Enough is Enough

When will you get it through your head? How many times do you have to be told that you're not enough? You're not good enough, smart enough, dedicated enough or passionate enough. Oh wait, that's right you've never actually be told those things... but actions speak much louder than words and the actions of the "man" are screaming, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US!"

That's what I've been hearing for 5 years. Not just in my professional life, but in my personal life as well. At what point do you just walk away and forget about it all? If I could write a letter to my 16 year old self, I'd tell her to get her crap together! That every day she wasted having fun was just one step closer to a wasted and pointless future. I'd tell her to... hell right now I'd tell her to give up.

Do you know how hard it is to be a walking contradiction? To have people tell you that you're a great person, and a great teacher and how they can't believe that you don't have your own room... and then to hear door, after door, after door shut in your face... Oh wait... those doors aren't even opening... not even getting an interview... Can someone PLEASE tell me what it is that I'm doing wrong... I'll fix it if I can... and if I can't... well then I'll know that pursuing my passion is a wasted dream... and I can stop wasting my time.

My first few years of subbing I felt like I was paying my dues. I was putting in my time and getting an amazing amount of experience out of it. Not that applications have a section where they ask how much subbing experience you have, they only want to know how much "teaching" experience you have. I really do enjoy subbing and if I made just a touch more and had benefits, I'd likely be content to continue as a sub. Instead I barely make enough to survive and don't have benefits, which makes surviving even harder.

Why now you may be thinking, why is she breaking this time... I spent a day in a building, that I truly enjoy, where there are 3 student teachers in one pod. Two of those students have jobs at that very school for next year, and the third, well she just got hired on at another school. Congrats I say... but seriously, I haven't even gotten a single interview and I'm supposed to be a "first consideration" applicant due to my previous contract status. Instead I feel like I'm no consideration at all. The application pool idea is nice in the fact that we don't have to go in for interviews that we don't stand a chance at (since they have to interview a certain number of candidates even if they know who they want), but I don't even know what openings there are or how many.

So when is enough, enough? I don't know that yet... but it's getting pretty close. I can only hold on to a dream for so long before I have to find a new one...