Lost

For years I've used my blog as a way to get my head on straight. To sort though my feelings and make sense of things. I haven't blogged in months. Not because I've been doing so great and have everything figured out, but because I haven't had the words to describe what it is that I'm feeling. This post doesn't mean that I've suddenly figured out what those words are, it means that I'm fed up of not having the words.

Professionally I feel pretty much the same as I've felt for the last 5 years. Drowning in a sea of uncertainty. Who knows where I'll be in 2 months. Hopefully gearing up for a move to somewhere where I've been offered a position.

Physically I'm maintaining, but not entirely happy with myself. I've been using every excuse imaginable to not go to the gym. It's not even part of my thought process most days.

Emotionally... well I'm a mess. The whys behind it though are the complicated part. There used to be something that I was able to do... pretty much at a moments notice and while it's been missing for a few years, I've noticed in the past few weeks just how much I miss it. Not to mention some outside negativity that I've been having a really hard time listening to. I mean I get that we don't live in a world where everything is peaches and cream, but seriously, listen to yourself talk. Stuff happens, things come up and people get busy. We can't take those things personally. At one point I thought I had one aspect all figured out...but then the situation changed and now I'm right back where I started.

Today my headspace has been completely toxic. While owning up to how I'm truly doing usually makes me feel better... there's so sense of satisfaction as I conclude this post...

Mysterious Massage...

So this is one of those dreams that really doesn't deserve a blog post, but I can't help but record it. It's so far off the path even for me. For a couple of weeks my upper back has been bothering me a little. Mainly when I take deep breaths, it feels like it needs to pop or something isn't quite right. This feeling has gone away in the last week. I don't know how or why. Anyway last night I got the most amazing massage. I thought I'd fallen asleep and woke up all within the dream. When I actually woke up I was a little confused as to why I was still in bed and fully clothed. When I looked at the clock I was surprised that I had slept clear through the night without waking. I woke up feeling like I had actually had that massage. If someone told me that someone had come into my place and given me a massage I would t

It's Not Worth My Tears

How many times do I have to break before I shatter?

Wow. What a perfect quote to sum up my brain right now. In the last couple of months I have finally started to feel like, while I haven't found the place for me yet I will be a great teacher some day. I am ready for my own classroom. I finally feel ready. Or I did. Until I opened my mail tonight.

I learned a valuable lesson in my first year of teaching. It's ok to ask for help. As a guest teacher, most often I don't know the students and they don't know me. They don't know that I believe that all children should be held to a high standard of respect and responsibility. That they alone are responsible for their learning. I'm there to teach them whatever material their regular classroom teacher has left for them, but I can't do it alone. They have to be willing to learn. So I asked for help and in return I got a negative evaluation. It's not the fact that the principal had something negative to say about my experience that day. It's that she laid the fault at my feet. I "struggled to maintain control." I did. So after all the ways I usually use failed, I called the class to the carpet, away from the pencils they were writing notes with, away from the scissors they were using to cut snowflakes with and all the other distractions they had at their desks. We had a discussion about what their job was, and about what my job was as their teacher. And it worked. For a short time. And then when they were out of control again and I was struggling to focus them I called for help. It's what we're supposed to do, right? Of course as soon as the counselor and principal approached the room the students had settled down. So either I was supposed to call for help sooner, or I shouldn't have called at all. Either way? Message received Principal, to call for help in your school results in being written up for being an ineffective substitute who requires further training.

As if struggling in a different classroom this week didn't already make me feel like "no wonder you don't have a job" this was another nail in the coffin. Let's just mention that the other classroom I was in this week was at a school where they recognize that asking for help is a positive thing and that sometimes students are unresponsive regardless of what you try. You know they saying "it takes a village to raise a child." So thank you Madam Principal, for your support as well as the support of your staff who helped us survive the day and for your reassurance that it wasn't my lack of abilities that lead to the chaos of the day.

It's times like this that I have to remind myself of students like P who asks when I'm coming back. H, who after an OK, but not goal meeting day 1 with me had a great day 2 and 3. Of E who usually has a few "off" days a week who had at least 3 great days. The class who offered me all their class money to keep me from taking an interview for a full time non subbing job. Of my class overseas who I was heartbroken to leave after just a few weeks. My class of high schoolers who were so excited to greet me each day! A whose mom told me that she wished I was her teacher full time because of how much her daughter learned from me. Of N who I supported in such an unconventional way that her father personally thanked me in the little English he had. Of the names which have faded, but the faces that never will.

I won't shatter.

I go to the Academy!!!

So last night started with a trip to a resale shop that I went to quite a bit in my childhood, but they'd reorganized yet again. I was looking for a black and white top so I went to the b/w room. There I spotted a very colorful Mrs. Potts and Chip figurine (like a Heartwood Creek one, but not the one you find when googling, just that style). Then I spotted some awesome shorts overalls decorated in white lace... Never did look for the shirt, I woke up instead.
   Then after going back to sleep I was headed for an elite school with my "adopted" family and we stopped to pick up another kid so I had to ride in the trunk, but the back seat was like mesh so I could see and talk to everyone... When we were at the "school" I was setting up my area... think like dorms, but in a warehouse... and my "boyfriend?" was in an area a short distance away setting up his area. Then someone asked me to take their "fish" back home with me when I went that night, none of us were staying at the "school" that night, we were all headed back home. My boyfriend's family was who "adopted" me, so I was going home with him. I think it was one of his brothers who asked me to take the fish, only this fish was CRAZY! You know the logo for the company that made Tiny Wings? The fish in the fish? Yeah it was like that, but three of them, but a stone fish. The fish would pop it's inner fish out at you to "scare" you off. Well it worked that's for sure. By the way I found all of this out because some stupid person decided to take the lid off of the container it was in because they thought it was too small. So I've got this fish and I'm trying to figure out how to get it into something that can contain it, so I use a towel to gently pick it up from behind so it won't pop out at me and the thing like folds in half to the left trapping my hand. I'm freaking out thinking I've hurt this stupid fish when it relaxes and releases this like dry ice fog. My boyfriend is trying to get a container for it and help me get it in there all while I'm trying NOT to freak out over this stupid fish...
   Now I actually feel like I know where some of this came from, but I can't imagine where the fish came from..... Oh Well!

That Moment

That moment... that moment when time freezes, when the world stops spinning. I've been feeling that moment every time my phone rings. Begging God, my guardian angel, the universe oh who ever happens to be listening for it to be the call I've been holding my breath waiting for. I have never felt more ready, or more confident. I've done my part and all I can do is wait, keep looking forward and hope that the next rung is within reach this time.

In 10 years.

In ten years of friendship we've been through a lot. We've earned 3 bachelors degrees, 2+ masters degrees, and countless hours in classrooms. We've been through true loss, true love and everything in between. We've gotten new to us cars and brand new cars. Houses, apartments and even countries. We've dealt with brutal honesty and immense compassion. We've had our secrets from the world and our secrets from each other, though the latter don't stay secret for long. We've gone to Disneyland multiple times, even a one day fly by trip. We've done Vegas, and numerous trips to the coast. I can't even count the road trips... what 7?

I could start getting all sappy about just how much these two amazing women mean to me, but then I would get all weepy and that's just not necessary. So I'll leave with these parting thoughts... Without these two I don't know where I'd be. Lost in a lonely world that's for sure! They see all of my light, but love my dark. To Infinity and Beyond!

Enough is Enough

When will you get it through your head? How many times do you have to be told that you're not enough? You're not good enough, smart enough, dedicated enough or passionate enough. Oh wait, that's right you've never actually be told those things... but actions speak much louder than words and the actions of the "man" are screaming, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US!"

That's what I've been hearing for 5 years. Not just in my professional life, but in my personal life as well. At what point do you just walk away and forget about it all? If I could write a letter to my 16 year old self, I'd tell her to get her crap together! That every day she wasted having fun was just one step closer to a wasted and pointless future. I'd tell her to... hell right now I'd tell her to give up.

Do you know how hard it is to be a walking contradiction? To have people tell you that you're a great person, and a great teacher and how they can't believe that you don't have your own room... and then to hear door, after door, after door shut in your face... Oh wait... those doors aren't even opening... not even getting an interview... Can someone PLEASE tell me what it is that I'm doing wrong... I'll fix it if I can... and if I can't... well then I'll know that pursuing my passion is a wasted dream... and I can stop wasting my time.

My first few years of subbing I felt like I was paying my dues. I was putting in my time and getting an amazing amount of experience out of it. Not that applications have a section where they ask how much subbing experience you have, they only want to know how much "teaching" experience you have. I really do enjoy subbing and if I made just a touch more and had benefits, I'd likely be content to continue as a sub. Instead I barely make enough to survive and don't have benefits, which makes surviving even harder.

Why now you may be thinking, why is she breaking this time... I spent a day in a building, that I truly enjoy, where there are 3 student teachers in one pod. Two of those students have jobs at that very school for next year, and the third, well she just got hired on at another school. Congrats I say... but seriously, I haven't even gotten a single interview and I'm supposed to be a "first consideration" applicant due to my previous contract status. Instead I feel like I'm no consideration at all. The application pool idea is nice in the fact that we don't have to go in for interviews that we don't stand a chance at (since they have to interview a certain number of candidates even if they know who they want), but I don't even know what openings there are or how many.

So when is enough, enough? I don't know that yet... but it's getting pretty close. I can only hold on to a dream for so long before I have to find a new one...