I'll Be There

Dear Papa,

You would have turned 78 today. Today was a busy day. I'm grateful for that. It means I didn't have much time to think about all the things I'm missing without you here. I went to work, went to school and made it all the to Brookwood before I broke. See there's this song by Josh Turner that makes me miss you so strongly that I feel like I might break all over again. The song lists all the things you're supposed to be here for. There's not much in it that doesn't make me think of you. "Anytime, anything, anywhere. I'll be there." but you're not here. I feel very fortunate that I have so many wonderful memories of time spent with you and of you being there for me, but it doesn't always help.

"I'll Be There" - Josh Turner
When you need picked up 'cause you fell down
Need a piggyback ride or a birthday clown
Need a song to take you to sleepy town I'll be there
When you need a coach or you need a fan
Need a castle built out of ocean sand
Or a rainbow chaser,
I'm your man
I'll be there

[Chorus:]
I'll be a tear dryer
A paper airplane flyer
A monster runner-offer if you get scared
I'll be a sap I'll be a sucker
A story maker-upper
Anytime, anything, anywhere I'll be there
When you break your heart or skin your knee
Need a big ol' hug or a bowl of ice cream
I promise you can count on me

[Chorus:]
I'll be a heart menderA prayer sender
A hoper and believer when it's all up in the air
A strong and steady shoulder
I'll be a secret holder

Anytime, anything, anywhere
I'll be there If you need a frown turned to a grin
Or you need a hand just to hold your hand
Need a daddy or you just need a friend
I'll be there
I'll be there
I'll be there

It's been just over 4 years and I can honestly say that it is easier. The thing that most people don't get is that it's not that my grief has lessened, it's that I've adjusted my baseline. I've learned to live with an essential part of me missing. I don't hear you anymore. I've gone through every picture, hoping to catch a time when you accidently put the camera on video and recorded for a few seconds. Hoping to find you saying something. Even as simple as, "Just a sec."

I love you Papa, and I'll see you when it's time.

68 Ford Memory

While I know that I posted this on FB, and most of you who read this are on FB and have probably seen it, I thought I'd share the story behind it. I didn't see a circle and say, "Wow that's perfect!" I honestly didn't even see the circle to start with. I had been brainstorming all kinds of things that I could take pictures of throughout the week. Wanting to come up with the perfect one and there were some others that I came up with. This picture actually started with a smell. The pungent aroma of gasoline. Now this wouldn't be unusual if I were say at gas station, but I was in the parking lot at work.

As I was walking to my car, focused as I always am to get gone as quickly as possible. I stopped short as I was instantly 12 years old again. I was climbing up onto the bench seat of the Big Blue Beast. Now honestly, I don't have any specific memories of being in this truck, but I associate it specifically with spending time with my dad.

In the past couple of years I have spent so much time thinking about the negative aspects of my childhood, but I'd much rather focus on the positive. Waking up early to go fishing with Dad, even though I'd leave him to do the fishing and I'd go exploring. It was more about the drive and the music quizzes than it ever was about the fish. I never did learn to like putting worms on hooks or taking the hook out of a fish. I remember dad helping me with my homework, especially with math.

Needless to say, this picture is a result of a happy memory.