Forward

Today while talking with someone I made the comment that I am happier now than I have been in the last few years. It made me stop and think. I am. We all have moments when we are down. But in the grand scheme of things... I'm happy. A couple of weeks ago I posted on FB "Today I expressed aloud a hope for my future that I have not expressed in quite some time. My problem is the years are just ticking by...this is supposed to be my future."  It made a couple of people worry I suppose, they thought something was wrong. It's not that there was something wrong, it was that I had finally realized that I had stopped hoping for my future. I had become resigned in my present. I don't know what my future holds, but I hope there's the kind of love in it that I saw between my grandparents growing up and that I see now in my best friend and her husband. So, yes, I'm looking forward. Learning to balance the hope for that love and the disappointment of realizing that I don't have it yet.

Coming Home

This is the face of a a girl who's truly happy for the first time in 4 months. 114 days to be exact. I went on what was supposed to be a grand adventure. An adventure which was supposed to kickstart my career, give me the experience and confidence that I needed to move forward. Instead… Instead I was moved to a grade which not only did I have no experience with, but had no desire to teach. Subtract passion. I was expected to teach with partial or no curriculum. Subtract educational degrees. I was left to live in a hotel with 75% of the school staff. Subtract mental health. When you subtract passion, education, and mental health… you get a shell… you break the soul...

I'm not going to make a record of all the things that were wrong. I have no reason to want to remember them. I am choosing to focus on the positive. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a little about love. I learned to live without. I learned to keep my mouth shut. I learned to look the other way. I learned that sometimes the right thing… will not be done for the sake of ones sanity. I learned that sometimes people are fake. I learned that sometimes people pull away. I learned that I am capable of changing lives. I learned that I can do a lot with very little. I learned that I can survive. I learned that there is rum out there that literally tastes good, but not where to get it stateside. I learned that I'm not alone, but to be truly alone is the worst feeling in the world. I learned that I don't like to travel solo, it's no fun.

I won't forget the smiles of Shamma or Bakheet when I'd teach them something new with base ten blocks. I won't forget the shy smiles of Sara or the mischievous ones of Shaheen. I won't forget the quiet times of Ali A. I won't forget Mouza lending a helping hand to those at her table without being asked. I won't forget the tantrums turned to happy smiles of Mouzah Mo. I won't forget the tearful terror of Ali O. having to ask Ms. Chaon for the class ball back. I will certainly miss my after school time with Eriyanna or Cooper. I'll miss chats with Mr. Harry, gossip fests with Jane, and checking the weather with Leigh. I'll miss the beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I'll miss the tshirt weather through December.

But my adventure is over. I'm home. I'm home for good. This is home and this is where I'm supposed to be. Coming home was like breathing fresh air for the first time in 114 days. (That might actually be true). Spending time with those I missed while I was gone was so precious. One experience had me bursting into tears. Reflecting on that time, it was like my soul caught up in that moment and realized it was whole, no longer broken.

What is a teacher?

What is a teacher? Is she four walls? books? pencils? Is she the curriculum? desks? chairs? Is she her students? I don't know that I know that answer anymore. Today the ground that finally felt somewhat solid turned to quicksand with 5 words. "I'm moving you to KG." I feel like I instantly went into survival mode. I just kept thinking, "This isn't happening." I walked around trying to wrap my head around it. Thinking, not of where I was headed, but what I was leaving behind.

I know that I'm capable of teaching these 4 year olds. That's not actually what's causing me most of the problems. What's causing me the most problems is the heartache of leaving behind 9 amazing students.

There's SM with her amazing personality! She is super smart and is always ready to help and has her work done before most of the others. I would be lying if I said she wasn't my favorite... Then there's B who makes me laugh! He's always ready for the next thing and knows exactly what I want to happen. K with her ridiculous dress, she wears it over a full uniform! SA with her quiet little voice... unless of course she's speaking Arabic, then she is one of my loudest! I just realized that I have the most to say about my four students who sit together! haha that's pretty funny if you ask me.

It was with a very heavy heart today that I spent my last hour of work moving their desks to their new classrooms. I feel like they were stolen from me. I mean we all know that I have attachment issues...

Here's what I leave behind. It was the worst feeling. Like I had failed. I don't think my feelings really have much to do with my ability to work in KG2...It's about leaving behind my first class that was 100% mine. There is no second first class. There's just the one. And to know that I wont get to watch them grow and learn is heartbreaking. My heart literally broke today for all the firsts I will miss and the fact that I have no control over it. 

Goodbye G2C, I'll miss all 9 of you even though you'll be just up the stairs, you might as well be in a whole different country.

I don't know if I'll stay past Christmas break. I've even looked at tickets and I've got a job to return to, though it's a step backwards. There are only a few things keeping me here, one of which is possibly a cop out. The real thing that's keeping me here is the fact that I'm not a quitter. I don't know how long I'll allow myself to be pushed around (yes, I that's how I feel), only time can tell. But I know one thing for sure... I know longer know what a teacher is... I sure don't feel like one anymore.

37 Weeks until I'm free to come home!

Eid Mubarak Break

So here I thought I was going to spend my entire Eid break sitting in my room, or chilling by the pool, but instead I just spent most of my break that way. Leigh made a great proposal and invited me to come to Abu Dhabi with her. So the two of us and Jane and Harry piled in the car and headed out.

Leigh and I had a whole list of things that we needed/wanted to get or to do. On the top of the list was a good burger! So we headed straight for Central Station. A burger place with only like 5 things on the menu! I got a burger and sweet potato fries! It was SO good! We also met up with a friend who works in MZ for lunch, which was a bonus!

On our long list of places we wanted to go was a bookstore... for those of you back home you should know that their idea of a bookstore is nothing like ours... this particular store had only a few rows of books and electronics, craft supplies, school supplies, office supplies and I'm sure there were other areas I didn't look at. I got a few things that I needed for the classroom and we checked one thing off our list. We decided to wander around the mall that the bookstore was in and I learned something new that I might just be obsessed with! It's called the "travelator" it's like an escalator without the steps! They're VERY popular here!

The Travelator

Over the next two days we went to a couple different malls, and YAS island to IKEA! I picked up a new pair of shoes, some more supplies for my classroom, a handful of new tops/under shirts and I even got some cheddar and sour cream ruffles! Oh and some strawberries from california... but they looked and tasted more like Hoods to me!

The right side view from the hotel room.

We joined back up with Harry and Jane and stopped by yet another mall on our way back to Ghayathi. I was able to find a couple more things to add to my growing purchase pile before we made it home! The remainder of the break has been spent catching up on TV, reading and relaxing... Too bad we head back to work on Sunday... 

One of my new tops and a happy girl to be back in my own room!

For the record I've started a Flickr account to keep a photo log of my time here... if you'd like to have more information please email me @ CnStars23@gmail.com and I'll get you the info you need! Thanks for reading!

An Emirati Wedding

A few weeks ago I learned that one of the staff members at the school was getting married. The more I heard the more intrigued I was by the whole thing. She was to be his second wife and the first didn't approve so she left, leaving her as the second, but only wife. I also heard that he was among the richest men in the city he lived in. I am being vague as a show of respect, hopefully I don't overstep those bounds. As people started talking of going to the wedding it was said that everyone would be invited, but I didn't actually hear that we all were until just days before. I made my plans to go with Leigh, Jane and Harry. Knowing that Leigh wouldn't steer me wrong in any way. Jane took me to a shop that sells abayas and I found one I really liked. So Thursday after work I showered and dressed and decided to go down to see, not only when we were leaving, but also if my dress passed muster. This is what I opened my door to...

Yes, that is my hotel... a picture taken right after stepping out of my room. It was straight out of a horror flick! Especially since we still had power in our rooms. Luckily there was power in the surrounding halls or it would have been much scarier!

Mr. Harry and his 3 wives, Ms. Jane, Ms. Leigh and Ms. Cara 

I don't know how to describe the wedding, I can say that it was an experience. We were greeted by a line of women, non of which I knew who they were. We then found our group from school and sat while they brought around huge two person trays full of all kinds of sweets and coffees and teas! It was more food than I could ever imagine and it was all before dinner! There were a few women who were dancing, but not many in comparison to the number of women who were in attendance.

Once dinner was served our table very carefully uncovered plates and put things onto our plates, while the locals literally dug into their platters! We were served camel and lamb, I actually tried some of the camel after two of my tablemates raved over the taste. It tastes a lot like pot roast, though Gramma's is MUCH better! 

This is the only picture I felt was ok to take of the hall as a whole. The case shown is one of two cases displaying the jewelry that was gifted to the bride from the groom. At the very end of the hall the wall was covered in white fabric and then beads were scalloped in front and up lit to change color. It was the only source of color besides the red carpet. Everything else was in white, light grey and silver. Over all things were beautiful especially the bride! It was a great chance to see some of my coworkers with their hair down, literally as they are all covered by shaylas at work.

This is the final picture of the night. I realized that I had gotten dressed and never took a picture before I put my abaya on for the night! But I'm super glad I had my abaya to wear as this outfit would have been far too revealing since no one ended up taking off their abayas as I was assured they would. 

Well I have SO much more to say about others matters so I will wrap this one up! 

A Little Bit Mine

I haven't felt much like writing because I don't want to only write about negatives and the positives are so hard to come by. Until today I hadn't even thought of taking pictures of my room. With the stark white walls, over abundance of boards (bulletin, smart, white), oversized desks, undersized chairs, and poorly placed teachers desk (which I cannot move due to cords and such) the thought of making anything like a classroom seemed impossible. For the first time today I felt like I was starting to see some kind of picture in my room...

This is to the left of my door... I put my calendar, months, days and the like up on the one chunk of wall that isn't marred by bulletin boards. The thought is that the "closet" there, or bookcase as we would call it will house my English stuff... yes I said English... like it's one subject... We currently are working on Jolly Phonics, which is a British phonics system... I kinda like it... though not my idea of teaching reading...

This is straight back from the board... The board on the left is for Science and the right is Social Studies, which I have NO idea what I'm teaching... Back home we can be much more creative... not because they don't want us to be here, but it's completely lost on the students. I was given this "social studies" book... copyright 1989... yep that's right it's over 24 years old! According to the info page it was last updated in 2009, but I find that hard to believe when I look at the pictures. 

The other side... now lets talk about the desks... if you can't tell... those desks are HUGE! And the chairs are tiny! For some crazy reason they gave 2nd graders the upper grade desks, like they didn't know that we were only going up to 3rd grade in our school. My poor students can barely sit with their arms on the desktops because they're so tall! Most of my kids do all of their work standing at their desk. I'm not sure if it would be better to get them the taller chars and have them not fit in them, but be taller, or keep things like this until they day we actually get proper desks. The board in the picture is my math board.

Here's the other side where my schedule is (though I had to hand write some... I should have printed blanks!) and pictures of the Sheiks (pronounced shakes). 

Here's my desk, which I cannot move because of the cords. There are no plugs in the walls, they're all in the floor and only in that one spot. I can't even have a lamp, or a listening station or anything like that because of they way they do the electrical. My desk is unfortunately right in front of the boards, which means that I can't keep the kids in their desks and do any teaching on the board! It kills me! Not to mention that there is no doc camera or anything to project manipulatives. 

This is my white board with my line up order and my behavior chart. It's only working so-so right now, but I hope to get it under control within the next couple of weeks. 

So... what else... Well I have a giant rolling white board for the Arabic and Islamic teachers, because they use the red and green pens which you know don't erase worth crap and then they leave it for me to erase.... like I have endless time to clean up after them! Each time I leave my class I have to lock all of my items away including pens, markers, pencils, stapler, tape... because if I leave it out someone will take it. Easy solution would be to lock the door, but that's not allowed. Oh and I can't turn off my lights either... the best I can do is turn off the back ones... it's a huge pain! I have no filing cabinet or way of making a portfolio on the students and no way of organizing my teaching materials other than the tray in the picture... I'm using the cabinets by the windows instead, which is a huge pain because it's just lots of piles. 

There are like 50 cleaners in our building daily and the place is still always dirty... and not because of stuff being tracked in... Coming over here you would never believe that this place is brand new!  Broken tiles, wobbly desks.. Oh and the doors! The doors are SO heavy my 2nd graders can barely open them. And they're not allowed to go to the bathroom without an escort. We're trying to get something figured out, but I have to stop class to take them to the bathroom, and 5 minutes letter they have to go again! It's absolutely ridiculous! 

On the bright side we got our housing assignments this week and we're getting our keys on Monday. Not that we can move in to our apartments, but it's another step. They said it could be another month before we get our furniture allowance. Which means maybe by Thanksgiving we'll be in our apartments.

For the record... I don't see myself staying past the year. While it's not absolutely awful being here... It's nowhere that I want to stay and I'm not happy here. I feel like there needs to be some measure of happiness. I'm existing here, and I'm safe, and the money is nice, but I don't want to be here and I'm not sure that it's worth it to stay just for the money. I feel like I've had my adventure and it's time to come home. So I don't think I'll come home to visit, but we'll survive and I'll be home before we know it.

The Only Way is Up...

The situation at work right now is so bad, I think I'd be willing to say that I've hit rock bottom. For now I'll focus just on the work and classroom stuff... I took a picture of my classroom on the last work day before the students were scheduled to come start their year.

Yes, this is what the rooms look like for 2nd & 3rd graders. The desks are too large, (though before the students came they did swap out the chairs for smaller ones), there is nothing on the walls (though they did put up the bulletin boards before Sunday), There is a "smart" board, but no pen to use it with, and the software doesn't allow us to work on our computers while displaying anything. 

I would love to sit here and tell you all about the amazing things happening to me here, but it would be a complete lie. The biggest part of me believes whole heartedly that this was a huge mistake and I wish that I would have known how many half truths were being fed to me. 

We finally got our teacher editions on Thursday (That's my "friday") for math, but not for any other subject. I haven't actually taught my children anything in the week they've been in school.  They've spent much of their time in front of the screen watching videos, and to be honest not educational ones, save for an hour in the morning when they do signing time. 

There was one day that my students had to wait an hour and a half to get their lunch. It's things like this that make me so disappointed. The communication is insanely non-existant, and I don't have a functioning clock or AC in my classroom. Now some of you might need a reminder that it's over 100 degrees everyday here... 

I was first given a roster of 6 students for 2C... Sunday 5 of them showed up and they added two more throughout the day. Because of understaffing midway through the week we had to take 2A and divide the class between 2B and my 2C. I had finally started to get an understanding of my class when they added 5 more. 

Then there's the staff... Now let me start by saying that I LOVE the people I share my "home" with... but I am SO aggravated by the people that "work" with me... yes I said "work." I'm talking about those who are never where they're supposed to be, don't get the work done that needs to be done and basically leave all of us hanging...

So my goal for this week is to get things put up in my classroom even though I don't have everything I need... 

One step at a time... that's what I need.