I AM...

I AM…I AM A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A GRAND-DAUGHTER, A NIECE, A COUSIN, A FRIEND. I AM A PARTNER, A STUDENT, A YOUNG GIRL AND A GRWON WOMAN. I AM CONFIDENT AND SCARED, TERRIFIED AND EXCITED. I AM LOVING AND CARING AND THOUGHFUL AND HOPEFUL. I AM SICK AND TIRED. I AM SHY AND FRIENDLY, AND CARFUL AND CARELESS. DOUBT IS MY WORST ENEMY. I AM BROKEN AND WHOLE. I AM MISUNDERSTOOD, MISGUIDED AND MISLEAD. I AM HARD WORKING AND DETERMINED, BUT A LITTLE SCARED ON THE INSIDE. I WISH ON STARS AND DREAM MY DREAMS. I PRAY TO GOD AND CRY MY TEARS. I SMILE ON THE OUtSIDE, WHILE I’M DYING ON THE INSIDE. I LISTEN TO OTHERS WHO WON’T LISTEN TO ME. I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, AND I WALK ON FIRE. I BELIEVE IN PASSION, AND MORE IN TRUE LOVE. I AM EVERYTHING AND NOTHING ALL AT ONCE.

I found a variation of this a while back but decided to finally tweak it to really fit me. I've been doing alot of reflecting lately and well I'm not sure what I've discovered... or maybe it's just that I'm not ready for everyone to know what I've discovered. I made a personal realization the other day that had a profound impact on my life. I just pray that I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. It's the doubt that's my worst enemy.

I just went through all of my quotes, of which I have 9+ pages worth. They really made me start thinking about things. This is one of the things I found among many others. It made me smile. I've found I'm finding things that I never thought I'd find. :)

Ever Growing...

So I got to spend this past Thanksgiving taking a trip with my nephew Brett to Kennewick, WA to spend some time I with my mom. It's amazing to think that this boy is growing up so fast. I remember back when he was still a baby. I remember just days after they brought him home from the hospital and he fell off of the bed.

I remember him wandering around Gramma & Papa's yard following after with gardening tools in his little purple jumpsuit. I remember laying with him in his "big boy" bed to get him to sleep at night. I remember packing him around with me when I wanted to hang out with friends. I remember going with his first grade class to the pumpkin patch.

Now he's 13 and inches taller than me. Sometimes I wish he could just realize 1/10 of his potential. He's been so beaten down over the years I just can't imagine how he'll overcome it. I believe that his maturity level is so far behind that of his peers that he'll have a horrible time trying to catch up by the time he reaches high school. It seems like that everytime he appears to be on top of things that something goes horribly wrong and a good chunk of the time it's him that causes the problem, through lying or doing something that he knows good and well that he's not supposed to be doing.

New Traditions

With all that's happened in the last year there was never a doubt that we'd be pulling double duty at the cemetery this year. Dad and I picked up the two extra trees when we went into Newburg. He got both of them put up in the horrible weather and even got the decorations and lights on Brandon's. Yes, lights. Every year my dad goes up and puts the three up and brings along one small strand of lights and a heavy duty extension cord. He plugs it in to the box on the pole right at the bottom of the hill. We're not the only family who does this either. There's always at least one other, sometimes two that plug in lights for a loved one. Brandon's tree has a hodgepodge of ornaments gathered over the years. Even one that his little sister donated who knows how many years ago, though my ornament really doesn't look the same as it once did.

The new tradition really falls with Papa's tree. It's been exactly one year and we're doing ok. I'll honestly say that more tears have been shed today, and in the past few weeks. We went up to the cemetery as soon as we saw that the sun was out. While Gramma was putting some garland up I decided to draw in the snow. It's not as easy as it looks and my hands were frozen from holding myself up. It was worth it though. This of course was after I was throwing snowballs at his headstone. (He would have found it amusing, though I would have had snow all down my back as a result.)

After we got all of the ornaments on the tree I went back to my car (which had Christmas music blaring) to get my camera. I snapped this shot as I was closing the door. (She doesn't know I took it) While she's unaware of the picture, I think it's beautiful. She'd stepped back to get a better look at the tree. It was important to us that there be a tree up there this year, even though I feel that he'll be here in the house with us during Christmas.

The last picture is a closeup of the finished tree. It turned out really nice and even has his favorite ornaments from the tree in the house. It's still strange to think that he's not here with us, and I still reach for the phone to call him. I even still get angry when I need a question answered and the one person who seemed to have all the answers in the world is the one person who can no longer answer me. I miss him, we miss him, but we're strong and we're making it.

Winter Wonderland

Well, we've been blanketed with white stuff since Sunday now. I got to Sean's late Saturday night and we'd planned to meet Gramma and Dad to go get trees on Sunday morning. Instead we woke up to a phone call from my dad telling us that we needed to look outside. Winter had officially arrived. So after watching the news, and talking to dad, we decided that coming into Gramma's wasn't the best idea. Instead we went to the store and picked up some food for later in the day and spent the whole day just layin around watching tv, cooking and baking. When we found out that Sean didn't have to work the next day we decided that we could sleep in. We got up late monday and decided to go into Portland. Though I'm not quite sure if we are sane. It was very cold down there. Though I'm pretty sure we both had a good time.


This morning I got up and went with my dad to get trees for Gramma, Papa & Brandon. We went into Newburg and met up with uncle Mickey to get them. It was kinda nice to be able to spend some time just dad and me. On our way home we had to stop by his house to pick up some stuff and while we were there we took a break to play with the boys and build this amazing snowman. I know the picture's kinda blurry, but we had a blast. I was just going to make a mini one, really thinking that Wyatt would just start playing the the snowball thinking it was a ball he could heard. Then dad came out and started making the base. Once we got it all put together dad found some wood for the arms and I got out the spray paint to give him some eyes, buttons, a scarf and a mouth. We called it a day after that and headed on to grammas.

It's really nice to be back home and spending some quality time with gramma. It started Tuesday when I finally made it down from Sean's in Vancouver. We spent some time shopping and getting all of the "last minute" things we needed to get. Most of which wouldn't feel so last minute if it weren't for the peculiar weather we've been having. We've braved the weather a couple of times now.

Tomorrow we're gonna get the tree set up, and decorated. Hopefully I'll get some stuff wrapped and maybe even get a package ready to be mailed east to mom's.

Though I just left Vancouver on Tuesday morning I can't wait to get back up there. It's nice being able to spend more than just one day at a time with Sean. Especially since I know that winter term is just around the corner and will lead to very busy schedules for both of us.

Hope, Strength, Dream!

Here's to hope. Hope for a good holiday. Hope for peace. Here's to strength. Strength to get through this holiday strong and still believing.

I just finished my first term as a Pre-Service Teacher!!! I wasn't the most productive person this term and I know that I'll drive myself crazy if I'm not more on top of it next term. I am really happy to know that I've made it though my first term and that I've only got 3 more to go. I know it may seem like a lot, but when you've been in college for 6.5 years... three terms is nothing. I've only got one more test to take to be done with testing in general, but I'm afraid it'll be my most difficult one yet. It's the one that I feel I haven't been properly prepared for. That's what happens when you get a professor who doesn't cover the material that's really important.

Tomorrow my best friend and inspiration graduates. For the last 4 years Jess has been my right hand girl. (Even though an hour and a half ago she told me she'd call me back in a minute) I feel truly honored that she's including me in her celebration tomorrow. If it weren't for her I may not have had the drive to pursue my dreams. She helped me realize that you really have to life your own life and follow your own star! I love you Jessy-O!!!

Today is the 12th of December and in two days it'll have been one year since I last got to talk to my hero. This week has been pretty rough. I remember back to the beginning of this year and having this feeling of him wrapping his arms around me. It was at a time when I was feeling particularly alone. I'm happy to say that I don't have that problem this year. I pray that I'll have the hope and strength to get through this holiday season. I have faith and that faith will provide me with my strength. It already has by bringing Sean into my life. A guy who brings a smile to my face every day.

With a long day a head of me tomorrow it's time to sign off.

The Not to CIvil War...

Talk about an intense first half of a game. I never thought I'd be sitting in Reeser Stadium during a Civil War. I've watched quite a few of them, but never did I think that I would have the change to actually be sitting in the stands. Thanks to the amazing tickets my boyfriend bought, we were sitting just off the 30 yard line. The seats were amazing, and after the game we decided that we really woudln't want to be any closer than we were 20 rows up from the student section. I can no longer think of a better way to spend a Saturday in the fall than sitting in Reeser Stadium watching the Beavs.

Being as sick as I was on Saturday I completely zoned for most of the first quarter. However I wasn't so out of it that I didn't notice as duck after duck went running past me with the ball, all the way to the end zone. If only the Beavs had brought just a bit more defense. In the end a valuable lesson is learned, tradition or not home team doesn't always win the game. :)

Well the never-ending pile of homework is calling me... only 10 more days left in the term!!!

A Walk Down Every Lane

Sunday Sean and I spend an amazing day wondering the streets of downtown Portland, Lloyd Center, and Cascade Station. We decided since it was such a beautiful day out that we'd spend our day wondering around going where ever we decided to head. We spent some time trying to find various shops that I remembered seeing at one time or another. We walked down to the Pearl District and stopped for something warm to drink. This was the pole that was outside, or rather the artwork they used to cover it. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera so I just snapped a picture with my phone. It's not as easy to see with this picture exactly what it looks like, but it's essentially a totem pole. There are three basic "faces" one in white, which is a cyclops, one in black which is an angry face and the sides in red which is again a cyclops only this time semi-angry. There was just something about this artwork that made me want to stop and take a picture. There was lots of interesting architecture throughout this area that amazed me. I would love to live in a place like this. Just for fun Sean stopped to grab a flier from a reality company and the cheapest place was +500 a square foot!!! There was also an area that actually had a boardwalk. What a boardwalk was doing in a place like downtown Portland I'm not quite sure, but it was interesting to walk on. The landscaping was beautiful as well. It was a part of Portland I'd never really seen before so this was definitely a treat for me.

There was a major down side to this neighborhood. One that just couldn't be overlooked. While walking we discovered that more than one tree was being put up downtown. Of course there is the beautiful main tree in Pioneer Courthouse Square, but there was also a slightly smaller one being erected in Jamison Park. When I say erected I'm being quite literal. As you can see by the picture here, the tree is quite PERFECTLY shaped. Nothing like the one in PCS. Well I decided that we had to take a closer look because I just wasn't sure that it was real. (Mind you we started on the other side than from this point of view) When we walked close by it we discovered much to my dismay that it was in fact a fake tree. IN OREGON. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, ON DISPLAY OUTSIDE AND THEY'RE GOING TO USE A FAKE TREE, THAT'S A DISGRACE!!! When we'd walked past I quickly turned around think that this needed to be documented only to find out that there was a door to the tree. You can see it in the picture by the shadow created. It's also where the garland is disturbed. It reminds me of the story "The Christmas Tree That Ate My Mother"

Well from here we wondered back towards the Max and got on the Trolley and headed to Lloyd Center and wondered there for a while. I did a little bit of my shopping and we again headed out this time for Cascade Station. After a stroll through there we grabbed some dinner and decided to call it a night.

I'm headed to Tri-Cities tomorrow, off to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. Since I wont have computer access while I'm here (Not quite sure what I'm going to do.) I figure I'd get a jump on what I'm thankful for this year.
I'm thankful for my friends and family.
I am thankful for a God who has a plan even if I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm thankful for those I've lost this year, not that I've lost them, but rather that they are still with me.
I'm thankful for the amazing man in my life who has brought me so much joy this past month.
I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned and those I've yet to learn this year.
I'm thankful for my father who has become a man I can respect and look to for advice.
I'm thankful for friends who have my back no matter what comes our way.

These are just some of the things that I'm thankful for.