my glasses... ok so it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I didn't get too bad of a headache. I almost lost it in the test too! here I was entering the science section of the test and questions about test/subject research came up asking about control groups and the amount of knowledge people involved in the study have, including the doctors. Instantly I could picture standing outside of ICU room 12 looking over this packet of material, listening to my uncle say that they're going to try it, even though they don't know if he'd even get the real treatment. I seriously needed some fresh air, but I knew I couldn't leave the building, though no one would have known I couldn't take the chance. I sucked it up, like Papa would have told me to and finished the test. I came back home and watched a movie on abcFamily, it was good... then I started watching something on my laptop while I attacked the mess that was my room, that's what happens during the week, I just let it go, only to attack it when I'm in the mood.... well I started in on trying to find a new location for a laundry sorter I bought, as I'm tired of having to sort my stuff out when I need to do a load. Anyways I started cleaning out my closet and came to my crate where I keep all of my hats, with the exception of my new OSU hat, so not the point. I was moving my hats to put something else in the crate, pulling each hat out carefully to stack them. That's when I saw it. The hat that Papa had given me, a thought crossed my mind and I thought just maybe if I tried I could smell him, by smelling the hat. Just something, a hint that he'd been there, that he'd worn it. Unfortunately it just wasn't there. Then as I was standing on my stool, clutching this hat I looked down to find his camera case, still containing the camera he loaned me eight years ago. Something that I don't know if he ever intended for me to have, but something that none the less I will treasure for the rest of my life. That brought me to look at my book shelf where my sacred bag of rocks sits, a constant reminder that no boy that he wouldn't approve of is worth my time, boys are stupid, throw rocks at them! Bringing me to yet another thought, if he isn't here to give me his approval, how will I know if someone is good enough for me? How will I ever know? School, this apartment is supposed to be my sanctuary, I'm not supposed to have to deal with this stuff here... I mean I know I do, but I'm not supposed to have it thrown at me. Then to top it all off I was watching TV on my laptop tonight and on this episode they were talking about people in the hospital and saying goodbye and again I lost it. I mean I can't help but remember that feeling of sitting in the main lobby of the hospital and staring up at the window that was his room and realizing that Lilly was no longer in the window and there was something covering it. Only to find out that they'd covered all of the windows in his room.
So here I am once again with this whole thing being torn open, I wish I could get a knot in the end, just to make it stop opening up everytime something triggers it. Again I am left without any energy, feeling empty, lost and broken... and I can only imagine that this is a fraction of what Gramma feels everyday, and I wish I could do something to ease that pain, but only time can help these wounds... so time is what we'll give it, right Gramma?