29 December 2007
Just an quick update
Ok, so I really wished I knew who was reading this... but alas I never do. I am still in Hillsboro, staying with my Gramma. The Memorial Service was amazing. I don't think I could have asked for much more... maybe a 21 gun salute, but I was the only one who wanted it. I'll finish later... I'm tired, and I can't really breath. :)
19 December 2007
A HERO lost
For those of you who are reading this... I just wanted to let you know that My HERO has been called home. He's with God and watching over us. I don't want to go into details. I don't really have internet access where I'm staying, but you can comment on here.
17 December 2007
At a loss of what to do.
I don't know what to do right now. I'm sitting in the main lobby at Portland's Providence Hospital. I haven't slept since Sunday (12/16) Morning at 6:26am. (It's now 8:36pm on Monday the 17th) If someone is reading this and doesn't have any idea what's going on I appologize, this isn't going to be pretty to read, but I need to get somethings off of my chest.
By what I'm attributing to God's Will, my manager let me off early on Sunday night, I was supposed to get off at 6:30 and he let me go at 5:45pm. I called to talk to my mom and after a series of questions, mostly about where I was and what my frame of mind was, my mom informed me that my Papa was in the hospital. Something to know is that my family is extremely close, sometimes freakishly so. My family is my world. My Papa is my HERO. Not only is he MY HERO, he's the Hero of the entire family and well he's just a Hero. My Papa is the most amazing man in the entire world. He's the most caring man you could possibly meet in a lifetime.
Long story short, I got to the hospital and surprised my Gramma. She didn't know that I was on my way up here. Papa was doing good when we left. Gramma and I were the last two family members to see him alert, and joking around in true Larry Miller form. Gramma and I went home to get some rest, we'd been through this before and to recover he just needed some rest and some medication. Gramma and I laid down about 12am and Gramma got a call at 2:15am letting her know that Papa had had a seizure and she managed to not wake me up until 6:26am. I got up and she didn't make is sound really bad so I took a shower and quickly got in the car to leave. We got here as fast as we could and went in to see him... from here it's really a big blur of many many hours of waiting. Finally Uncle Gale showed up followed by Joe's family, Deb, Nikki, Cody, Sarah and Chris. Nikki and I have always been close. We were eachothers rock at this point. I'd been trying to reach my brother with no luck, his phone was missing. My dad was working in Bend, not really wanting to, but needing to all at the same time. I felt so alone, never in my life so alone. I had to be Gramma's strength, not that I minded it, but it was hard. Finally we reached Shawn and my dad drove back., but those few hours were really tough. I sat with him, I talked to him, and I just made sure that he knew we were there.
Damn does Papa know how to command an audience. My cousin Nikki, my brother Shawn and I basically sat with him through the night. There were two things that we knew for sure, 1. That Gramma would never be alone, and 2. That Papa would never be alone. I'm so numb I don't know what to do. Ok, so there's breakdown "i" ok so only a few people will get that, but hey what can I say. Ok, back to my story. The Dr's didn't know what was wrong, and they didn't know why all of this was happening. They did Catscans, MRIs, CTs, you name it I'm sure they did it. Finally we got some news, that they movements he was making weren't seizures and so they could take him off of the sedation and something else.
Today marked the biggest blow. They came and told us it was a stroke. We had hope, and we were strong. I felt like I was the glue that was holding everything together at this point, I wasn't but it felt like it. We were trying to be strong, I knew that people recovered from strokes, they got better. No not 100%, but they do get better.
Just before 10am they came in and told us that the Neurologist had looked at some things, ordered another scan and would meet with the family at 1pm. This started the phones and also sent my brother and I out on a spree, by this I mean we raced home, let the dogs out, picked up some supplies and food and raced back. Only to wait, the Neurologist was busy and had to wait to see us. We waited. We waited. Then with all of us gathered in this incredibly small box the neurologist started at the beginning to make sure everyone knew what was going on. They missed a clot in his aorta. They don't know if it would have made a difference. I say that it wouldn't have, this MUST be God's Will. Then she told us how the clot traveled up an artery and blocked the blood supply to the left hemisphere of his brain. This damage induced swelling of the brain, which then damaged the other side of his brain. He's not responsive. She then delivered the final blow. Papa is brain dead. And just like that My World was broken. I kept it together as I scoured the hospital searching for Nikki. She had chosen not to be in the room. I finally found her in a hallway with her brother Cody. Cody in the front followed by Nikki, me and Sarah we leaned on eachother and completely lost it.
Family members are arriving, and damn it they're coming to say goodbye. I haven't been in for along time now. I took Brett in there, because he needed me, but I couldn't stay. It wasn't seeing him like that, he hasn't changed since we came back Sunday morning. It was that he was in there, and I'm afraid to loose hope. He's still in there and I know it.
I've spent more time in the chapel these hours than I have in a long time. At first I went to pray, but I've gone beyond that, I go now to find peace... I just now am ok enough to sit down an write all of this out. I've left out details, and maybe when I'm stronger and want to give more I will.
I'm not writing this for any of you who may be reading. I'm writing because it's all I still know how to do.
By what I'm attributing to God's Will, my manager let me off early on Sunday night, I was supposed to get off at 6:30 and he let me go at 5:45pm. I called to talk to my mom and after a series of questions, mostly about where I was and what my frame of mind was, my mom informed me that my Papa was in the hospital. Something to know is that my family is extremely close, sometimes freakishly so. My family is my world. My Papa is my HERO. Not only is he MY HERO, he's the Hero of the entire family and well he's just a Hero. My Papa is the most amazing man in the entire world. He's the most caring man you could possibly meet in a lifetime.
Long story short, I got to the hospital and surprised my Gramma. She didn't know that I was on my way up here. Papa was doing good when we left. Gramma and I were the last two family members to see him alert, and joking around in true Larry Miller form. Gramma and I went home to get some rest, we'd been through this before and to recover he just needed some rest and some medication. Gramma and I laid down about 12am and Gramma got a call at 2:15am letting her know that Papa had had a seizure and she managed to not wake me up until 6:26am. I got up and she didn't make is sound really bad so I took a shower and quickly got in the car to leave. We got here as fast as we could and went in to see him... from here it's really a big blur of many many hours of waiting. Finally Uncle Gale showed up followed by Joe's family, Deb, Nikki, Cody, Sarah and Chris. Nikki and I have always been close. We were eachothers rock at this point. I'd been trying to reach my brother with no luck, his phone was missing. My dad was working in Bend, not really wanting to, but needing to all at the same time. I felt so alone, never in my life so alone. I had to be Gramma's strength, not that I minded it, but it was hard. Finally we reached Shawn and my dad drove back., but those few hours were really tough. I sat with him, I talked to him, and I just made sure that he knew we were there.
Damn does Papa know how to command an audience. My cousin Nikki, my brother Shawn and I basically sat with him through the night. There were two things that we knew for sure, 1. That Gramma would never be alone, and 2. That Papa would never be alone. I'm so numb I don't know what to do. Ok, so there's breakdown "i" ok so only a few people will get that, but hey what can I say. Ok, back to my story. The Dr's didn't know what was wrong, and they didn't know why all of this was happening. They did Catscans, MRIs, CTs, you name it I'm sure they did it. Finally we got some news, that they movements he was making weren't seizures and so they could take him off of the sedation and something else.
Today marked the biggest blow. They came and told us it was a stroke. We had hope, and we were strong. I felt like I was the glue that was holding everything together at this point, I wasn't but it felt like it. We were trying to be strong, I knew that people recovered from strokes, they got better. No not 100%, but they do get better.
Just before 10am they came in and told us that the Neurologist had looked at some things, ordered another scan and would meet with the family at 1pm. This started the phones and also sent my brother and I out on a spree, by this I mean we raced home, let the dogs out, picked up some supplies and food and raced back. Only to wait, the Neurologist was busy and had to wait to see us. We waited. We waited. Then with all of us gathered in this incredibly small box the neurologist started at the beginning to make sure everyone knew what was going on. They missed a clot in his aorta. They don't know if it would have made a difference. I say that it wouldn't have, this MUST be God's Will. Then she told us how the clot traveled up an artery and blocked the blood supply to the left hemisphere of his brain. This damage induced swelling of the brain, which then damaged the other side of his brain. He's not responsive. She then delivered the final blow. Papa is brain dead. And just like that My World was broken. I kept it together as I scoured the hospital searching for Nikki. She had chosen not to be in the room. I finally found her in a hallway with her brother Cody. Cody in the front followed by Nikki, me and Sarah we leaned on eachother and completely lost it.
Family members are arriving, and damn it they're coming to say goodbye. I haven't been in for along time now. I took Brett in there, because he needed me, but I couldn't stay. It wasn't seeing him like that, he hasn't changed since we came back Sunday morning. It was that he was in there, and I'm afraid to loose hope. He's still in there and I know it.
I've spent more time in the chapel these hours than I have in a long time. At first I went to pray, but I've gone beyond that, I go now to find peace... I just now am ok enough to sit down an write all of this out. I've left out details, and maybe when I'm stronger and want to give more I will.
I'm not writing this for any of you who may be reading. I'm writing because it's all I still know how to do.
05 December 2007
Who in this world knows?
Really, that's my question tonight. Who in this world knows? I'm beyond ready for this term to be done... but what I have decided is that it wasn't that bad in the first place. I've had to work harder this term than I have any other term since I've been here. School's always come easy to me, so to have a term that's challenging me this much is, well just that too much. I don't mind a challenge, but to me a challenge is having to work harder specifically. I've been working harder generally. I know I prolly sound like I don't have any idea of what I'm talking about, but I do. When I complete something that's challenging to me I feel great afterward. It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. When I finish something that's just ridiculous I don't feel anything but relief. Ok now that that's done with I'm just ready to get in some Christmas shopping!!!!
20 November 2007
A day lost
Ok so I've decided that yesterday just needed to happen. I know as crazy as that sounds for those of you who heard where the day went from there (mind you I posted at 1 in the afternoon). Yes, yesterday was a horrible, rotten, terrible no good day. But today is better! Thanks to the amazing support of Kirsten I got to sleep through PE this morning with no, ok very little, guilt and although I'm still a bit groggy I feel much better. I think that I realize now that I just took on a bit much at the wrong time of the term and I should have known better than that. I guess I never thought that they would schedule me for so many hours as a newbie. All of the crap that was happening at work with my boss is taken care of too. I now just need to get through the term and I'll be one happy chick! I've decided that there's just been a lot changing in my life and need to adapt to those changes and be ready to move on with my life, no matter what comes my way. Thanks for the advice that you all left, I appreciate it. I think I'll keep posting too, at least once a week, maybe more. I like writing and it's a whole lot quicker when I just type up what it is that I'm thinking about versus trying to hand write it out in a journal. Even though sometimes it's more fun to hand write everything out. Ok well I'm off to Math class now. See y'all later :)
Cara
Cara
19 November 2007
Life in Hell!
You know me, I'm not the type of person to just want to give up. But I have never had to fight the urge to disappear so hard in my life. I feel like I'm having a complete mental break down. I never thought that a simple job as a checker at a grocery store could cause such turmoil in life. I feel as if I'm fighting my way through a crowd that never ends. To top it off I feel like I'm being a brat and cannot control my emotions. I feel like I'm letting everyone down by not giving more than I have to this term. I seriously felt as if I'm failing for the first time as a student. What's more is that I have only and hour and a half and what am I doing with that precious time? I'm blogging, but why, ok so it's because I can't stand to think about these things for one more minute and I'm hoping that by writing it all down here, and doing what my father asked me to do in the first place (share what's going on in my life with those who want to know) I'll be able to do what I need to do to get through the day. The biggest problem here is that for the last four days I've been telling myself I just need to get through Monday morning and get my reading log turned in to Artman. GOD I HATE THAT CLASS!!!! But no here I am now after writing and math and I'm back where I started, in the state of just let me get through this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take of all of this. This is truly the worst term of my life! I'd take the term I failed math over this. I'm finally starting to calm down now, but go to work? are you kidding, yay I get to put on a fake smile and pretend that I actually care about the people I see! Ok so now that I've used 16 of my precious minutes I better go take a shower! Yes is 115 and I still have not had time to shower.
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