Alone

 Today was one of those days when I felt increasingly alone. I don't understand what's got me to this point. Why do I seem to have the inability to make and keep friends? My time is spent reading alone, watching tv alone, eating alone, riding my bike alone, shopping alone. Growing up I was always told that I was so outgoing and made friends so easily, but here I am at 27 and I have two friends and they're the only ones who read my blogs too. Sure I have tons of people I consider friends and people I care about, but how well do I know them and how well do they know me? When was the last time I spent any time with these people? What is wrong with me? What is it I do that makes people want to run? Do I just try too hard? Or is it that I don't try hard enough and people just slip away?

It's been a long time since I've felt this alone. Like I'm a shadow moving through life. I'm not outgoing, I'm annoying. Who wants to hang out with someone who talks all the time and doesn't do anything interesting to begin with? Being so positive lately must be wearing on me and my negative side is slipping.

I'll be ok, eventually. Just as soon as I figure out what to do.

Waiting

This is where I am. I'm in this despicable place waiting for something to happen.

I'm just waiting.

Waiting for the right connection to get me an actual interview in the field I spend 7 years working towards.

Waiting for an interview to lead to an actual teaching job.

Waiting for MY classroom.

Waiting for a place to belong.

Waiting for a space of my own.

Waiting to know if this is it.

Waiting for the sub jobs to come.

Waiting for fall.

Waiting for Halloween.

Waiting for a text to make me smile.

Waiting for the next time I'll feel butterflies.

Waiting to know if he's all in.

Waiting to know if the biggest mistake of my life is finally laid to rest.

Waiting to know if I'm headed in the right direction.

Waiting to know if tomorrow will be better than today.

Waiting to know if I can really stand behind my decisions.

Waiting to know if the decision is the right one.

You see I'm waiting, but it's ok because there are also the things that I know and the things I know help me to deal with the things I'm waiting on.

I know that MY classroom is out there somewhere.

I know that I do belong somewhere.

I know that with a little more hard work and sacrifice I'll have my space.

I know that the sub jobs will come, and I love subbing.

I know that fall is just around the corner.

I know that Halloween is only 37 days away.

I know that the text will come, eventually.

I know that the next time I see him, there will be butterflies.

I know that he's in and that's something.

I know that for all the stress in my life that I'm happy, healthy, safe and loved and for now that's enough. It's enough to balance out a lot of those things I'm waiting on.

I'm ready!

There are so many things that I'm ready for I don't know where to begin.

I'm ready to take life by the reins.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to do this... but I've got some ideas... just gotta get them going.

I'm ready for love.

Not sure that there's much I can do here... work on not being timid maybe...

I'm ready for Grad School.

This is one that I don't have to work on, unless you count actually being there. It's one ball in full motion!

I'm ready for a place of my own.

This is another one that I don't have control over. Best bet, work on building up that savings account!

I'm ready for motivation.

Not that I ever expect to look like this, but I know that I have to dig down deep or I'm going to spiral out of control.

More than anything, I'm ready for

More life! More love! More happiness!

A Dream and A Hug

Last night I had a dream. (Not surprising if you know me) In this dream there were lots of things going on, it was a busy dream. Of all the things that were going on I only have a vague idea of what was happening. I was meeting someone in this place. I was nervous to see them, it'd been a while and I really liked them. I was bombarded by dogs as I entered. There was a demonstration with knives, simply cutting meat. Then instead of meat, it was a human, and a human skull being hacked. All these things were going on, but they aren't what stood out. They're still not something that stands out. What really stood out was a hug.



This simple embrace between the two of us. It felt like love and coming home. Like peace and happiness. I can still feel this lingering effect of that hug, even though it was only in a dream. It feels like a reminder of what's to come. I know who I saw in my dream... and maybe that's the person I'm supposed to be hugging like that in the real world. I don't know yet, but I sure wouldn't mind finding out! And if it's the person I saw, well I don't think I'd mind much if at all. ;)

Always Growing 11/28/2010

I've watched this boy grow for the past 14 years and it amazes me every day to see how he's changed. I got the honor of helping him get ready for his first high school dance. I also got to wait in the car to have an opportunity to talk to the principal to ensure that the student who had threatened him was being dealt with away from the dance. It was a great night only made better by him telling me that I was more like his mom than his mother was. It made me smile

Changing Every Second

I'm sure this really doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I feel like I'm going insane. Maybe I'm like one of these 250,000 bouncing balls racing downhill. I feel like my mind and heart are racing right along with them, though crash is inevitable. I wish I could find some kind of balance between the extremes. Why, when I find something, or when something finds me do I have to go all in? Why can't I hold back and move slowly?

Since I tend to do this over and over again, maybe I'm more like this coaster, going through the loops. UP and DOWN. I climb up, only to fall back down.  

 Or maybe it's like this one, going through all the twists, turns, loops and falls just to start back at the beginning.

I need answers. I need to know what's going on. I need to know what I'm supposed to do. I KNOW that I was pointed in this direction at this specific time by HIS hand, I just pray it was more than just a distraction. It's getting harder and harder to keep from feeling hopeless. It's like how many times can you tease a dog before it'll finally just snaps?

Where are you summer?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you stayed away?
Where is the laughter you usually bring me?
Why can't I go outside to play?

:)

This is totally how I feel right now. It's A-Mazing how a simple "I wanted to say that I miss you" can make your whole day. It was a very nice surprise and seriously had me smiling the whole rest of the day. Especially when added to the other messages received.  So I guess all I have to say is: :-)

F-

I have to ask this question: Who failed? What is it that leads us to this point? I mean we know some of the people who failed. His mother failed. I mean she failed the most. At least his dad didn't pick and choose which kids to live with him. At least his father didn't tell him he didn't want him. That's not to say that he's done much better. Ok so who's left? Did his foster mom fail him by letting him go in the first place? Or is it the grandfather who wanted him with family? Wanted him to know that he was loved. Is it the aunt who could never do enough? Or is it really the system? The system who pulled him out, put him in a home where he was abused, pulled him out put him in a group home, pulled him out, put him back with his mom. I know that every system has flaws, but seriously? I don't see the state going after his parents for child support. 


AHHHH I could go on and on, but what good would it do? He's reached the age of 15 and just doesn't care. Well at least that's what he says. I believe that he cares, I know that he does. He just doesn't know how to show it. I think that something serious needs to happen with this child or he's going to completely slip through the cracks. He shows all this promise. Like he wants to improve, but his follow through is seriously lacking. 


I want the world for this boy and I just can't figure out how to get it for him. Then again, maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe it's that he needs to learn that he can't be given the world, he's got to earn it. 

Star Struck!

 After years and years of sketching. After multiple location changes. I finally made a decision. It started with my brother finally covering up his fifteen year old mistake. I love my brother dearly, but it killed me to see that "mistake" on his hand every time I saw him. I knew that my brother was more than that mistake, but I couldn't help but think that it was how he was judged. This particular day my brother said lets go now. So I said sure. We went to one place and boy did it leave a bad taste in my mouth. The artist even told my brother he couldn't do what he wanted because "everyone does it." This lead my brother to ask me if I knew of any place to go. I instantly thought of the one place I'd always thought I'd go. 

My brother was tattooed by an amazing artist, who happened to have covered up the same "mistake" that my brother was covering. Now they almost have matching tattoos, stars on their hands. I sat through my brother's tattoo with no problems. It was actually really cool to watch. My brother also chose this time to tell the artist that I was a chicken and kept putting off getting my own. I decided that I would make an appointment for the future, locking myself into getting it, but not so much so that I couldn't still back out. The artist was sitting there and looked at me and said, "I'm free now. Why don't you just get it done?" I didn't hesitate when I said, "Let's do it." He asked me what I wanted, I simply said three stars, one bigger than the other two and some filigree. 

 This is what he came back with. I was shocked. It was like he reached in to my artistic side and pulled what I wanted right out of my head. I love EVERYTHING about it. Especially the usage of the number 3. There are three larger stars, three hooks to the filigree, 9 small stars each with three dots. 

So I guess this brings me to what most people don't know, have never known. The true meaning behind this piece of work. I started out wanting just one star, then slowly transformed to three stars. One very large and two smaller ones, this version was supposed to be on my shoulder. Then something stuck me. If I was going to put something on myself permanently there had to be real meaning to it. So I abandoned it for a while. One day I realized that it did have meaning. So here it is. The red star, the larger of the three represents me. The two larger black  ones represent my friends and my family. The filigree, extra stars, and dots represent everything else in life. From the day I got my ink forward it will serve to remind me that I have to come first. I know that this will morph as time goes on, but for now this is what it means. It also represents that my family and friends need to come before the other stuff. 


So often in life I put things ahead of myself. I don't value my own self worth, or my abilities and intelligence. I sacrifice for others when I don't have the means to do so. The day I got this done I made a promise to myself. No more. No more letting others make me feel guilty for saying I can't, or I'm busy. No more letting others walk over the top of me and no more questioning my value. I don't know that I'm doing this justice, that I'm saying it the way I mean it, but it's a start. 

Anticipation

Anticipation, does it really exist anymore? I mean, we live in this instant gradification society and it's truly diminished the value of anticipation. I love anticipation, I even love the word "ANTICIPATION!" I'm in a situation where the anticipation is killing me, and I LOVE it! With so many things today there's no waiting, no guessing, no chance, but that doesn't apply to dating. Dating still has it all. Yes we're meeting potentials in vastly different ways then they used to, but are we really? The "traditional" ways are still there. Grocery store, bar, park, bowling alley, blind dates, arranged marriages. These things still exist. We've just added some supplimental ways to meet people. The biggest way being the internet and daiting websites. I've tried the online daiting thing more than once and more than once I'd say it worked out. Obviously not in the long run, but I'm not ready to count it out.

I've met this guy... well maybe met is the wrong term. I've been texting with this guy... lol We've been texting non-stop since Thursday evening. Just before he headed out of town... This is where the anticipation comes in, waiting for him to return to Oregon so we can acutally meet face to face. Mmm... a n t i c i p a t i o n ! ! !


I though I'd add that once again this anticipation didn't live up. Though it was fun for the few days that it lasted.

Don't Rush

Don't weep over my body,

For I'm no longer there.

I have gone to meet my Papa,

He's waited so very long.

Don't cry over my grave,

For I have never seen it.

Instead I'll be waiting for you,

In all our favorite places.

Don't rush through life to get here,

You'll join me soon enough.

Just live your life every day,

Do more than bide your time.

Don't miss a single sunset,

or run from any storm.

I'll miss your more every day &

It's ok for you to do the same.

But remember life's too short,

We die too young.

We must live life to the fullest,

The best is yet to come.

P.S. There's no author listed because it's me.

Ugh... Do I have to?

When my dad first told me that he got me Tinkerbell figurines I was a little confused. I thought, seriously dad? I'm an adult, what in the world am I going to do with them. I can no longer tell you which was the first of my 8 figurines, but I can tell you that I absolutely love them. They're all very sassy and each one makes me laugh, because it features a phrase that I've likely been heard saying. From "It's not fair!" to "I'm not listening!" It originally a 3 piece set and was supposed to stop there, but they just kept coming. Not that I'm complaning. Friday dad told me that a new one had arrived. I excitedly asked where it was. He, of course, left it at home. :(

While I was at his house today I asked where it was. He got it out for me and opened the package. When I took it out and read what it's phrase was I couldn't help but laugh. Dad asked me what it said to which I replied, "Ugh... Do I have to?" He said that yes, I did have to tell him... so again I said, "Ugh... Do I have to?" At this point all he said was my full name. Brett and I could only laugh. It took like four times for my dad to get it.

:) I love my Tinkerbells!

Another year gone by...

I'm finding things quite ironic right now. Here I am listening to the same song, "Fireflies" just before my birthday just as I was last year. I know this because I thought I'd go back and look at what I had to say before my last birthday. The answer to that is nothing. I never posted about my birthday. As my 26th year of life fades into the past I'm reminded of a time when I was little and how I just knew exactly where I'd be by now. Of course you realize that I'm no where near there and while this saddens me, it doesn't leave me despondent as I had expected. At 26 I was supposed to have a husband and babies, instead I have a few close friends and a budding career. I know that I'm part of the procrastination generation, but living is not something that I want to put off. I was thinking that for my birthday I'd write something truly great about my goals for the year. So here I was thinking I'd write this great thing and I can't seem to come up with what it is I should set as my goal.

Yesterday, I got up early and headed downtown to give a deposition in the industrial district just north of the Pearl District. Of course, even with all my planning the connections didn't work and I ended up having to walk about a mile from Chinatown instead of just a few steps. While this did make me late, I didn't let it get me down. I mean who doesn't want to walk a mile in the cold first thing in the morning? I was done with my deposition quickly and headed back out to the cold. This time I was ready for it and excited to be able to not have any responsibilities for the rest of the day. I slowly started making my way back downtown, even though I knew where I could catch the streetcar. I stopped and watched the horses at the MPU (Beautiful horses and cute guys in uniform), I wandered through a very interesting city park, strolled down the boardwalk and wound my way back downtown. I didn't have a destination in mind, and even spent part of the time talking on the phone. I just walked and took in my surroundings. I decided that I really could live and be happy in the city. It's the suburbs that kill me. There's no life here. Empty streets and lonely houses. I mean there's actually a house that we call the lonely house. It's this little old couple that live there and they park in their garage. They must only use the back half of their house because there are NEVER any lights in the front. They never have company either. I only know that it's a little old couple because I caught them pulling into their driveway and straight into the garage one day while waiting for the light to change. I just don't want that to become me. I remember a time when I had so much drive and I was so brave at trying new things. Now I'm terrified to do anything alone.

After I got home yesterday Gramma and I went to dinner at Ramono's, while our waiter couldn't write upside down very well he was a great server and very interesting to talk to. He seemed about my age, prolly a couple years older and he's been all over. He sings opera and speaks Italian. He was pretty cute too! He's currently saving up money for a new visa to go back to Europe. He does this all alone. I admire his courage.

This is prolly my longest post to date and I don't feel as if I've done what I set out to do. I don't know what this 27th year will bring me, but I have hope that there will be happiness, love and laughter. And just like last year, I'm still waiting for my prince.

Big Sky

I found myself face to face with a inspiring sky tonight. Of course this happens when I am essentially without camera. I had my phone, but the picture wasn't right. While faced with this glorious sky I realized that I want less of what I do have and more of what I don't have. I want less electronics, clutter, drama, stress, strife, and doubt in my life. I want more space, love, inspiration, belief, space, and did I mention space? By this I don't mean that I want more physical space to live in, but space in a general sense of the word. I feel like I've spent my whole life in the wrong place. I was made for wide open spaces and freedom.

I look at nights like tonight and I wonder how people can doubt God. How with a sky painted so beautifully can we just say it's just the weather. How can you not bask in His glory? This picture does not do justice to what I actually saw, even if my view was marred by power lines, buses and traffic.

Lost Generation

While exploring today I stumbled, or should I say clicked across a blog which had a poem that caught my eye. I'll post it, but I'd also like to point out that said blog had Cha! Cha! in it's name. Of course those of you who know me know that this is quite funny. I'd like to say that while this part I'm typing is short, the time it's taking to get it out is not. I fear that laying in bed for the last three days has hindered not only my typing abilities, but also any spelling abilities I had at one time.

Read this poem line by line taking time to think about what it says.

Lost Generation



I realize this may be a shock but

'Happiness comes from within'

is a lie, and

'Money will make me happy'

So in thirty years I will tell my children

they are not the most important thing in my life.

My employer will know that

I have my priorities straight because

work

is more important than

family

I tell you this

Once upon a time

Families stayed together

but this will not be true in my era

this is a quick fix society

Experts tell me

Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce

I do not concede that

I will live in a country of my own making

In the future

Environmental destruction will be the norm

No longer can it be said that

My peers and I care about this earth

It will be evident that

My generation is apathetic and lethargic

It is foolish to presume that

There is hope.



And all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it.
 
Now start at the bottom and read it in reverse starting with the line ending in hope.
 
It's amazing how just changing the order of words can ultimately change our way of thinking.