A Mask

I wear a mask. You've seen it. I am never without it. I don't wear it to hide from the world. I wear it to survive the world. We live in a world that is undeniably judgmental. I wear my mask when I can't feel what I logically know I should. I can look at things in my life and see how happy I should feel...but I don't actively feel it like I think I should. I have it pretty good. For the most part I'm a healthy 32 year old. I have two degrees in a field I absolutely LOVE. I have a family that has supported me way more than I feel I deserve. I mean seriously, I'm not sure that I deserve it. I don't know where I would be without them. Their constant support and defense. I have amazing friends who build me up in so many ways. I have a friend who, though I'm not sure she knows it, has helped me heal from some pretty serious life traumas, just by connecting me with other people and bringing me closer to God. I have a friend who just, gets it. She gets my dark and twisted. She's always known when I needed the light shined in my direction. I have SO many people in my life who encourage and support me. I may not connect with them often, but they're always there for an encouraging word. These are my people. They are why I wear my mask.
I wear a mask so they don't have to see my pain. I wear a mask so that they don't have to see my jealousy. I wear a mask so they don't have to see my disappointment. I wear a mask to conceal my grief. SO much has happened that he has missed and lately I find myself drowning in the grief of that loss. My mask is my protection...for them. My mask allows me to focus on them. The ones I love. To find out how they're doing. To see what I can do for them. Sometimes my mask slips... and I feel raw and exposed...and scared.... scared that if they saw all my hurt and pain and my darkness they would have to leave. They'd have to leave because it would infect them. I wear my mask so they won't worry.
Sometimes my mask is just getting out of bed. Sometimes it's taking a shower. Sometimes it's just breathing.
I have a man in my life who sees through my mask... it terrifies me. He looks at me sometimes and just seems to see it all...though he doesn't know exactly what he's seeing, only that it's concerning to him. It makes him worry, and I hate that I can't tell him what he's seeing. There aren't any answers. I don't know why I have to feel it all or why at times it seems to consume me. I'm grateful that it hasn't sent him running. I HATE quiet summers. The downtime is my worst enemy. I start out relishing the break. The ability to take some time to just be. To lay around all day and read if I so choose. To binge watch a TV show... But then the loneliness settles in...and I forget all the other things I could be doing...the things I should be doing. Going for a bike ride, exploring some new area, going to the beach... I need to get back to being ok with being alone sometimes.
I am happy. I am whole. I am in love. I have a dark cloud following my every move. I am moody and grouchy. I am a bomb waiting to explode. I cannot explain why. I don't understand.
I am happy. I am healthy. I am whole. I am enough. I am smart. I will be ok. This dark cloud, it's temporary. I will move past it. I think I know the answer... something greater than myself...I think it's time for some perspective... I'm good. I've got a plan. The Ocean's Pull... it's calling to me...

Support

Such a complex word, owning SO MANY definitions. It's a verb and a noun. It's origin is to carry from below. What does it mean to me? It means the world. It means confidence. It means being able to reach my goals. It means life and freedom. I don't need the origin version of the word. I need the second verb definition: give approval, comfort, or encouragement to. In some ways I know that I'm too black and white. I KNOW there is a grey area. This space in between, where maybe people care, maybe they don't. Maybe they just don't want to invest in it. When I feel like I'm lacking in support from someone I don't just feel like I'm lacking their support, I feel the neglect and abandonment. That's not their fault. That's on me. I need to accept that.

So, here's my promise to myself. No more black and white. If someone doesn't want to, or isn't going to support me in the positive choices I'm trying to make that is their CHOICE and I cannot take that away from them. I need to do my best to support them in spite of their choice. They aren't responsible for the choices I am making in MY life. The job of my loved ones is to support my positive choices by showing encouragement and approval. We cannot count on others to do their jobs, only on ourselves.

A Little More

I feel like my last post needs a follow up. I woke up that morning and just felt off. I felt lost. I felt all of those things I talked about. I wrote every word, and all the while my amazing boyfriend was telling me I was amazing. That I was enough. That I was beautiful. Even though he was telling me those things, I couldn't shake the feeling. So, I sat down at my desk and typed. I typed out all of the feelings that were crowding my heart and mind. I put it all out there and then I walked away. I waited for the moment that I would feel safe and whole again. He does that for me by the way. He makes me feel a peace I didn't know was possible. Each day he makes me feel a little more.

A Little Less

I feel a little less today.
A little less brave.
A little less ready.

I feel a little less today
Like something vital is missing

I feel a little less today.
A little less strong.
A little less prepared.

I feel a little less today.
Like something's not quite right.

I feel a little less today.
A little less amazing.
A little less beautiful.

I feel a little less today.
Like I'm missing something big.

I feel a little less today.
A little less enough.
A little less worthy.

I feel a little less today.