Back at Work

Ok, so today's my first official day back at work and not to have the next two weeks off... I had a meeting yesterday and it seemed to go well. I've decided that I'm going to try and blend into the background. That's the new goal. I figured that if I blend into the background I can keep from getting myself into trouble. Hopefully it will work. Ok well off to work, talk to you later.

My heart's breaking all over again...

So here I am sitting on the phone with my mom... and my heart is breaking all over again. Last night was the hardest night I've faced yet. And while mom made me feel better about it, seeing it from a different way, I think it started the breaking down of everything. I think it started in science... how one little comment can break down walls that you so painstakingly struggled to build. Once again I feel that feeling in my chest as if something is physically missing. Like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and left me with the gaping hole. I feel like I'm spinning out of control, while maintaining a perfectly even keel. Though I will be ok, and I know that I will... it currently feels like the world could end today.

Lost, but back at school.

Ok, so here's the newest... I'm back at school... YAY or not. I don't know... A small part of me wants to be excited, but a part of me is confused, it feels wrong to be excited, or having fun. My Gramma keeps calling me her rock, and talking about how horrible all of these other people are doing, but here I am, standing tall. It feels as if I'm betraying him, because I'm not a complete emotional wreck. Yes mom, I was listening to our conversation, I do understand that because of the "power" of my beliefs I'm having a less difficult time with this. But SERIOUSLY it feels WRONG!!!! I don't care if it's my beliefs that are helping me, I feel like crap, because I don't feel like crap! And how do I tell Gramma that I'm afraid to make a list of the things that I would like to have, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. There are things that I'd love to have and cherish, but I don't know that I have any right to have them. I guess we just do the best we can every day. Is it strange that I let myself forget that he's even gone? Really, I think I actively try to come up with why he could possibly be away, while Gramma's still at home. The first night I didn't sleep on the couch, Gramma came in, like always to open my door and the blinds in my room... and you know what, I laid there, waiting for Papa to come in and sing to me. I literally waited for a full five minutes before I realized that he'd never be able to do that again. With that, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow's a brand new adventure!