New Traditions

With all that's happened in the last year there was never a doubt that we'd be pulling double duty at the cemetery this year. Dad and I picked up the two extra trees when we went into Newburg. He got both of them put up in the horrible weather and even got the decorations and lights on Brandon's. Yes, lights. Every year my dad goes up and puts the three up and brings along one small strand of lights and a heavy duty extension cord. He plugs it in to the box on the pole right at the bottom of the hill. We're not the only family who does this either. There's always at least one other, sometimes two that plug in lights for a loved one. Brandon's tree has a hodgepodge of ornaments gathered over the years. Even one that his little sister donated who knows how many years ago, though my ornament really doesn't look the same as it once did.

The new tradition really falls with Papa's tree. It's been exactly one year and we're doing ok. I'll honestly say that more tears have been shed today, and in the past few weeks. We went up to the cemetery as soon as we saw that the sun was out. While Gramma was putting some garland up I decided to draw in the snow. It's not as easy as it looks and my hands were frozen from holding myself up. It was worth it though. This of course was after I was throwing snowballs at his headstone. (He would have found it amusing, though I would have had snow all down my back as a result.)

After we got all of the ornaments on the tree I went back to my car (which had Christmas music blaring) to get my camera. I snapped this shot as I was closing the door. (She doesn't know I took it) While she's unaware of the picture, I think it's beautiful. She'd stepped back to get a better look at the tree. It was important to us that there be a tree up there this year, even though I feel that he'll be here in the house with us during Christmas.

The last picture is a closeup of the finished tree. It turned out really nice and even has his favorite ornaments from the tree in the house. It's still strange to think that he's not here with us, and I still reach for the phone to call him. I even still get angry when I need a question answered and the one person who seemed to have all the answers in the world is the one person who can no longer answer me. I miss him, we miss him, but we're strong and we're making it.

Winter Wonderland

Well, we've been blanketed with white stuff since Sunday now. I got to Sean's late Saturday night and we'd planned to meet Gramma and Dad to go get trees on Sunday morning. Instead we woke up to a phone call from my dad telling us that we needed to look outside. Winter had officially arrived. So after watching the news, and talking to dad, we decided that coming into Gramma's wasn't the best idea. Instead we went to the store and picked up some food for later in the day and spent the whole day just layin around watching tv, cooking and baking. When we found out that Sean didn't have to work the next day we decided that we could sleep in. We got up late monday and decided to go into Portland. Though I'm not quite sure if we are sane. It was very cold down there. Though I'm pretty sure we both had a good time.


This morning I got up and went with my dad to get trees for Gramma, Papa & Brandon. We went into Newburg and met up with uncle Mickey to get them. It was kinda nice to be able to spend some time just dad and me. On our way home we had to stop by his house to pick up some stuff and while we were there we took a break to play with the boys and build this amazing snowman. I know the picture's kinda blurry, but we had a blast. I was just going to make a mini one, really thinking that Wyatt would just start playing the the snowball thinking it was a ball he could heard. Then dad came out and started making the base. Once we got it all put together dad found some wood for the arms and I got out the spray paint to give him some eyes, buttons, a scarf and a mouth. We called it a day after that and headed on to grammas.

It's really nice to be back home and spending some quality time with gramma. It started Tuesday when I finally made it down from Sean's in Vancouver. We spent some time shopping and getting all of the "last minute" things we needed to get. Most of which wouldn't feel so last minute if it weren't for the peculiar weather we've been having. We've braved the weather a couple of times now.

Tomorrow we're gonna get the tree set up, and decorated. Hopefully I'll get some stuff wrapped and maybe even get a package ready to be mailed east to mom's.

Though I just left Vancouver on Tuesday morning I can't wait to get back up there. It's nice being able to spend more than just one day at a time with Sean. Especially since I know that winter term is just around the corner and will lead to very busy schedules for both of us.

Hope, Strength, Dream!

Here's to hope. Hope for a good holiday. Hope for peace. Here's to strength. Strength to get through this holiday strong and still believing.

I just finished my first term as a Pre-Service Teacher!!! I wasn't the most productive person this term and I know that I'll drive myself crazy if I'm not more on top of it next term. I am really happy to know that I've made it though my first term and that I've only got 3 more to go. I know it may seem like a lot, but when you've been in college for 6.5 years... three terms is nothing. I've only got one more test to take to be done with testing in general, but I'm afraid it'll be my most difficult one yet. It's the one that I feel I haven't been properly prepared for. That's what happens when you get a professor who doesn't cover the material that's really important.

Tomorrow my best friend and inspiration graduates. For the last 4 years Jess has been my right hand girl. (Even though an hour and a half ago she told me she'd call me back in a minute) I feel truly honored that she's including me in her celebration tomorrow. If it weren't for her I may not have had the drive to pursue my dreams. She helped me realize that you really have to life your own life and follow your own star! I love you Jessy-O!!!

Today is the 12th of December and in two days it'll have been one year since I last got to talk to my hero. This week has been pretty rough. I remember back to the beginning of this year and having this feeling of him wrapping his arms around me. It was at a time when I was feeling particularly alone. I'm happy to say that I don't have that problem this year. I pray that I'll have the hope and strength to get through this holiday season. I have faith and that faith will provide me with my strength. It already has by bringing Sean into my life. A guy who brings a smile to my face every day.

With a long day a head of me tomorrow it's time to sign off.

The Not to CIvil War...

Talk about an intense first half of a game. I never thought I'd be sitting in Reeser Stadium during a Civil War. I've watched quite a few of them, but never did I think that I would have the change to actually be sitting in the stands. Thanks to the amazing tickets my boyfriend bought, we were sitting just off the 30 yard line. The seats were amazing, and after the game we decided that we really woudln't want to be any closer than we were 20 rows up from the student section. I can no longer think of a better way to spend a Saturday in the fall than sitting in Reeser Stadium watching the Beavs.

Being as sick as I was on Saturday I completely zoned for most of the first quarter. However I wasn't so out of it that I didn't notice as duck after duck went running past me with the ball, all the way to the end zone. If only the Beavs had brought just a bit more defense. In the end a valuable lesson is learned, tradition or not home team doesn't always win the game. :)

Well the never-ending pile of homework is calling me... only 10 more days left in the term!!!

A Walk Down Every Lane

Sunday Sean and I spend an amazing day wondering the streets of downtown Portland, Lloyd Center, and Cascade Station. We decided since it was such a beautiful day out that we'd spend our day wondering around going where ever we decided to head. We spent some time trying to find various shops that I remembered seeing at one time or another. We walked down to the Pearl District and stopped for something warm to drink. This was the pole that was outside, or rather the artwork they used to cover it. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera so I just snapped a picture with my phone. It's not as easy to see with this picture exactly what it looks like, but it's essentially a totem pole. There are three basic "faces" one in white, which is a cyclops, one in black which is an angry face and the sides in red which is again a cyclops only this time semi-angry. There was just something about this artwork that made me want to stop and take a picture. There was lots of interesting architecture throughout this area that amazed me. I would love to live in a place like this. Just for fun Sean stopped to grab a flier from a reality company and the cheapest place was +500 a square foot!!! There was also an area that actually had a boardwalk. What a boardwalk was doing in a place like downtown Portland I'm not quite sure, but it was interesting to walk on. The landscaping was beautiful as well. It was a part of Portland I'd never really seen before so this was definitely a treat for me.

There was a major down side to this neighborhood. One that just couldn't be overlooked. While walking we discovered that more than one tree was being put up downtown. Of course there is the beautiful main tree in Pioneer Courthouse Square, but there was also a slightly smaller one being erected in Jamison Park. When I say erected I'm being quite literal. As you can see by the picture here, the tree is quite PERFECTLY shaped. Nothing like the one in PCS. Well I decided that we had to take a closer look because I just wasn't sure that it was real. (Mind you we started on the other side than from this point of view) When we walked close by it we discovered much to my dismay that it was in fact a fake tree. IN OREGON. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, ON DISPLAY OUTSIDE AND THEY'RE GOING TO USE A FAKE TREE, THAT'S A DISGRACE!!! When we'd walked past I quickly turned around think that this needed to be documented only to find out that there was a door to the tree. You can see it in the picture by the shadow created. It's also where the garland is disturbed. It reminds me of the story "The Christmas Tree That Ate My Mother"

Well from here we wondered back towards the Max and got on the Trolley and headed to Lloyd Center and wondered there for a while. I did a little bit of my shopping and we again headed out this time for Cascade Station. After a stroll through there we grabbed some dinner and decided to call it a night.

I'm headed to Tri-Cities tomorrow, off to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. Since I wont have computer access while I'm here (Not quite sure what I'm going to do.) I figure I'd get a jump on what I'm thankful for this year.
I'm thankful for my friends and family.
I am thankful for a God who has a plan even if I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm thankful for those I've lost this year, not that I've lost them, but rather that they are still with me.
I'm thankful for the amazing man in my life who has brought me so much joy this past month.
I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned and those I've yet to learn this year.
I'm thankful for my father who has become a man I can respect and look to for advice.
I'm thankful for friends who have my back no matter what comes our way.

These are just some of the things that I'm thankful for.

Bit by the Christmas bug!!!

Ok, so on my way home today I was mysteriously bitten by the Christmas bug. I was drivin' along minding my own business when all of a sudden I had the urge to listen to Christmas music and think about what I could do for the special people in my life.

Maybe I was inspired by a clip I had recently seen for How the Grinch Stole Christmas. That's how I felt last year in the wake of Papa's passing. This year for some reason I'm ready to get the jump on it. I feel like I have enough spirit for the entire family. I feel as if Papa's watching over me knowing that I always have a hard time getting into the swing of Christmas. I think I'm ready to handle the stress that will undoubtedly accompany this holiday. I'm diving in this year with not only my whole body, but my whole heart. Knowing that this is Papa's holiday, and it's something that I can still share with him.

I love you Papa, and it's with you in mind & heart that I attack this holiday with more spirit than I could ever imagine!!!

So many things... so little time.

I know I've been neglecting my duties as a blogger in terms of keeping this all up to date. Loads of stuff has happened in the recent past.

Let's start with a few weeks ago. I started dating a wonderful guy named Sean. We met through a "dating site" yes I know they're not always a positive thing... but you don't ever know what you'll find unless you put yourself out there. This particular site is nice because it "matches" you up with people based on your response to certain questions. Sean and I started talking and after a 6 hour phone conversation we decided that we should go on a date and see how it all played out. He ended up picking me up at Gramma's house and we went to Shocktober Fest at the Hillsboro County Fair Complex. It was a really fun night full of laughs and scares. I determined that I was completely terrified of chainsaws. After the haunted attractions we decided to go see a movie. We saw Quarantine and lemme tell you that was one messed up movie. He dropped me back at Gramma's after our 7 hour date.

The next weekend we went to see Saw V, I've finally found someone who will go see scary movies with me!!!

On the 31st of October Sean came down to see me in Monmouth. That night we officially became a couple. We've worked out seeing each other on the weekends and know that we both have busy workweek lives. He's a employee and student at Concordia University and lives in Vancouver, Wa.

Let's move on to the best weekend EVER!
I bought us tickets to the Oregon State vs Cal game on the 15th of October. My dad and Sheri picked us up in the morning and we hung out with them until the game started. I quickly learned that I LOVE watching football with Sean. He had no problems teaching me the things I had yet to figure out about football. I mean I had been watching football for years, alone, with my dad, with Papa, but no one had ever taught me what the downs were. I mean seriously I had no idea what a first down was and why it was important. I knew from watching it on TV that you wanted your team to make it past the yellow line that the people drew for you to know where the line was. That's it. Now I know exactly what it is, why it's important and I can enjoy watching football in a whole new way.

I know that there are people who are worried that I might be "rushing" things or whatever. But I can honestly say that before I met Sean I was a happy person. I felt whole and knew that no matter what I would be happy with my life. Now that I've met Sean I'm only happier. He treats me like a princess, better than anyone outside of my family ever has. I've done a lot of growing since my past relationships and this one is different than all of those before. I'm not with Sean to make someone else jealous, I'm not with Sean so that I'm not alone, I'm with Sean because I want to be and because I like him.

I have a lot of stress in my life right now, but I'm sure there's a reason for all of it. I know that as long as I continue to look up and remember that God's on my side I can do ANYTHING!!!

Using web 2.0 in my classroom

**Note to readers** This post is for a class. I didn't see the point of creating a whole new blog for just one post for an assignment.

The only way I can currently see using any web 2.0 tools in my classroom is as a teacher. I am currently placed in a second grade classroom with 80% being ELLs. I don't see how any of the tools we've been shown would truly benefit my students. I could see in the future when working with older students, that wikis could be useful when having students work in groups, but truly more likely would be for late middle/high students. As a teacher I could see using the social bookmarking as a valuable resource. I do use the concept already, but the old fashion way, by sending my peers an email with the links in it. I already make pretty good use of RSS by subscribing to the blogs of my friends who are also teachers. I'm sure that as my RSS subscriptions grow I'll find use of the aggregators, but until them I'm quite happy without them.

If I were in a high grade, and had students who had a decent command of the English language I would consider using blogs for my students.

Surprise...Surprise

Go figure, once again I'm on the outside. I love my family don't get me wrong, but so often I find myself sitting alone, or sitting with them like I'm invisible. Sometimes I feel like I'm 10 again and fighting for attention from my cousins, or fighting just to fit in and belong. During the drive to the movie tonight I tried to talk to Gramma about what dad had to say about Sean and how he brought up what happend with Mike and she told me once again that I was a completely different person, and not a good one at that. That or they're afraid that I'm "rushing into things". Seriously, I'm fine. I have to put my heart out there sometime or I'll end up alone. Besides, that's not really what I meant when I said that dad brought up Mike. He was refering to the fact that Mike broke my heart. I'm sure four years is enough time to get over it. More than enough likely. It wasn't like Mike was the love of my life. Yes I loved him, yes I was even in love with him, but I've moved on.

Then there's the fact that I was faced with a new realization and it sucked. For as long as I can remember, when ever I felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable, left out, or whatever not great feeling I had I could ALWAYS go over to Papa, curl up in his lap and he would make it all better. Last night when I finished my original post on here I went outside, in this enviornment the computer just wasn't cutting it. I walked out to the side of the house, I felt lost. I sat on the curb and instantly realized where I needed to be. In Papa's arms being told that it would all be ok, that I just needed to put myself out there. I tried to think of all of the places that I could feel close to him and they were limited. I knew his chair was where I really wanted to be, but it was in a room full of people and already had an occupant. So instead I sat on the tailgate and cried. Cried for all of the things that I miss, for all of the things he'll miss. I got dragged back in for dinner, and as soon as people started leaving I curled up in his chair with my iPod and cried. I cried for a long time. When everyone had gone home I talked with Gramma. It made it better, to be able to talk to the one person who could possibly understand just how it feels to miss him like I do. I'm not saying that her and I miss him the same, but for us it's close.

So accomplished.

I've haven't felt this accomplished in so long. I can't believe the amount of work I've gotten done today. While I know that I spent much of the morning slacking off and doing lots of nothing I still got quite a bit of stuff done tonight. I managed to get almost completely caught up on my notes for one class and finished an entire lesson plan. *Caution confession coming* I've finally written a lesson plan all on my own!!! The idea and everything, all mine. No one can take any bit of credit for it. I still have a lot of work to get done. Including, but certainly not limited to a paper that's due Friday morning at 9 am.

As for other exciting news. I actually assisted in teaching for the first time in my class. There was an incident which required my teacher to step out to talk with the principal and she handed me the class. It was completely scary I wont lie. Lucky for me it was at the end of the day and the second easiest thing we do. It was a math lesson on doubles and neighbors (2 & 2 and 2 & 3). All I had to do was ask the students to tell me what went on top of our number sentence and what went on bottom. It felt really great that she trusted me to just completely take over the class, and to actually be teaching not just monitoring their abilities to work on a worksheet.

Lets see... what else is new? Well I guess an update about Sean is in order. In the words of Izzie Stevens, "We're going steady." lol There's just something about that statement that is so old school, aside from the fact that it's a term from the 50s. He lives in Vancouver and we only get to see eachother on the weekends, but I actually think that's likely a good thing. With him working during the week and me at school/in class during the week I'm way more focused, knowing that if I'm going to be responsible I have to get my work done before the weekend. Espeically since I don't do any homework on the weekends anyway. Never really have, well Sunday nights aren't really the weekend, just like Friday nights aren't really the work week. It's a nice trade off.

I... I don't know what else I really have to say, I've said alot tonight. :)

So there's this boy...

when I think about him I can't help but smile. He's a complete gentleman, I seriously don't think I've opened a single door. He's... well I guess I'm still learning... *abandoning blog to edit Em's paper. :)

Will You Dance With Me?

Will You Dance With Me?
I'm a dancer,
and I move to the rhythm of the music
Oh it carries me away.
Yes I'm a dancer
I was born to live this life
I did not choose it
And when the song begins to play
Oh please, please will you dance with me?

I'm a dreamer,
though my head is the clouds
I keep believin'
they really do come true,
a rainbow chaser
and at the end I know that all the love I needed
I will find it here with you
So please, please will you dance with me?

Baby, can you hear the melody, I swear I've never heard a sound so sweet
Makes me want to take your hand,
float across the floor.
I've never felt like this before.

I'm a lover
Of all things everywhere God set in motion
like the Sun, the Moon and stars are lives together
We'll rise and fall like the waves upon the ocean,
if you take me in your arms.
So please, please will you dance with me?

Ohhhhhhhh
please will you dance with me?
Uhhh Ohhhhh...


I truly heard this song for the first time today and it kinda just struck me. Maybe it's because I dance everyday to the beat of my own tune. Maybe it's because while on my date I was literally hearing songs in my head. (Sean had to ask me twice what song it was that I was hearing.)

:)

A Little Bit of Evil in All of Us

Ok so I never thought that I could be so much fun to take ones phone hostage. I just wanted to know what it was that she said. :) I guess there is a little bit of evil in all of us. :)

Today started out horribly early and horribly. I awoke at 2am with a cramp in my leg and couldn't shake it. Then I was late to class, and later than I like to be to school.

It got slightly better at school however. For the first time today more than one of my students actually called me by name instead of "teacher" which was awesome. Then we had a fire drill and I got separated from my class and I had two students with me. I was picking up the stragglers left in the class and the alarm sounded. I reached up to grab the envelope we take with us (though I'm not sure what it's for since it's basically empty and holds no information) and looked out in the hallway and the doors leading to the rest of our class had closed. Ok I rounded up all two of my students and headed outside. It was crazy. I got to see the productive side of a difficult student too. That was completely rewarding even if the staff who see him daily don't see it that way.

First Date

Ok so I'd like to start out with my venting. Vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent.

Now that that's done with. I started talking to this guy and we had this awesome conversation about all kinds of things. We've spent quite a bit of time texting too. Last night we went out on our first date. We went to Shocktober festival. It's a Halloween themed festival at the Hillsboro fair complex. There were two PG-13 attractions and two for the younger ones, along with mini golf. We went and did all of the attractions and discovered that I am rediculously scared of chainsaws. When we were done there we decided to go see a movie. So we headed back to Gramma's to check times and whatnot. Then headed off to see Quarantine. It was a really scary movie. Then he took me home. Ok time for bed now. :)

Never Truly Alone

For what is likely the first time in my life I feel truly alone. Please to those I've talked to don't take this personally. You are where you are and there's no changing that. Today started out a great day. I finally finished the third book in the Twilight Saga and was ready to move on to the fourth. Most of you don't know this, but every one at work is ahead of me in the series... you know how much I like being behind in reading something fun. So I go to work and have a pretty good day until the last two hours. LITERALLY THE LAST TWO HOURS OF MY SHIFT!!! This man comes to my line and I ring up his purchase and he's forgotten his wallet. He looks at me and says "I'll be back." I called after him to ask how long he would be, just to his car, home, some kind of judgment so that I would know what to do with his stuff. He had dairy and meat products. He finally said "I'll be back later." I took this to mean that he would be a while and I should likely put his things away. My manager was occupied and we weren't too busy so I just turned my light off and went to assist other people with bagging and whatnot. Five minutes later the man comes back, meanwhile my courtesy girl has gone to put his stuff away. He growls, "I take it you sent my stuff back." I calmly replied, "Yes sir, I thought you'd be gone longer." He barely even let me finish before he started in on me while I was trying to get Hailey to bring his stuff back. The man was so rude I had fellow cashiers stepping in to try to alleviate some of the hostility I was facing. I completely lost it... apparently I'm extremely emotional right now... which I knew why. So with that settled the rest of the night was ok. Even had a really hot ball player come though my line :)
When I got off... half an hour early... thanks Carol! I had a text message waiting from Justin. (Don't worry, he's just curious as to what's going on with me.) I texted him back and then told him that I was driving home and he could call if he wanted. We talked the whole way home, about what had been happening for the last four years. It was nice, no pressure, just talking like old friends. When I got home I decided to stop and check the mail, mostly junk, save for one envelope that I didn't like the look of. Nondescript and too plain. I opened it and my worst fear came true. I'm not going to go into details... could be nothing, could be the world. Justin kept me fairly calm, telling me to breathe when I'd stopped. I called Mom to talk to her... and no answer, her phone's off... so I called Gramma, and that was good. Then I called Jess, that was good too, other than the fact that they both pointed out that I was all alone. (DON"T FEEL BAD OR I"LL SHOOT YOU!) All alone. No one, they're all gone. Gramma's at home, Mom's in Washington, Jess in Idaho, Emily at camp. Not even my "secondary friends" are around... Kirsten (Though not really a secondary friend... is away also at camp... Melanie's across the country... Carissa's at home... and lets face it we're not as close as we used to be. To make all the matters worse, I'd just been discussing how I've been single for four years. I know all of you were pleased to see Mike go, but he was the last guy to really care... even if for a short time.
With all these weddings surrounding me, sometimes I have to wonder if I'll ever find love like that. I try to keep it light joking that "I need a boyfriend" but that's not it at all. I want to feel that kind of love. The kind that you can't possibly imagine living without. The kind that you don't want to fall asleep at night and can't wait to wake up in the morning because you don't want to miss it. I wonder if I used up all my chances at love growing up. I hope not, and I'll try to remain patient while God works on the man I'm supposed to be with. Until then I'll keep my love stories, keep reading and dreaming of a future so full of love that it'll be hard to believe it's real.

I Still Miss You!!!

I had a customer come in today and he only bought a few items, a gallon of milk and a cantaloupe, he wasn't in my line for long, but it was long enough for me to loose it. He was an elderly man, and for some reason he reminded me of Papa. Now think about the number of men who come through my line in a day. I'm still not sure why it was this man who struck me so hard. I've teared up before, just briefly, but not like tonight. When he walked away I completely broke down. I'm very thankful that no one else was in my line because I don't know what I would have told them. It was hard enough trying to tell two of my co-workers that I was fine. Now obviously I wasn't fine, I was crying. I had to step away and take some time to calm down. Once I had I was fine, though the song I Still Miss You came straight to mind when it happened.

Well I'm in the beginning of a very good book and can't seem to stay away from it :) You know me always the bookworm! :)

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

Tad bit Testy

I'm just ready for this summer to be done. Don't get me wrong there's quite a bit of fun and exciting and important stuff happening this summer. I am just so ready to be starting the next chapter in my life. Yes I know to most it seems like just another year of college, but for me personally it's a whole new chapter. I mean it's like the home stretch, I'm finally there! So with everything going on in my life and having to pay off some old debts I'm feeling a little testy. For the last six years I haven't really had to think too much about money problems. All of a sudden my savings account is empty and my bank account is bare. It's not even so much not having the money, its the having to actually monitor my spending. Not being able to say hey I love that, I'll take it! I don't really even have the money to spend on the "I need that for the next stage of my life" type things. However, I did just buy the cutest pair of mary-jane flats!!! I got a heck of a deal and I have been looking for a pair for... well forever!
On top of all of this I feel as if I'm about to snap. Not all the time, but just randomly I feel extremely agitated and find myself snapping at people. I hate it because I don't realize I'm doing it until after the damage is done, but at the same time I'm still hesitant to stand up to the people who are really the ones who are agitating me. I know most of this likely makes no sense what so ever, but here it is anyway.
I have a very long day at work tomorrow, followed by a long drive back to Hillsboro to attend a bridal shower for Carissa. Somewhere in there I have to find a gift too!!! Oh, did I mention that both of my checks for this month total less than two hundred dollars? Yeah seriously that sucks, I guess I'll be working myself to the bone for the month of August. :)

A rarity in my world

So for the first time in a long time I had a great day at work today! Really and truly. I was scheduled for a simple 5 hour shift working lunch breaks, which really means I run around and do a bit of everything. We had an all girl crew for the managers, which means a great day for me. I get along with all of the female managers so it's nice when they're the ones who are working. When I was almost off they asked if I could stay late, which was kinda nice, since I could kinda use the money right about now, so of course I said yes. So I'm just now home, and I love that it wasn't even dark when I got here. I have to be up bright and early for an 8 am meeting and work 12-9 tomorrow, followed by girls day on Sunday so I'm off to get ready for bed!!

Update ;)

Hello all!!!

Well a request came in for an update, so here it is. I'm sitting at Gramma's house, also known as my second home. And well that's I'll I have time for... maybe tonight after work I'll write more :)

I’ll Always Remember.

As I walk along I'm reminded.
Your face is a constant backdrop to my mind.
I close my eyes and your face, full of laughter, looks back at me.

I'll always remember.
The last time I heard your laugh.
I can still feel your hand close around mine as we walk along.
Your advice ringing through my head reminds me that I'm never alone.

I'll always remember.
Your voice, a constant encouragement, "Atta Girl!!!"
I know that with you looking over me I can achieve it all.

I'll always remember.
A man so happy to be alive,
A man who loved his family and would through eternity.

I'll always remember.
Your lessons, sometimes vague, but always firm.
Every moment a lesson.

I'll always remember.
A story every day.
Even told more than once, just as thrilling as the first.

I'll always remember.
Your love, constant and never failing.
Not just with words but always with actions.

As I go through live I'll always remember.
I'll live my life to the fullest, have fun today,
Because time is precious and each day is a gift.
I'll always remember.
I love you Papa!!!




I have always defined myself as a writer. Not everyone does, but I do. The hardest thing since December has been my inability to really write. To write on the one topic I've wanted to write on. I'm surprised that a school assignment inspired me to write this, but nonetheless it did and I finally feel like I've written something worth reading. The assignment was to write a poem (non-rhyming) to accompany an art print. Here's the print.

A day of FuN!

Procrastination is the worst trait to have. I mean I know I do it, so why don't I stop right? I know that at some point we've all done it, and maybe there's some deep seeded reason for it. So here I am 18 days away from the official end of the term and I have 1 paper due on Tuesday, 1 paper due on Wednesday, 3 papers due by the 2nd of June, and 4 papers due by the 4th of June. That doesn't include the small papers that should be a cake to finish, nor does it include my teaching practicum for my PE class. Or my two finals I have to take. I know that one day I'm going to look back at this and laugh my head off. I mean seriously who puts 11 papers off until the last minute? I guess the answer to that question is me.
So the real reason for my desire to get on here and start typing, other than to put my papers off some more, and get my brain working, is that I had an amazing time the other day. There's a girl I work with who's deaf, and through her I've improved my sing language skills ten fold. Her birthday is today and so she had her party recently. I met her at her house at 8:30 in the morning and got to meet her boyfriend, Joel, and her friends Cruz, Kelsey, Mira and Jesse. We all went paintballing. I'd never been before, but I had a blast. There were five of us in Brenna's truck as we went to meet the other two at the location. We played for four hours and then went to red robin for lunch. From there we went back to Brenna's and separated into our various cars and went to Kelsey's house. There I got to meet Kelsey's parents and we played Gestures. I'd played the game before, but not using sign language. That was a bit tougher let me tell you. It was really good practice though. By the time we left Kelsey's house it was after 8pm and I was ready for bed!!! I have a few bruises, but they're not too bad, well the one on my leg is kinda gross and in a bad spot, but the pain was worth the fun that I had. :)

A Great Cadet Lost

I'm not even sure what to write. I never thought that facebook could be the way that I find out that I've lost someone in my life. I logged on tonight after work to the worst possible scenario. I use facebook to keep up with those who are living the lives, at least part of them, that I wish I could. The one thing that truly linked my Papa and I. I use it to keep up with the Cadets that I was in AFROTC with. There were a select few of us when I was there known as 250s. Those of us who were combining our 100 and 200 years into one crowded year. Ben, Nicole, Aaron and I were four of the five. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the fifth, only the details about him. I've followed the careers (though still in the program) of Ben, Nicole & Aaron through myspace and facebook. When I logged on tonight the pictures of many of the cadets had changed.... all to pictures of Ben. More specifically in memory of Cadet Ben Gerling. At first I thought it was a joke. I mean Ben was such an amazing man, he knew how to pick people up. He knew what he wanted and did whatever it took to get it. I still don't know what happened...

I have an answer, well as much of one as I'll ever get regarding the situation. He committed suicide during the first part of May.

My own personal silence

I sit here in what is likely the closest to silence I ever am comfortably. The radio's on quietly enough that I can fall asleep. Well on most nights. This very early morning however, sleep alludes me. I've finished a book, played Mario Bros. and done multiple sudoku puzzles. I've realized that I don't write on here anymore. I also think I know why. I like the ability to stay caught up with people, but I don't like the fact that here, unlike my head, private conversations and even my handwritten journal I can't truly say what's on my mind. I can say the things that I'm ok with EVERYONE knowing, but not the things I feel should be kept from certain people. Or a certain person. That alone is a reason I would often be on here writing, but writing and then not posting them just isn't as fun.
Well, for those who don't know and are actually reading this I got into the Education Program here at WOU set to start in the Fall of 2008!!! This is extremely exciting and a bit overwhelming to be quite honest. Jessica is in the 3rd term and I see what she's going through, whether she knows it or not, she's become one of my biggest roll models. And with nothing against him, the day that Matt moved up here was one of the saddest of my life. I am beyond happy for Jess!!! She deserves all of the happiness in the world, but not getting to see her anymore sox as Dad says. It's kinda depressing watching all of my friends get married. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have planning to do for Jess's batchelorette party.
This term is going well. I love my Art Education class, it's a great chance to be creative twice a week at least. I also love my Human Sexuality class, the group is great and having Amy as a teacher again is also a big bonus. My ESOL classes are a mix, I love one while not liking the other. My PE class is only ok because it's with Marita, other than that it's kinda boring. (It's PE instruction basically, not a fun class)
oK, well now that I've done many things, hand written a book it seems, and have a migraine growing I'll take some medicine and head to bed, I think I'm finally tired enough to sleep, only to be up at 7:45am to head to class :)

~~Cara

Big time slacker!!

Ok so I know that I said that I would try to post more often and it seems that I've been doing less than before... well I've been busy with the end of winter term! YAY the boringness is over. Well spring break was... what's the word? Interesting? I had a pretty good break, very relaxing and got quite a bit of stuff done. Now I'm back at school and have already started my week with a 8:30am class... now I have a 5+ hour break before my next class. I've already gone and paid tuition and gotten my books, well ordered them at least. Well I guess that's an update :) lol enjoy... I'll try to get better... or I'll at least keep trying to do better :)

WOW!

Ok so Em is totally right, she could have done a better job updating my blog for the last two weeks. I guess I've just had too much on my mind to enjoy writing for fun. What that really translates to is that I've got too much homework that I've put off until the last minute and now it's crunch time and I have to play catch up. I seriously must enjoy it, I do it EVERY term. Last term it was WR440 and this term it seems to be my ESOL class. I haven't done a single thing for that class and I have three papers due next Tuesday. Not to mention my grant proposal and resource card rationale.

I got to go home this past weekend and spend some quality time with Gramma and see the rest of the family who came to dinner on Sunday to celebrate my birthday. Dad and I spent some time in Gramma's yard gettin a head start on the season to come by mowing and doing some trimming. Believe it or not it was the first time I've ever mowed a yard! (More than the let me try as a kid that lasted no more than thirty seconds) I tried the gas trimmer too, but I wasn't so good at that one. My cousin bought me beautiful roses! Which are currently sitting on my desk.

I drove down Saturday afternoon and decided that I would stop by Bales to pick up two roses to take up to the cemetery. I then drove over there and decided to start by going to Papa's grave, only his headstone still isn't up there so I had to use my detective skills to find him. Well, I went to where I thought it was supposed to be and found what I thought was the spot, but I just wasn't positive so I decided I would walk around for a few moments and make sure I was in the right spot. There really was only the one spot it could be, but I wanted to be positive, so I called Mom. Mom suggested that I walk over to the office and inquire there. So I started to walk across the field to the office and I had taken no more than two steps away from the grave when the seeminly clear sky just opened up an poured on me. I'm serious there were a few clouds sure, this is Oregon, but they were beautiful white cumulus clouds! And here it was POURING on me as I walked across the field. Jokingly to mom I said, I guess Papa was trying to tell me I was in the right spot after all. I got to the road and was getting kinda cold with now being wet and everything, so I looked up and said "Ok, Papa I get the picture, you can stop the rain now." And just like it started the rains stopped. Yeah Ok so scientifically it was a cloud burst, but not to me. In the only way he could, he was trying to tell me that I was in the right place all along. I walked back to where I started and left my flower behind, and trekked on to my next stop, Brandon. I left my rose there and continued on to Gramma's house.

Well I've spent way more time than I planned writing right now and I only have 15 minutes to finish getting ready for class... So I must go...

Cara

Update

Ok so I haven't written enough lately. Here's a blog. I have nothing new to add right now... I know I'm boring... too busy working on homework. Here Jess this is for you... an update... Ok. I'm done now :) enjoy! :)

A picture sparks a thought

I was looking back, I guess to see what I thought was so important in my life before December, nothing. Well not really, it's all trivial now. But that sparked another thought. I have a picture of Papa on my page and many times when I look at it I feel as if nothings changed. I mean I look at that picture and think about all the life captured in it... I think it's the only picture that doesn't bother me. Someone somewhere said that a picture captures your soul... I don't think I've ever given it much thought until recently. I look at that picture and I don't feel anything specific, at least anything different than I always have when I've looked at a picture of Papa. With some other pictures I look at them and something's missing. Maybe that seems strange, but there's one picture that I was looking at and I really felt as if something was missing from the picture. OK, well I have to get back to my Music midterm... maybe more later :)

The Writing Bug

Ok, so I think I've been bit by the writing bug. Has anyone seen him? I'd like to thank him. While I haven't been able to do the writing I'd like to... In this case a poem I intend to entitle Hero, or something close to... but I'm writing again. I've written more this week than I have since I can remember. I have a confession to make to my family... I haven't told any of you this yet... my I have my interview for the Education Program tomorrow at 1pm... I know I'm sorry I haven't called... you know me though I don't like to jinx myself when it comes to interviews... we all know I tend to find a way to not get a call after them. I know this case is a little different, and I prolly wouldn't have told Em either, but well she's my roommate and Ryan kept asking me if I'd gotten a call and I couldn't lie about it. I don't think I have anything else to say... I've written so much lately that there's nothing left flying around in my head... I love it... maybe some ideas for Hero will come to mind... Question... how do you leave a gift for someone who's "no longer with us"? *Yes I understand it's a strange question... don't ask me why, I likely wont tell you... but if you have any ideas please let me know... ANyways I'd like to know if people are actually reading this... so leave comments!!!!!!!!! yes M that needed more !!!!! and more than three :) Seriously yo's leave comments it's not nice to read and not leave comments ;) Or at least email me...

One thing after another...

Who thought that I'd find the urge to blog two times in one weekend? Well lets just say that Brandon's attack was just the first thing in a series of incidents. After I came in the house I called Dad and had a pretty good conversation with him, it was nice. I made something to eat and sat down and watched some TV. Nothing too exciting, but I managed to "enjoy" the rest of my evening. I got up the next morning (Saturday) and did my final preparations for the ORELA, only to realize as I was walking up to the building that I was approaching a 4 hour test without my glasses... ok so it really wasn't that big of a deal, at least I didn't get too bad of a headache. I almost lost it in the test too! here I was entering the science section of the test and questions about test/subject research came up asking about control groups and the amount of knowledge people involved in the study have, including the doctors. Instantly I could picture standing outside of ICU room 12 looking over this packet of material, listening to my uncle say that they're going to try it, even though they don't know if he'd even get the real treatment. I seriously needed some fresh air, but I knew I couldn't leave the building, though no one would have known I couldn't take the chance. I sucked it up, like Papa would have told me to and finished the test. I came back home and watched a movie on abcFamily, it was good... then I started watching something on my laptop while I attacked the mess that was my room, that's what happens during the week, I just let it go, only to attack it when I'm in the mood.... well I started in on trying to find a new location for a laundry sorter I bought, as I'm tired of having to sort my stuff out when I need to do a load. Anyways I started cleaning out my closet and came to my crate where I keep all of my hats, with the exception of my new OSU hat, so not the point. I was moving my hats to put something else in the crate, pulling each hat out carefully to stack them. That's when I saw it. The hat that Papa had given me, a thought crossed my mind and I thought just maybe if I tried I could smell him, by smelling the hat. Just something, a hint that he'd been there, that he'd worn it. Unfortunately it just wasn't there. Then as I was standing on my stool, clutching this hat I looked down to find his camera case, still containing the camera he loaned me eight years ago. Something that I don't know if he ever intended for me to have, but something that none the less I will treasure for the rest of my life. That brought me to look at my book shelf where my sacred bag of rocks sits, a constant reminder that no boy that he wouldn't approve of is worth my time, boys are stupid, throw rocks at them! Bringing me to yet another thought, if he isn't here to give me his approval, how will I know if someone is good enough for me? How will I ever know? School, this apartment is supposed to be my sanctuary, I'm not supposed to have to deal with this stuff here... I mean I know I do, but I'm not supposed to have it thrown at me. Then to top it all off I was watching TV on my laptop tonight and on this episode they were talking about people in the hospital and saying goodbye and again I lost it. I mean I can't help but remember that feeling of sitting in the main lobby of the hospital and staring up at the window that was his room and realizing that Lilly was no longer in the window and there was something covering it. Only to find out that they'd covered all of the windows in his room.
So here I am once again with this whole thing being torn open, I wish I could get a knot in the end, just to make it stop opening up everytime something triggers it. Again I am left without any energy, feeling empty, lost and broken... and I can only imagine that this is a fraction of what Gramma feels everyday, and I wish I could do something to ease that pain, but only time can help these wounds... so time is what we'll give it, right Gramma?

Unbelieveable Neighbors!

Ok, so at 11 I got home from work... I was pullin in to my parking spot and in front of me was my neighbor (Brandon), the one whom I've actually talked to on more than one occasion. He pulled in and I was pulling in right next to him when Tyler (his roommate) opened his door, I promptly stopped so that the person could get out of the car, and when the door was shut I proceeded to pull in to my spot. I Set my stuff on the trunk to get my bag out of the back and said hi to Tyler, who apologized for the "door thing" I then followed him and two of his friends upstairs. Brandon and his girlfriend stayed in his car. I said goodnight to Tyler as he and his friend went into their apartment and as I was getting my door unlocked Brandon came running up the stairs. He looked right at me and said "It's ok if you've been drinking and driving, but you almost took off my door." Yes SERIOUSLY!!! He said that to me! (Yes I'm aware I've used my exclamation points, but I don't care!) I promptly told him that I had not been drinking and his response was "I don't want to argue here." I mean seriously, what's wrong with this guy? I didn't even come close to his car!!! I know I pulled in towards my spot a little fast, but I stopped and waited for his very drunk friend to get out of the car and shut the door before finishing. So I just apologized (Whatver) and finished opening my door. I set my stuff down and decided that I couldn't just let this go, it really offended me. I stepped across the hall and knocked on the door and Tyler answered, with the girl who'd also gone inside. I asked Tyler to assure Brandon that I had not been drinking, that I was in fact just coming home from work. That's when Tyler asked me what had happened... Let just say that we finished our conversation with Tyler saying "Damnit Brandon" as he was closing the door. I think I'd be pretty safe saying that he wasn't too pleased with his roommate.

While I think I handled it pretty well, seeing as someone had just accused me of drinking and driving. I do think that I could have handled it better, and wish that I would have been less emotional and therefore been able to confront Brandon while he was talking to me.

Ok... I'm done... sorry to vent... wait no I'm not... this is my blog and I'll vent if I want to :)

Crazy world...?

Ok, that was lack of a better title... maybe one will come to me... so here I am 1 hour and and 42 minutes from when my ed app is due and it is still not done... ok so really all I have to do is get off my butt and go make my copies and then actually hand it over. I know I know just do it already... but seriously this is a huge deal... this is it. I mean I've been working towards this for three years now and I'm finally to the point that I can take this step. I'm terrified! Also I just got the newsletter from camp... and am kinda bummed that I wont be returning this year. Yeah I know that I hated most of my summer when it came to my fellow counselors... but a small part of me will always see that place as home... not the people... just the camp itself. The gorgeous sunsets over the mountains, the ridiculously hot days, the AMAZING tan I got... I don't think I'll ever be that dark again in my life. I mean I'm looking at the page and seeing who's returning as support staff and seeing how I think that it's great that certain people are getting these positions... but a small part of me wishes that I could be going back there too... but I know that I'd just be miserable if I did go... I mean really, I was allergic to the entire state, bugs and all that. Who would want to do that all over again? I guess me.. lol.
No seriously I don't want to go back... This is going to be an amazing summer. What with whisking away to Cali for Jess's bachelorette party in June, Summer classes in July, Rissa's wedding in August, and Finally Jess's wedding in Septemeber, followed directly with my entering the ed program... what more could I possibly ask for? Oh wait I know... :) ... No, I am happy with my life right now. I'm a little overwhelmed with assignments and projects right now but I know that I am strong enough to get through all of this. If there's one thing that Papa taught me (among the many things) it was that I am strong enough to do ANYTHING!
Speaking of Papa... I think, now that I'm back at school... and I see myself from a different angle that this whole time when I really thought that I was in complete denial that I was in my own way dealing with it. I can make comments at work and not feel like a crazy person... and I can think about happy things when it comes to him... Though Saturday brought one of my hardest days in a while. What I thought was me being sick to my stomach was really the feeling left behind by a disturbing dream from the night before. It left me with the feeling that I could have stopped it all... which I know in reality to be a false statement. But in my dream I could have stopped it all and I could have woken up to find him alive and well. It was hard waking up and having to remind myself that he truly was gone and anything in my dream was not going to change that. It's ok though, I know that I'll have days like that, and I know that many others will too. I just remind myself that if I wait, he'll visit me again... and hopefully the next time it'll be a dream that leaves me feeling better in the morning.
Ok, now that I've put it off for another 10 minutes I guess I'll start getting ready to go to the library and get my application photocopied...

Goodbye for now

Cara

Back at Work

Ok, so today's my first official day back at work and not to have the next two weeks off... I had a meeting yesterday and it seemed to go well. I've decided that I'm going to try and blend into the background. That's the new goal. I figured that if I blend into the background I can keep from getting myself into trouble. Hopefully it will work. Ok well off to work, talk to you later.

My heart's breaking all over again...

So here I am sitting on the phone with my mom... and my heart is breaking all over again. Last night was the hardest night I've faced yet. And while mom made me feel better about it, seeing it from a different way, I think it started the breaking down of everything. I think it started in science... how one little comment can break down walls that you so painstakingly struggled to build. Once again I feel that feeling in my chest as if something is physically missing. Like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and left me with the gaping hole. I feel like I'm spinning out of control, while maintaining a perfectly even keel. Though I will be ok, and I know that I will... it currently feels like the world could end today.

Lost, but back at school.

Ok, so here's the newest... I'm back at school... YAY or not. I don't know... A small part of me wants to be excited, but a part of me is confused, it feels wrong to be excited, or having fun. My Gramma keeps calling me her rock, and talking about how horrible all of these other people are doing, but here I am, standing tall. It feels as if I'm betraying him, because I'm not a complete emotional wreck. Yes mom, I was listening to our conversation, I do understand that because of the "power" of my beliefs I'm having a less difficult time with this. But SERIOUSLY it feels WRONG!!!! I don't care if it's my beliefs that are helping me, I feel like crap, because I don't feel like crap! And how do I tell Gramma that I'm afraid to make a list of the things that I would like to have, I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. There are things that I'd love to have and cherish, but I don't know that I have any right to have them. I guess we just do the best we can every day. Is it strange that I let myself forget that he's even gone? Really, I think I actively try to come up with why he could possibly be away, while Gramma's still at home. The first night I didn't sleep on the couch, Gramma came in, like always to open my door and the blinds in my room... and you know what, I laid there, waiting for Papa to come in and sing to me. I literally waited for a full five minutes before I realized that he'd never be able to do that again. With that, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow's a brand new adventure!