Too Much

I'm lost again. Lost in this world where people can't take care of themselves. Where it's MY job to fix their problems. It's not like I haven't done enough to help already. I can't fix my own problems, how in the world can I fix theirs? The stress is making me physically sick. I love her, but I can't do this any more. I feel like the weakest strong person ever. Anyone know a good psychologist, who doesn't charge much? The bottom of a bottle just doesn't appeal to me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I know my friends are there to listen... and I appreciate that, more than they know, but I really need someone who is completely impartial. Someone who isn't going to judge me or just tell me what I want to hear.

It's my favorite time of year and instead of being all happy and excited like I should be, I'm stressed, down on myself and alone.

Hopefully things will improve.

Broken

Feeling a little like this tonight. It's just not enough right now. I'm not enough. Not happy enough. Not helpful enough. Not punctual enough. What I'm doing is just not enough. I wonder if Antarctica is hiring teachers?

My Bubble

This is the third year, and fourth camp I've come home from now and I have the same issue each year. I have no drive to write about my experience. When I leave for camp I enter this bubble. It's a bubble where I am safe and loved and I don't have to worry about much other than taking care of my girls for the week. It's a week where I get to escape reality and live in a world of people who are loving and responsible. People who don't expect me to take care of them, just to help them with a normal amount of things.

One of my favorite things about camp is how much I learn. I didn't go to church as a child and so I never learned the basic Bible stories that most church going children learn. Last year I loved learning about Joseph. I actually feel like I know a story from the bible. This year I wasn't as prepared. I knew a head of time from training what story the children would be learning and so I spend a few weeks before camp reading the stories myself so that I would be familiar with them. I learned this from my first year at camp when I realized that I was only hearing half of the story since we take a break and have a meeting while our campers are in chapel. I'm not sure that I could tell you what story we learned this year... I know we talked a lot about our past, our right now and our not yet, Peter, the Disciples, and how God changed some names. Oh, and how he wants us on His team. Maybe I just missed the mark this year.

This year was particularly challenging for my other half. She had two girls who were especially difficult at times and I'm astounded by how she handled them. I found myself thinking more than once this past week how blessed I am to have such an amazing best friend. I had a rough few days physically and she kept me going and was constantly checking in to see how I was feeling. By the end of the week when her girls were being especially difficult I was feeling better and I tried to step in more to help with them, though I don't know how much I succeeded. There were times where I had to stop and ask myself how she would handle the situation. I have some learning to do myself when it comes to using Love and Logic with children.

There are so many memories I have, and they fade so fast that I think this year I'll attempt to write them down...

• Making signs @ 10pm Sunday night, so sleep deprived from the night before that I hit my head on the ground while laying on my stomach trying to color.
• Laughing SO hard with Carolyn that I broke blood vessels around my eyes. 
• Getting YELLOWED out for Amazing Race with all the girls from Room A.
• Staying in one spot for most of Critter Safari and having various girls bring me new salamanders after I drop one. Especially the one I dropped on the rock. 
• Being a Fire Marshal for Juggler Chris while he juggled and hula hooped fire! 
• Seeing Royal Leader J's face while he held on to his water gun as a Fire Marshal.
• Teaching Royal Leader B how to make bracelets during dorm time.
• "Catching" a 70MPH water balloon with my stomach through a hula hoop.
• Slip and sliding with my fellow counselors.
• The reverse dunk tank.
• Javalin Throw.
• Convincing Royal Leader S to participate in most events during the Olympic Field Games.
• Polar Bear Swim.
• Having an actual conversation with Royal Leader J while his counselor when to check on another kiddo. 
• SNOT.
• Helping C build her creation at the wood working station.
• Canoeing with C.
• Walking REALLY fast to get said creation from other side of the lake so it could be painted. 
• Riding bikes and doing bike repairs.
• Singing with C on the bus ride home.
• Sitting with Royal Leader S and talking about Polar Bear Swim and how he sat on the edge and still ended up with two bugs and saved his string from his donut. 
• Dinner with Carolyn, Tommy, Tori and Jim! I think we laughed through half of dinner!

These kids are amazing. They face so many challenges in life and I feel truly blessed that I am privileged enough to get to spend a week with them each year. I am so sad that I have to say goodbye to more of them each year, but happy that more children have an opportunity to come and get the experience. 

Now I'm back to reality and it's hard. Life outside of camp isn't as easy. Coming home is like a culture shock. It's a different world out here, and not I'm not so sure I like it. Until next year my Royal Family! I'll miss you.

The Start.

Tonight marks the start. Of what I'm not sure just yet. There are so many things that are out of my control. It's time to actually take control of some of the things that I can, but choose not to. I think I've been doing pretty well at how I choose to respond to the things that are outside of my control, but that's part of the problem. I'm responding to things instead of controlling them. I can talk the talk, but I'm not walking the walk.

Last week I posted on fb without thinking about it. "So there's this guy and I gotta admit, he's got my attention. Had it for a while now. Bottom line is if he wants me, I'm all his. And if he doesn't, I need to be set free." I didn't think about the reactions I'd get, or who would even respond. I was simply tired of just thinking of this person. I got a response and he knows who he is. Many people know who he is. He says we both know how we feel. Yes, we do, but is that all there is? This "if we only lived closer" mentality? I still don't know what's happening here... but by the end of this summer I will. I'll  have my answer and I don't have any idea right now where it will leave me, but I know that I'll handle it with grace.

A couple of weeks ago I was all set to move 2.5 hours South of home to start my career. I tried SO hard not to get my hopes up. I knew that thinking past that interview was foolish. I am so hungry for my own classroom that I did it anyway. I thought about where it was that I could move, and if it would be possible to crash at the De's house to save money for a couple of months. I KNEW BETTER! So of course getting that phone call broke my heart. I've only had three interviews in my chosen field! What in the hell is wrong with me? I don't know if it's worse that I'm not getting interviews or if I got that far over and over only to be rejected. I'd say I'm not trying to whine, but this is my place to vent. Deep down I know that I'm a good teacher and I'll get my classroom someday, but right now it's hard to keep that in sight. Something has to change.

I've now been out of college for two and a half years and I don't feel like I've got much to show for it. I'm still living at home and not even getting anything saved or putting a dent in my student loans. Again I ask what in the hell is wrong with me? Oh that's right I'm too busy buy crap and doing things that I don't need to. Not to mention taking the summers off and not working at all.

I have zero will power. I'm so nice that I let people use me and stress me out. I say things to fix that, but don't follow through. I bend over backward to do things for others and it's getting me nowhere. My acupuncturist told me last week that he thinks that a good portion of my pain is emotional. So I wonder, would moving across the country... oh wait that's not really an option until I finish my masters. I'd be a fool to leave mid program. My big question right now is how can I fix the things that I've let slip out of my control?

*Disclaimer... I know that I'm switching tenses here... It's necessary, maybe by having people other than myself know my goals I'll feel more responsibility towards them. I'm horrible at setting goals and accomplishing them. I've only ever set and stuck to two goals. Graduate high school, and graduate college with honors.

So I said that this summer could be a game changer... I think that these are just part of what that could mean. I don't know it all now, but this is a start...

Step 1: Make a plan for mom. No more same day calls for "help" with things. Set aside specific days. That way she'll stop asking and you might be able to enjoy her company for just that instead of getting ticked off at being asked for something. *I <3 you mom, but this has to change or I won't be able to help at all.*

Step 2: That TV was bought for Zumba, not Hulu Plus. If you don't do the workout, you don't get the TV time. Period END OF STORY!

Step 3: That bike wasn't bought to collect dust either. You can't even make more than a 5 mile ride... Remember the goal is 25+ miles. You won't make it if you don't start riding.
*Steps 2+3=5. That's 5 days a week. NO LESS!

Step 4: That Master's is not just something that you need. It's something that you want. Quit acting like the thing should just be handed to you and do some damn work. You know if it's important you should be at the library where there isn't a 32'' TV sitting 10ft away.

Step 5: Your dog is leaving. He's not going to be just up the road for much longer. And while it's GREAT that dad's happy and moving forward, it will break your heart when he's gone, so spend some damn time with him.

Drowning in Paper

Grrr I’m drowning in a sea of words. I know that I want to look at student perspectives of the use of dialogue journals, but I’m not sure to what end. I want to know what kind of impact they have on student-teacher relationships. I also want to know if they increase the students feeling of being listened to. The problem is that I’m not allowed to look at impact. I think I’m just making all of this too complicated and for that I blame the lit review. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if my articles wouldn’t have printed in like 8pt font. Not to mention the multiple inches of dead space on the page. I know that I just need to buckle down and focus, but would someone please just give me my subtopics so I can quit trying to figure out what the heck they’re supposed to be?

Disappointed.

Ok, so where now... I guess it's comforting that the principal said that she wished that she had more positions open. This is why only having a handful of interviews sucks, you don't ever get used to the idea of being rejected for a job. I'll save my tears to shed, likely for the drive home and I'll move on, I'll persevere, it's what I do. So here's to the next one, to God's plan for me, may what's to come be better than what's here.

I'll Be There

Dear Papa,

You would have turned 78 today. Today was a busy day. I'm grateful for that. It means I didn't have much time to think about all the things I'm missing without you here. I went to work, went to school and made it all the to Brookwood before I broke. See there's this song by Josh Turner that makes me miss you so strongly that I feel like I might break all over again. The song lists all the things you're supposed to be here for. There's not much in it that doesn't make me think of you. "Anytime, anything, anywhere. I'll be there." but you're not here. I feel very fortunate that I have so many wonderful memories of time spent with you and of you being there for me, but it doesn't always help.

"I'll Be There" - Josh Turner
When you need picked up 'cause you fell down
Need a piggyback ride or a birthday clown
Need a song to take you to sleepy town I'll be there
When you need a coach or you need a fan
Need a castle built out of ocean sand
Or a rainbow chaser,
I'm your man
I'll be there

[Chorus:]
I'll be a tear dryer
A paper airplane flyer
A monster runner-offer if you get scared
I'll be a sap I'll be a sucker
A story maker-upper
Anytime, anything, anywhere I'll be there
When you break your heart or skin your knee
Need a big ol' hug or a bowl of ice cream
I promise you can count on me

[Chorus:]
I'll be a heart menderA prayer sender
A hoper and believer when it's all up in the air
A strong and steady shoulder
I'll be a secret holder

Anytime, anything, anywhere
I'll be there If you need a frown turned to a grin
Or you need a hand just to hold your hand
Need a daddy or you just need a friend
I'll be there
I'll be there
I'll be there

It's been just over 4 years and I can honestly say that it is easier. The thing that most people don't get is that it's not that my grief has lessened, it's that I've adjusted my baseline. I've learned to live with an essential part of me missing. I don't hear you anymore. I've gone through every picture, hoping to catch a time when you accidently put the camera on video and recorded for a few seconds. Hoping to find you saying something. Even as simple as, "Just a sec."

I love you Papa, and I'll see you when it's time.

68 Ford Memory

While I know that I posted this on FB, and most of you who read this are on FB and have probably seen it, I thought I'd share the story behind it. I didn't see a circle and say, "Wow that's perfect!" I honestly didn't even see the circle to start with. I had been brainstorming all kinds of things that I could take pictures of throughout the week. Wanting to come up with the perfect one and there were some others that I came up with. This picture actually started with a smell. The pungent aroma of gasoline. Now this wouldn't be unusual if I were say at gas station, but I was in the parking lot at work.

As I was walking to my car, focused as I always am to get gone as quickly as possible. I stopped short as I was instantly 12 years old again. I was climbing up onto the bench seat of the Big Blue Beast. Now honestly, I don't have any specific memories of being in this truck, but I associate it specifically with spending time with my dad.

In the past couple of years I have spent so much time thinking about the negative aspects of my childhood, but I'd much rather focus on the positive. Waking up early to go fishing with Dad, even though I'd leave him to do the fishing and I'd go exploring. It was more about the drive and the music quizzes than it ever was about the fish. I never did learn to like putting worms on hooks or taking the hook out of a fish. I remember dad helping me with my homework, especially with math.

Needless to say, this picture is a result of a happy memory.