Hum-drum

Here's to the new year. Oh wait, I'm not excited for the new year. Not one iota. I mean seriously do we need another excuse to stuff our faces and drink a crazy amount of empty calories? Why on earth do we have a new year in the middle of a season any way? Here's the things I have to look forward to this year...

Telling my nephew that the last piece to finish his birthday present might arrive sometime in February when his birthday is the 31st of December and I started working on it in November. Stupid fabric manufacturer!

Scrounging for subbing jobs.

Renewing my drivers licence for which I have to once again prove that I'm a legal citizen. I mean really? I already have a licence. And I have to take a new picture.

Having more tests done just so some lab monkey can change their mind on what the results are yet again.

Dealing with the fact that I am yet again facing another year where I don't have a full time job and I still live at home. (Even though I love my Gramma, I'd really like a place to call my own.)

Ok so now that I've got all the negative off my shoulders I can think about the positives.

I have a job in my field of chosen profession, even if it's not the ideal one my degree is being used as it was designed.

I have a roof over my head and am not expected to pay rent or any bills (Though I feel I should do more than I do).

I have found what seems to be a wonderful church and am working on strengthening my spirit.

I have found this crazy desire to move. Like right now, I'd love to go for a run. (If you really knew me you'd understand how crazy that sounds).

I have a job that pays decently and will likely get out from under stupid debt soon.

I feel like even though I don't feel like I have all that much going for me right now that I can choose how I see my life this next year. I am choosing to try to look at the positives and just deal with the negatives. Here's to a great year!

Unnecessary Panic

I seriously feel like I might drop from a heart attack. My headache which I just got rid of is now raging out of control. Laptops... I think I just might hate them. Maybe it's students lack of brain power to put things where they belong. I don't know if you've ever used a laptop cart before, but they're pretty basic. I've used them at lots of schools. There are several slots one for each computer with a charger in the slot as well. The spots are number along with the individual computers. It's really easy, when you're done you just slide the laptop into the spot you got it out of and plug the cord in. There's no remembering where you got it from and no question as to where it goes. Could my class handle this? No they couldn't. They double stacked two computers causing me to have heart failure when I looked at the cart and saw that there were two spots that were empty. I seriously freaked out. Knowing that I wasn't really supposed to be using the laptop cart to begin with and now I've lost two of them. I immediately took note of which one the one student left in my room had, asked her to stay put while I went next door and asked the teacher to call security. THEY SENT ME FOUR PEOPLE!!! FOUR!!! After the second one arrived we opened the cart back up and I started going through each spot. This is when I discovered that the two that were missing we in spots that already had computers! I couldn't believe it. I reacted without thinking. I panicked.

I guess the upside to this is that there were no computers missing, but I didn't discover this until I'd already made a fool of myself. Now I'm sitting here in my last class and all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep.

P.S. The Haitian girls in my class are my favorite! They're SO smart and actually respond about what they're thinking when they ask for help!

Blast from the Past

Today I taught at Westview, home of the Wildcats and my Alma mater. Being back at Westview is odd enough. Add to it the railings which have finally been relieved of the Sunset purple paint and dressed in navy, red & grey or the sixteen new classrooms, which in no way match the rest of the school’s interior. Standing in for someone whom I’ve always looked up to is altogether different.

Today I started like any other day. I got up, showered, dressed, packed my lunch and left the house. I drove to work and greeted the secretary, this time someone I’ve known since I was 14. I went to CJ’s office, got my plans for the day and headed to my classroom. After getting all settled and ready for periods 1 & 3 I looked around the table I was sitting at and spotted the Westview Prowl. The Prowl is the school’s newspaper and I’m sure it went by another name in another time. I picked up a copy and started reading. I read about 50 student math classes and 19 student AP Art classes. About a lack luster weight room, the end of a coaching dynasty and how sagging pants are the most irritating fashion at Westview. I also read about CJ’s adventure with “The Three Musketeers” and new theatre design teacher. Sadly I got to read about the Sunset Vandal who defaced Westview property heading into their spirit week. I then turned the page and once more and was hurled back in time four years. The school paper had decided to run a spread about how the war has cast a shadow over Westview. They focused on various students past and present who had dedicated themselves to their country. One of the articles was about the start of it all and included a review of the story about Marcus Nettles. As I was reading this I was taken right back to the day that they reported him duty station whereabouts unknown. Flash forward and I’m at the state fair where there’s a display up and Papa’s helping me to find Marcus’ name on the wall. Just knowing that if anyone really understood what I was feeling it was him. Flash forward and I’m sitting at a table reading a newspaper article about a guy who today’s students see as just a soldier. Not the amazingly nice guy who never judged a person by what crowd they fit in with. Not a brother, son and husband.

The rest of my day continued, nothing but one memory after another. Especially once I got started with Acting I, formally known as Intro to Theatre. The students were working on performing their monologues. I could instantly picture myself sitting on that very stage reciting my monologue from my freshman year. It was about a girl who had had enough of her family and decided that she’s going to hide out in the attic. This seems to go on forever as she rants about how horrible she has it until finally she gets hungry and has to go down to the kitchen for food. Yes that was from my freshman year of high school and I still remember the gist of what it was about.

The kicker to this blog entry? I wrote 90% of it by hand while I was working, and typed it on my laptop while the rest of my family slept so that I could post it the next day!

Thinking Positively

I got this from Em, who got it from someone else, who in all likely hood got it from someone else. I liked it so I'm doing it. :)

Today...
I love the smell of
freshly cut pickles.

I love the sound of
lockers closing at the end of the day.

I love the sight of
kids being kids.

I love the taste of
an ice cold Pepsi

I love the feel of
jeans on Fridays!

I have so many things to be thankful for this week. I've been blessed to have worked three of the five days this week and gotten 4 days worth of calls. (Being in Idaho for the first call) I've already picked up two days for the coming weeks. I had a great day at Meadow Park MS and I got here 30 minutes early for the day. I also didn't have any behavior problems that weren't easily handled with a stern word or serious look. BUT I did just realize that I forgot to pass out the handouts for the weekend... dang. Oh, well... I'll blame the assembly!

Coincidence, I don't think so...

It's interesting the things that we're guided to do. For Em it's was a trip to the beach, for me it was finally ripping open the plastic surrounding my new bible. My new bible wasn't bought by me, or even directly for me, but I was presented with an opportunity to receive it. I was drawn to my bible.

The bible I've been using was bought for me back in 1998 when I started going to church with a friend. It was bought so that I could fit the picture of what a certain person felt I should look like if I was going to church on a regular basis. I'm pretty sure I helped pick it out, as well as the cover for it, though it wasn't bought for what I feel is the right reason. It's a teen study bible and when I got it I was just that, a teen. Now I'm 26 and it's still the one I use for reference much more often than the one my gramma has sitting out.

I should start by saying that this all goes back to camp. I never had the words to blog about camp. I think it's because I fear that I got far more out of it than I gave to the kids. For quite a while that has left a darkness within me that I couldn't explain. The whole time I was at camp I felt like the kid. I'd sit in chapel and listen to the stories for the very first time, thinking that's really in my bible?! Even worse, I'd sit in the counselor meetings while just the kids were in chapel and think, wait I'm missing pieces here... I can't keep up if I'm not in there. I wouldn't just stand there and sing the songs, I felt them move through me, felt Him move through me. For the first time in a long time I was learning what it was like to have a relationship with God and not be questioned about it. I know that while I was going through all of this that I was also giving to my kids, but if I would have had the faith that I do now, could I have been a better counselor?

Ok, back to the bible. I was sitting in chapel one day next to my little one, who was busy coloring, I had her new bible and I was following along and looking to see what extra stuff it had. I got to the back and found all kinds of questions and devotions. Then something caught my eye. It was a plan for reading the bible. It takes the highlights of each book. Seeing it got me kind of excited. I thought that it was exactly what I needed to actually make it through the bible. Before I'd always started at page 1 and trudged my way through the bible page by page. I don't think I ever made it out of Genesis. I figured that once I had money to spend again I'd make the trip to get a new bible and figure out a plan. God, it seems had a better idea and one that was sure to get me going faster.

The end of the next week I got the call from Kathy about doing week two. That Sunday as I sat and listened to Shirley talk about various things she brought up that there were a few extra bibles from the ones they had purchased for the kids. I sat there and at first thought, no I can't take one. I have a bible and I don't want to take anything that's not mine. Obviously God had a different idea. When it came time to go over and get our supplies I was looking for a shirt in my size when someone asked if I wanted one of the bibles that they were pulling out of the box. It struck me at that moment that I was supposed to have that bible and that I no longer had an excuse for putting off reading my bible.

Now it's been almost a month that I've been staring at my new bible all snug in it's plastic wrap, but last night I just felt moved to pick up the scissors and open it. I sat on my bed and flipped through until I found the plan for reading it. I found where I was supposed to start reading and the most amazing thing happened. I completely lost track of time! Flipping back and forth from the text to the plan, taking time to stop and think about the questions that accompany each section and then moving on. Ok, so I'm still stuck in Genesis, but I think that this time I'll actually get through it and move on. I can't wait to find out what I'll learn!

They never stop.

I have so many thoughts swirling around my head that I can't think straight. I'm so excited for the coming school year. I have so many plans that I don't even know if I know how start thinking about it all. So I've decided that I'm going to make a list instead, a list of all the things that I want to do with my life this year.

Pay off my credit card

Find a place of my own

Visit a new country

Read my bible

Make verbal contact with my besties weekly

Be 100% SELF responsible

Make written contact with my distant friends weekly

Have a monthly girls/guys night out

Find a church I can call home

Do something with the pictures I have saved

Remind those in my life that I love them

Find Mr. Right, not just Mr. Right Now

Prove to my nephew that he's loved, and valued and worth the world

Remind myself daily that I too, deserve the world

Read at least one book each month, no matter how busy I am (hey I had to add an easy one)

I'm sure this isn't every thing for my list, but it's a start at least. I know that I can make most of these things happen and for the ones that I can't, I'll leave them in God's hands. I know that he has a plan for me and for the first time since I can remember I believe that I'm on that path.

There's No Charge For Love

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy..

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer....

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would..."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.




"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love.."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

I saw this and it just made me smile, I know I haven't been too good about posting as of late, but maybe I'll get better about remembering.

What is your answer?

I saw this posted in a school I subbed at and it was a nice reminder of why I do what I do.

What is your answer when an idiot asks how much do you make?
What Do Teachers Make?

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'
He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?'
To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?'
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want to know what I make?
(She paused for a second, then began...)
· 'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
· I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
· I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?' (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
· ''I make kids wonder.
· I make them question.
· I make them apologize and mean it.
· I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
· I teach them to write and then I make them write.
· Keyboarding isn't everything.
· I make them read, read, read.
· I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.
· I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
· I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
· I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say thePledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America .
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.) 'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant... You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?' His jaw dropped, he went silent.

I Love Life!!!

There's something to said for a night out with a great friend. One of these days I'm going to stop being amazed by the power of true friends. Em drove up yesterday after work and we hit our favorite place to eat, BWW before heading to a movie. We ate, laughed, talked, and played a couple games of cards. The healing powers of those simple actions are awesome! The Bounty Hunter was a hilarious movie! I'm glad we picked laugh over cry. :)

I would be lying of I said that I love everything about my life, but I can say that I love life in general. I'm happy, I'm taking care of myself and I'm moving forward with my life. I'm not sitting back and watching the world pass me by. I've jumped in the drivers seat and am leading the way. I knew that year 26 was going to bring great things. I've known this since I was a little girl and 26 was my favorite number. Yes I know many of you might be thinking, isn't your lucky number 23? Yes my lucky/favorite number is 23, but it hasn't always been. From the time I could remember I've had a thing for the number 6, I don't know what it is, but I just like it. I can remember being young and thinking that at 26 I would have a career, man, house, and family. Well, I only have one of those things, but think about all that's changed in my life since the 25th of February. I think that I've grown SO much. So I don't have a man, house or am I anywhere near starting a family. I'm ok with that. My life has just started and I've finally decided that I don't need someone else to help make me happy. Yes I've known that this was true for a while, but I hadn't been able to really believe it and feel it deep down. Now I do. I love me. I love my life. I am single and truly happy and cannot even wrap my brain around being even happier. I will not settle and I will have what I deserve out of life.

The biggest thing that I've started to notice is that music once again makes me smile. Yes, it also makes me cry like no other. Even happy songs used to make me cry. I'd sit and think yea right, no one is that happy. Now I sit and think that I am that happy, and I'm that happy all alone. It's like being at the bottom and being happy, the only place you can go is up and when you're already up how great is that? There is no one to tear me down. I have no man in my life to break my heart. I've surrounded myself with people who love me and who will never let me down.

Have I mentioned that I'm happy and that I love life?

Injured on the Job

So many of you have listened me talk about my favorite little boy who knows just how to drive me crazy and break my heart at the same time. Yesterday was a true example of this. He started his day out asking "Ms. Cara" for a band aid for a cut on his finger. His meltdown didn't come until we were trying to leave the gym. He refused so I approached him to help him along when he struck out with the only thing he had, a beaded necklace he'd found on the ground.

This picture is the result. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I don't think I've ever had someone physically hurt me like this before. It took all of my control to maintain my composure as I scooped him up and carried him back to the classroom.

Believe it or not, but he sat exactly where I set him until he was asked by another teacher to move and came back in to sit in a chair until I was ready to talk with him.

The topper, today he was meltdown free.

Happy Feelings

So for no obvious reason I'm happy. Not the normal just regular happy, but the I simply cannot stop smiling happy. No, there's no guy involved and yes I know that's what you were thinking because it seems that one is usually involved with these kinds of highs. With everything that is going on in my life right now, all of the difficulties and blessings, they just don't seem to matter in the long run. I know that right now I'm not thrilled with my living situation, I miss the freedom of being able to put off cleaning a mess up when I simply don't feel like it. But I'm also thankful for the generosity of my gramma, I mean seriously who wants to take in a messy 25 year old who is grouchy until she's showered. I also know that I feel like I'm failing because I don't have, what I consider, an acceptable job. Yes, I'm working with kids and it's great, but this isn't what I worked my ass of for. I don't make enough to get myself out of debt, or to even think about changing ANYTHING in my life. This means that I can't allow myself to slack off when it comes to the jobs department. SO back to edZapp I go, only now I have to weigh each job I apply to. Will this one get me more money, enough hours, or is it in just the right place to make it worth it? Is a temporary position making a few dollars more an hour for less hours a week worth it to give up my current position which while paying less isn't going to vanish in the next few months?

Aside from ALL of this I'm still happy. I'm sitting here listening to "Fireflies" and beaming. Today I was sitting in the classroom with my 8 kiddos, painting masks and listening to Disney music and "Can I Have This Dance" came on and my aide Sam said something about it and I said how much I loved it and then we were talking about weddings and such. It just made me think about all that I want out of life. I made the comment that I wanted to be waltz at my wedding and one of my students asked if I was married and I said no, and his reply was, "Aren't girls supposed to have boyfriends?" The way he said it was just cute, it was like he just thought life was so simple. Then he asked if I wanted to get married and I said, "Yeah, of course, someday." His reply was you'll get married and have kids. I wished things were that simple. I remember having a plan for life when I was young, of course it changed constantly but still. I have to remind myself sometimes that it's ok that I'm still single and that someday my prince will come. I know he's out there somewhere, I've just got to be patient and wait for the right time to meet him.

In case you didn't get it through all of my ramblings and ponderings I'm happy. My life's not perfect, not at all where I thought it would be at this point, but I'm happy. I have assets, maybe not all 40 of them, maybe not even 30 of them, but I have them and I know that I can be an asset to others, but to do that I have to be happy with myself, and I am!

The defeat of confidence

I got what was likely the biggest compliment ever yesterday. I've spent the time just trying to wrap my brain around it since it was said. Let me back up a little first... Last Saturday I got a text from a friend from the program asking if I wanted to go to dinner with the crew for some teacher talk. I had to decline due to being busy at the time they were going. Not a big deal, I just had already made a commitment. I went to my meeting Sunday night and didn't give dinner with the crew another thought, thinking that I'd catch up with them the next time. Yesterday I got up and drove to Salem for the Salem-Keizer educator's fair. I ran into a couple of the girls from the crew, but it wasn't until after I was done with my interview that Bre and I ran into Sarah. We were talking and she brought up the dinner from the previous Sunday and said that they had all made speculations as to why I was MIA. She told me that they'd decided I was at some district meeting where a bunch of administrators were fighting over getting me in their buildings. And they decided that I already had a job! I was just too good to not have a solid position yet within a school. When she told me this I was honestly speechless. I had no idea how to respond. I realized after thinking about what she said as well as some things that others have said that I defeat myself with my own confidence.

It seems that not only my closest friends, but also those who I bonded with while in the program have far more confidence in my abilities as a teacher than even I do. I've always felt like a confident person, but this realization made me think about how timid I am when it comes to my abilities. So I sit here today and proclaim that I am a great teacher! I deserve a job, and one that is actually in the field I've worked my butt off to be in. No, this doesn't mean that I wont keep applying for jobs outside of teaching. I'm not stupid I need a job like yesterday. I'm done doubting my own skills. I guess I thought that upon graduation I would just feel like a different person and that really hasn't happened. I still feel like me, a less stressed version of my self, but still me and I'm happy to be me!