Update

Ok so I haven't written enough lately. Here's a blog. I have nothing new to add right now... I know I'm boring... too busy working on homework. Here Jess this is for you... an update... Ok. I'm done now :) enjoy! :)

A picture sparks a thought

I was looking back, I guess to see what I thought was so important in my life before December, nothing. Well not really, it's all trivial now. But that sparked another thought. I have a picture of Papa on my page and many times when I look at it I feel as if nothings changed. I mean I look at that picture and think about all the life captured in it... I think it's the only picture that doesn't bother me. Someone somewhere said that a picture captures your soul... I don't think I've ever given it much thought until recently. I look at that picture and I don't feel anything specific, at least anything different than I always have when I've looked at a picture of Papa. With some other pictures I look at them and something's missing. Maybe that seems strange, but there's one picture that I was looking at and I really felt as if something was missing from the picture. OK, well I have to get back to my Music midterm... maybe more later :)

The Writing Bug

Ok, so I think I've been bit by the writing bug. Has anyone seen him? I'd like to thank him. While I haven't been able to do the writing I'd like to... In this case a poem I intend to entitle Hero, or something close to... but I'm writing again. I've written more this week than I have since I can remember. I have a confession to make to my family... I haven't told any of you this yet... my I have my interview for the Education Program tomorrow at 1pm... I know I'm sorry I haven't called... you know me though I don't like to jinx myself when it comes to interviews... we all know I tend to find a way to not get a call after them. I know this case is a little different, and I prolly wouldn't have told Em either, but well she's my roommate and Ryan kept asking me if I'd gotten a call and I couldn't lie about it. I don't think I have anything else to say... I've written so much lately that there's nothing left flying around in my head... I love it... maybe some ideas for Hero will come to mind... Question... how do you leave a gift for someone who's "no longer with us"? *Yes I understand it's a strange question... don't ask me why, I likely wont tell you... but if you have any ideas please let me know... ANyways I'd like to know if people are actually reading this... so leave comments!!!!!!!!! yes M that needed more !!!!! and more than three :) Seriously yo's leave comments it's not nice to read and not leave comments ;) Or at least email me...

One thing after another...

Who thought that I'd find the urge to blog two times in one weekend? Well lets just say that Brandon's attack was just the first thing in a series of incidents. After I came in the house I called Dad and had a pretty good conversation with him, it was nice. I made something to eat and sat down and watched some TV. Nothing too exciting, but I managed to "enjoy" the rest of my evening. I got up the next morning (Saturday) and did my final preparations for the ORELA, only to realize as I was walking up to the building that I was approaching a 4 hour test without my glasses... ok so it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I didn't get too bad of a headache. I almost lost it in the test too! here I was entering the science section of the test and questions about test/subject research came up asking about control groups and the amount of knowledge people involved in the study have, including the doctors. Instantly I could picture standing outside of ICU room 12 looking over this packet of material, listening to my uncle say that they're going to try it, even though they don't know if he'd even get the real treatment. I seriously needed some fresh air, but I knew I couldn't leave the building, though no one would have known I couldn't take the chance. I sucked it up, like Papa would have told me to and finished the test. I came back home and watched a movie on abcFamily, it was good... then I started watching something on my laptop while I attacked the mess that was my room, that's what happens during the week, I just let it go, only to attack it when I'm in the mood.... well I started in on trying to find a new location for a laundry sorter I bought, as I'm tired of having to sort my stuff out when I need to do a load. Anyways I started cleaning out my closet and came to my crate where I keep all of my hats, with the exception of my new OSU hat, so not the point. I was moving my hats to put something else in the crate, pulling each hat out carefully to stack them. That's when I saw it. The hat that Papa had given me, a thought crossed my mind and I thought just maybe if I tried I could smell him, by smelling the hat. Just something, a hint that he'd been there, that he'd worn it. Unfortunately it just wasn't there. Then as I was standing on my stool, clutching this hat I looked down to find his camera case, still containing the camera he loaned me eight years ago. Something that I don't know if he ever intended for me to have, but something that none the less I will treasure for the rest of my life. That brought me to look at my book shelf where my sacred bag of rocks sits, a constant reminder that no boy that he wouldn't approve of is worth my time, boys are stupid, throw rocks at them! Bringing me to yet another thought, if he isn't here to give me his approval, how will I know if someone is good enough for me? How will I ever know? School, this apartment is supposed to be my sanctuary, I'm not supposed to have to deal with this stuff here... I mean I know I do, but I'm not supposed to have it thrown at me. Then to top it all off I was watching TV on my laptop tonight and on this episode they were talking about people in the hospital and saying goodbye and again I lost it. I mean I can't help but remember that feeling of sitting in the main lobby of the hospital and staring up at the window that was his room and realizing that Lilly was no longer in the window and there was something covering it. Only to find out that they'd covered all of the windows in his room.
So here I am once again with this whole thing being torn open, I wish I could get a knot in the end, just to make it stop opening up everytime something triggers it. Again I am left without any energy, feeling empty, lost and broken... and I can only imagine that this is a fraction of what Gramma feels everyday, and I wish I could do something to ease that pain, but only time can help these wounds... so time is what we'll give it, right Gramma?

Unbelieveable Neighbors!

Ok, so at 11 I got home from work... I was pullin in to my parking spot and in front of me was my neighbor (Brandon), the one whom I've actually talked to on more than one occasion. He pulled in and I was pulling in right next to him when Tyler (his roommate) opened his door, I promptly stopped so that the person could get out of the car, and when the door was shut I proceeded to pull in to my spot. I Set my stuff on the trunk to get my bag out of the back and said hi to Tyler, who apologized for the "door thing" I then followed him and two of his friends upstairs. Brandon and his girlfriend stayed in his car. I said goodnight to Tyler as he and his friend went into their apartment and as I was getting my door unlocked Brandon came running up the stairs. He looked right at me and said "It's ok if you've been drinking and driving, but you almost took off my door." Yes SERIOUSLY!!! He said that to me! (Yes I'm aware I've used my exclamation points, but I don't care!) I promptly told him that I had not been drinking and his response was "I don't want to argue here." I mean seriously, what's wrong with this guy? I didn't even come close to his car!!! I know I pulled in towards my spot a little fast, but I stopped and waited for his very drunk friend to get out of the car and shut the door before finishing. So I just apologized (Whatver) and finished opening my door. I set my stuff down and decided that I couldn't just let this go, it really offended me. I stepped across the hall and knocked on the door and Tyler answered, with the girl who'd also gone inside. I asked Tyler to assure Brandon that I had not been drinking, that I was in fact just coming home from work. That's when Tyler asked me what had happened... Let just say that we finished our conversation with Tyler saying "Damnit Brandon" as he was closing the door. I think I'd be pretty safe saying that he wasn't too pleased with his roommate.

While I think I handled it pretty well, seeing as someone had just accused me of drinking and driving. I do think that I could have handled it better, and wish that I would have been less emotional and therefore been able to confront Brandon while he was talking to me.

Ok... I'm done... sorry to vent... wait no I'm not... this is my blog and I'll vent if I want to :)

Crazy world...?

Ok, that was lack of a better title... maybe one will come to me... so here I am 1 hour and and 42 minutes from when my ed app is due and it is still not done... ok so really all I have to do is get off my butt and go make my copies and then actually hand it over. I know I know just do it already... but seriously this is a huge deal... this is it. I mean I've been working towards this for three years now and I'm finally to the point that I can take this step. I'm terrified! Also I just got the newsletter from camp... and am kinda bummed that I wont be returning this year. Yeah I know that I hated most of my summer when it came to my fellow counselors... but a small part of me will always see that place as home... not the people... just the camp itself. The gorgeous sunsets over the mountains, the ridiculously hot days, the AMAZING tan I got... I don't think I'll ever be that dark again in my life. I mean I'm looking at the page and seeing who's returning as support staff and seeing how I think that it's great that certain people are getting these positions... but a small part of me wishes that I could be going back there too... but I know that I'd just be miserable if I did go... I mean really, I was allergic to the entire state, bugs and all that. Who would want to do that all over again? I guess me.. lol.
No seriously I don't want to go back... This is going to be an amazing summer. What with whisking away to Cali for Jess's bachelorette party in June, Summer classes in July, Rissa's wedding in August, and Finally Jess's wedding in Septemeber, followed directly with my entering the ed program... what more could I possibly ask for? Oh wait I know... :) ... No, I am happy with my life right now. I'm a little overwhelmed with assignments and projects right now but I know that I am strong enough to get through all of this. If there's one thing that Papa taught me (among the many things) it was that I am strong enough to do ANYTHING!
Speaking of Papa... I think, now that I'm back at school... and I see myself from a different angle that this whole time when I really thought that I was in complete denial that I was in my own way dealing with it. I can make comments at work and not feel like a crazy person... and I can think about happy things when it comes to him... Though Saturday brought one of my hardest days in a while. What I thought was me being sick to my stomach was really the feeling left behind by a disturbing dream from the night before. It left me with the feeling that I could have stopped it all... which I know in reality to be a false statement. But in my dream I could have stopped it all and I could have woken up to find him alive and well. It was hard waking up and having to remind myself that he truly was gone and anything in my dream was not going to change that. It's ok though, I know that I'll have days like that, and I know that many others will too. I just remind myself that if I wait, he'll visit me again... and hopefully the next time it'll be a dream that leaves me feeling better in the morning.
Ok, now that I've put it off for another 10 minutes I guess I'll start getting ready to go to the library and get my application photocopied...

Goodbye for now

Cara