Surprise...Surprise

Go figure, once again I'm on the outside. I love my family don't get me wrong, but so often I find myself sitting alone, or sitting with them like I'm invisible. Sometimes I feel like I'm 10 again and fighting for attention from my cousins, or fighting just to fit in and belong. During the drive to the movie tonight I tried to talk to Gramma about what dad had to say about Sean and how he brought up what happend with Mike and she told me once again that I was a completely different person, and not a good one at that. That or they're afraid that I'm "rushing into things". Seriously, I'm fine. I have to put my heart out there sometime or I'll end up alone. Besides, that's not really what I meant when I said that dad brought up Mike. He was refering to the fact that Mike broke my heart. I'm sure four years is enough time to get over it. More than enough likely. It wasn't like Mike was the love of my life. Yes I loved him, yes I was even in love with him, but I've moved on.

Then there's the fact that I was faced with a new realization and it sucked. For as long as I can remember, when ever I felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable, left out, or whatever not great feeling I had I could ALWAYS go over to Papa, curl up in his lap and he would make it all better. Last night when I finished my original post on here I went outside, in this enviornment the computer just wasn't cutting it. I walked out to the side of the house, I felt lost. I sat on the curb and instantly realized where I needed to be. In Papa's arms being told that it would all be ok, that I just needed to put myself out there. I tried to think of all of the places that I could feel close to him and they were limited. I knew his chair was where I really wanted to be, but it was in a room full of people and already had an occupant. So instead I sat on the tailgate and cried. Cried for all of the things that I miss, for all of the things he'll miss. I got dragged back in for dinner, and as soon as people started leaving I curled up in his chair with my iPod and cried. I cried for a long time. When everyone had gone home I talked with Gramma. It made it better, to be able to talk to the one person who could possibly understand just how it feels to miss him like I do. I'm not saying that her and I miss him the same, but for us it's close.