I'm sorry...

I know that instead of blogging I should actually be making phone calls, but I'm a pansy. I've been a real grouch this week and for it I'm sorry. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. Until my brief chat with my brother I didn't even know what it was that was affecting me. I thought that it had something to do with graduation, but I really couldn't pinpoint it, nor did I want to try. Two days from now I'll be a college graduate, I'll be walking across the stage and recieveing a rolled up piece of paper until my degree acutally comes. Eight days from now it will be three years since Papa died. I'm angry. I'm angry and I don't have anyone to be angry at. Graduation is the first milestone I have to face without him. All I want is to be able to hear his voice and I know I'll never hear it again. Since high school I've dreamt of hearing him cheer me on at my college graduation and I'll never hear it. Sure I can here what he's say, but I can't hear him. It's not fair, and I'm mad. I've been trying so hard not to take my feelings out on other people this week, especially since I didn't even know what was causing them, but I don't think that I've been very successful. I have a lot of wonderful people who are proud of me and love and support me and I am very very thankful for all of them. As great as they are, they can't fill the void that's left behind by his absence. I just pray that I can remain strong enough and can feel his presence with me on Saturday. I know he'll be there, watching and cheering me on, I just hope that I can feel it without other people trying to tell me that he's there.

The Closing of a Chapter

Graduation is just days away. It seems unreal that in mere days I'll be done with my degree and walking across a stage yet again. It seems like just yesterday that I was in the tunnel with my friends waiting for the march to begin. Like just yesterday when my parents and grandparents dropped me off at my dorm and said goodbye. It's amazing to think it's actually been 5 years. I can still picture standing in front of the WUC watching them pull away. Freshman year brought about new friends, as well as new enemies. New crushes, new experiences, new food, and new travel. That summer brought new love, new heart break and a new resolve on life. Sophomore year brought about a new apartment, a best friend, and new leadership experiences with AFROTC. It also brought me a new lease on life, one that showed me that you can't escape your passion. Junior year was like a fresh start with a new major and shortly after a new roommate. Senior years flew by. Though at times it's still unreal that Papa's not here. Now after all this time it's about to be over. I'm really going to finish, it's like I can see the finish line and instead of having a burst of energy to finish I'm walking, quite slowly, not sure that I want it to end just yet. I'm ready though, For the first time I'm not bogged down by deadlines and due dates. I'm ready to turn my work sample in and be done with it. Ok so no I haven't actually finished my work sample, but I'm so close that I don't want to do it anymore. I just need that one last burst of energy to finish everything. It's coming... maybe tonight after I eat my chicken... oops!!! MY CHICKEN IS STILL IN THE OVEN!!! Ok so my chicken's fine, still not quite done but that's ok! Guess I should go keep an eye on it though :)

Ciao

Musical Escape....

I'm sitting here at my desk with my playlist going... in the same place I've been sitting for the last hour and a half. I'm up almost two hours past my bedtime, but I just can't seem to make myself press stop on my music. It's got me hooked. Sometimes when I'm listening to music, especially when I'm alone, I feel like I'm tuned into a different part of myself. It's like a much stronger version of how I feel when I'm at church. Strange I know.

Music truly is my escape from the world. Not always from bad things though. Music gives me my high. I apologize if that sounds wrong or inappropriate. Dancing used to be it for me, but as I've grown dancing has just become second nature. One of my students came up to me last week and asked why I was always twirling around. He even demonstrated what he'd been seeing. It kinda caught me off guard, I didn't realize that I'd been doing it. I looked at him and said, "I guess I must be happy, I dance when I'm happy." It's true. I do dance when I feel happy. My best school days are when I walk into the building with my iPod playing. It gets me fired up for the day. Music has been my escape since I can remember. I'm glad I have my music, even if I can't play an instrument, or sing well, music makes me happy.

Gone to forever chase his basketball...

Saturday brought great sadness to my family. Our beloved Wyatt decided that it was his time to join Papa. Wyatt's importance to me is unknown to many people. For it to be understood I have to go aways back.

When I was in kindergarten my dad found a beautiful dog at a job site. We named her Measha and she was part Husky, part wolf. She was a wonderful dog, however she liked to run away. On Christmas Eve morning she gifted us four precious puppies, 3 resembling her and 1 resembling... well something else. That of course was the puppy I feel in love with. We named in Bear and he was an amazing pet. He was the only puppy we kept and after Measha ran away again he was the only pet we had. We moved to a new house and he became our protector. We lived there for two years. Then came the time to move again. This time we were moving into an apartment. This meant that Bear needed a new home. My only happy thought was that my aunt and uncle were going to take him. Then they too had to move. My entire childhood I was told that a new home was found for my Bear. It wasn't until I was much older that I found out that I was lied to. I vowed I'd never again want a dog.

Then my senior year of high school my dad and I moved. One day he brought home this dog. This dog who snapped at me, and meant I had to do all of this extra work. I had to feed him, and make sure he had water, and take him our and play with him and let him outside. Slowly Wyatt wiggled his way into my heart. When dad started spending more time at his girlfriend's hosue Wyatt and I stayed home. He became my best friend, and greated me every day when I got home from school. Sure he slept with dad, until dad left for work, then it was my bed he wanted.

I remember the first time he had a seizure since we had him. It was the scariest day of my life! I was sitting in the dinning room at the computer desk and he walked past me. He was always walking over my feet. This time, however he ran into the desk. I looked down and realized that he was shaking. I ran for the phone and called my dad, who didn't answer. My next call was to Papa. He told me I just needed to sit with him, and that if I was still scared I should get my neighbor to sit with me until my dad got home. We sat on the porch, and the second Wyatt heard dad walking up he just jumped up like there was nothing wrong.

I'm sad that he's gone, but I feel honored that he felt safe enough with me to be willing to go in my arms. I'll miss Wyatt, but I'm thankful for all of the wonderful memories I have of him. He'll always be a part of my family.

Quote of a Lifetime

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, Be afraid that it will never begin!"

My brother sent me this quote some time ago and recently I rediscovered it while I was cleaning out my inbox. It's definitely a quote that makes you stop and think about the things in your life. I truly feel blessed to be surrounded by the people in my life. Not just the people in my family, and not just the people I see on a regular basis. It's the delicate balance of all of those people who have helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

I've been let down by the very person who was never supposed to let me down. I've had my heart broken more than once, and yes it was harder the second time. I'm sure I've even broken a heart or two, though never intentionally, and believe me when I say that I remembered what it felt like to have mine broken. To the point of thinking of sacrificing my own happiness to save theirs. I've fought with some of my best friends, though usually it flies under the radar. I'm sure I've blamed new for something old did, and I'm sure I'll do it again. I've spent quite a bit of time crying because time is passing too fast, and because I've lost someone I love.

Due to all of this, I will try to remember to take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like I've never been hurt. This if the final page of one chapter of my book, but there are many more chapters to follow. I look forward to turning the pages and seeing what the future will bring.

Jealousy

 I hate jealousy. I guess I should say that I hate being jealous. I can easily handle envy. I face envy on a daily basis. I'm envious of my best friend and her husband, I'm envious of my friends who have already graduated, and the ones who have jobs. I'm envious of the people around me who seem to handle things better than I do, but I don't handle jealousy well. To me it's like a toxin coursing through my veins. It starts small, then it grows. The worst part is that instead of feeling envious like I think I should, I'm mad at the situation. It seems like it's always someone or something else. Do I talk? No, not really... I get a how's school? It's starting to feel more like, "Oh that's right... you're still in college... aren't you ever going to finish?"

I guess this is something that I need to work on. I've always thought envy was ok... but now that I'm thinking about it... isn't envy one of the seven deadly sins?

Vegas!!!

So I know that for many of you who read this you'll have either been with me, heard all about it from me, or well... my mom could have told you everything! I spent the 15-19th in sunny Las Vegas with three of my favorite people! I don't think that I've ever walked so much in my entire life! Day one I made the mistake of thinking we were just going to go get food before resting and wore really cute shoes! Those shoes resulted in the worst blisters I have ever seen in my entire life! Imagine walking with inflatable nickles on the bottoms of your heels for starters. Then add a blister growing up the outside of your foot. That gives you a picture. I tried blister blocker bandaids, popping the worst blister and wrapping my foot. I felt like I tried everything while still being able to walk... well if you really call that walking. :) Some would, others wouldn't. That was the only downfall to my entire trip! I can't say that it helped, but things could have been much worse.

The coolest thing we saw was in PH (Planet Hollywood) and that would be Bruce Willis. On the left is a quick shot with my phone of him... though you can barely see him, and on the right is me with his handprint outside PH. It was actually Jessica V. who spotted him first I believe. Which was funny because my mom had just told me earlier that she'd seen that he was supposed to be there at some point that weekend. So I can officially say now that I've seen a celebrity in public!!!

We saw lots of great things and even took in Bette Midler's show. It was absolutely hilarious until the last song. She closed her show with Wind Beneath My Wings and boy did I cry. We spent time by the pool. Danced the night away at Studio 54. Watched the lions lay about at MGM Grand. Got lured by the Sirens of TI (Treasure Island). Witnessed the fall of Atlantas in Ceasers Palace. Oogled over both our waiter and cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. Found the jewelery of my dreams!!! Swam with the fishes at Mandalay Bay. Fulfilled goals/dares at Fremont Street/Studio 54. Saw a guy who thought Oregon Girls Rocked and proudly wore a shirt saying so. We even went to the top of the Eiffel Tower at the Paris.

The greatest thing about our trip? We're all still friends! I think... though I haven't heard from anyone since we got back... Jess... Em... Jessica... we are still friends aren't we? ......... Just kidding!

Lost in Confusion

I haven't blogged in so long I wouldn't know what my last post was without actually looking. That's very sad to me. I've become so "busy" that I've lost my most prized passion. Writing has taken a backseat to everything. This is hopefully the beginning of the end of my dry spell. I've had lots of things change and I have a very exciting summer coming up. I'll be spending the majority of my summer in Washington working at a Girl Scout camp as their leadership specialist. I'm truly looking forward to the fun and challenge of another summer at camp.
I don't have much to say... but I'm definitely feeling very lost right now. I'm so lost that I can't find my usual end of the term motivation to finish up the last minute things. I have like four really simple papers to turn out as well as corrections, as ridiculous as they may be, on my work sample. I feel completely disconnected from the world. I almost completely lost it at school today. We have a student who moved today. Literally her parents were just waiting for their kids to finish their day at school before pulling the Uhaul out of the driveway. We were watching a video and the table group this student sits at was sitting in one of the tents that were set up in the classroom. (Yes REAL tents were set up. We were on a two day camp out in the tropical rainforest.) Anyway at this table sits the girl who was moving and her best friend. I happened to look down and notice that they were clutched on to one another. Now this is normally breaking the "no touch" rule, but I simply didn't care. I can remember being back in 6th grade and having this same feeling. It's how Melanie and I pretty much spend our whole last day.
On a different note I heard a really funny story today.... At our school the last weeks of school the first and second grade classes participate in a reenactment of what it was like to live in the old days when students went to school in a one room school house. For this the students are completely surrounded in a new life at school. They're given new names, families and other things that I haven't yet learned. The important part here is that they're given new "old fashioned" names. In one of the classes there was a boy who's new to the U.S. He comes from a place where their native language is not English. (nor is it Spanish) One day while in class (I'm sure is was very shortly after they were given their names and called on a few times) this student raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks the following question: "Teacher, why you call me fat ass?" The teacher's reply was, "Thaddeus, Th, Th, Thaddeus, I'm calling you Thaddeus." In his home language they don't have the Th sound and the student was hearing something completely different. I personally felt bad for this student, but the incident was quite humorous. :)

The Ups, the Downs, very downs, and the Ups again.

Well first off I'd like to start with the ups... At the end of last week I decided that I seriously needed to partake in some very important girl rituals. Namely getting my hair cut. The last time I'd gotten it cut I didn't really like it from day one. I'm used to this as my hairdresser usually just does whatever she wants (within reason), but the last time I never really grew into liking it. This time I took in a few pictures of how I'd previously had it cut and really liked it. She started cutting and asked if the length was right and I, being the spontaneous one said, "Na, just a little shorter." Now that it's too short to put in a pony tail I am frustrated at it, but I still love it!!! It may not seem like a very different look, but it sure feels like it. People were telling me that I looked more my age, only I was carded in the bar that very night, and all I ordered was a Coke.

Unfortunately with my ups, comes my down. As many of you know, back in October I was planning this wonderful surprise for my Gramma for her birthday in November. I wanted to take her to see Wicked that was coming in March, yet the tickets didn't go on sale until December. So for her birthday I made this awesome card formally inviting her to accompany me to the event. As soon as the tickets went on sale I sat down with her on the phone and started looking at dates and times and seats. It was a whirlwind of an adventure to get it all lined up. We had decided on the 28th of March as it was the last Saturday before Spring term started at school and I didn't know if I'd have any other plans for the break. I bought our tickets and only gave them a slight thought for the next three months.Tonight I sat down to print the tickets, as our date would be this Saturday. I logged into tickemaster.com and to my surprise it said that I had no upcoming events. I thought surely this was a mistake and that maybe I'd just clicked on the wrong button. I then went to my ticket history. There to my disbelief was the date for my tickets. March 21, 2009. Yes folks I said the 21st, last Saturday. Gramma and I have officially missed our show. Instead of getting ready for a wonderful afternoon of entertainment I spent last Saturday in the doctors office having tests done. Now I'm at the mercy of the powers that be at the Keller Auditorium. I called ticketmaster, just to check and make sure there was nothing that could be done and they told me that the Keller has the power to re-seat people in situation where the tickets have not been picked up or printed. I'll spend the rest of my evening praying for mercy, praying that whom ever I end up talking to tomorrow will be having a good day and be feeling like paying it forward.

Speaking of paying it forward... Lately my budget has gotten VERY tight, and while the things that are happening are for the best, it's still going to be very interesting getting everything paid. No more eating out, no more trips to walmart... though this is not a bad thing and since I didn't do much of it last term I have some money saved up. Anyway back to the paying it forward part. So even though I've found myself on a shorter money leash, I've also found myself to be more giving. There are many charities out there right now that are asking for donations. I haven't said no yet, nor have I just been donating the minimum $1. I've been donating to March of Dimes, to Animal Shelters and a few other charities. I feel better for it. If everyone just gave a little, it could easily be a lot.

So I urge you, get involved. Anyway you can. Time. Money. Or even just word of mouth. It's up to you, How will you pay it forward?

Turning another year older...

Who would have thought that just hours before officially turning 25 I would be up baking 25 individual star shaped cakes? I never did, but you know me once I get a random idea it's not likely that I'm going to do something simple. I like to say go big or go home! Well I did, it took a bit of work, but I managed to bake and frost all 25 cakes and only about 7 went to waste that I know of. I baked the cakes not only for my birthday, but also for the spring picnic we were having for the staff at school. Even if it was a few weeks left until the official start of spring.

My 25th birthday started out uniquely. My mom started by texting me at 9 the night before to inform me that it was at that time 25 years earlier that she was telling my dad to hurry up and finish bowling, because she was going into labor with me. My dad texted me first thing the morning of my birthday to wish me a happy day. My mom also texted me a very special poem of sorts.

I guess that this would be a good time to mention that I was not looking forward to turning 25. It was a really rough start to a day that I honestly just wished would wait a few more years to come. I had always thought that by 25 I would have done so much more in my lifetime than I have. I thought that I would be married, finished with school and have started my career and be gearing up to have children. It was hard to think about the fact that I was turning 25 without any of those things being a reality.

I started my day by going to school and only informing my students that the day was special and that I had a surprise for them at the end of the day. When it came time for me to be able to share what I had for them (juice and cookies) they had many other guesses of what the surprise was, that their teacher was leaving early for the day, that the PE teacher was going to come in and sit with them, they had no idea that it was my birthday. When they found out they sang and gleefully drank their juice and ate their cookies.



After school was over Emily met me at my school and we ran errands together before meeting Matt and Jess at Red Robin's. I also had a good friend Breanna, who was working at the time to help make the evening even more special. We got seated before other people on the waiting list thanks to Breanna who was more than happy to add our table to her already stuffed to the max section. We drank and ate and I opened some WONDERFUL gifts from both Emily (Thanks for my teacher stuff and my necklace!!!) and Jess (Thanks for my music, book and life support!!!). We also took some very crazy pictures and

Breanna even make me this awesome hat before she

(along with the rest of the restaurant) sang to me!

I loved the hat, even though it said "Wow you're old!" on it. I'm really thankful to my wonderful friends who helped make the day extra special!!!

I AM...

I AM…I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL AND A GRWON WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING AND CARING AND THOUGHFUL AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, AND CARFUL AND CARELESS. DOUBT IS MY WORST ENEMY. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED, BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUtSIDE, WHILE I’M DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION, AND MORE IN TRUE LOVE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE.

I found a variation of this a while back but decided to finally tweak it to really fit me. I've been doing alot of reflecting lately and well I'm not sure what I've discovered... or maybe it's just that I'm not ready for everyone to know what I've discovered. I made a personal realization the other day that had a profound impact on my life. I just pray that I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. It's the doubt that's my worst enemy.

I just went through all of my quotes, of which I have 9+ pages worth. They really made me start thinking about things. This is one of the things I found among many others. It made me smile. I've found I'm finding things that I never thought I'd find. :)

Ever Growing...

So I got to spend this past Thanksgiving taking a trip with my nephew Brett to Kennewick, WA to spend some time I with my mom. It's amazing to think that this boy is growing up so fast. I remember back when he was still a baby. I remember just days after they brought him home from the hospital and he fell off of the bed.

I remember him wandering around Gramma & Papa's yard following after with gardening tools in his little purple jumpsuit. I remember laying with him in his "big boy" bed to get him to sleep at night. I remember packing him around with me when I wanted to hang out with friends. I remember going with his first grade class to the pumpkin patch.

Now he's 13 and inches taller than me. Sometimes I wish he could just realize 1/10 of his potential. He's been so beaten down over the years I just can't imagine how he'll overcome it. I believe that his maturity level is so far behind that of his peers that he'll have a horrible time trying to catch up by the time he reaches high school. It seems like that everytime he appears to be on top of things that something goes horribly wrong and a good chunk of the time it's him that causes the problem, through lying or doing something that he knows good and well that he's not supposed to be doing.