A Dream and A Hug

Last night I had a dream. (Not surprising if you know me) In this dream there were lots of things going on, it was a busy dream. Of all the things that were going on I only have a vague idea of what was happening. I was meeting someone in this place. I was nervous to see them, it'd been a while and I really liked them. I was bombarded by dogs as I entered. There was a demonstration with knives, simply cutting meat. Then instead of meat, it was a human, and a human skull being hacked. All these things were going on, but they aren't what stood out. They're still not something that stands out. What really stood out was a hug.



This simple embrace between the two of us. It felt like love and coming home. Like peace and happiness. I can still feel this lingering effect of that hug, even though it was only in a dream. It feels like a reminder of what's to come. I know who I saw in my dream... and maybe that's the person I'm supposed to be hugging like that in the real world. I don't know yet, but I sure wouldn't mind finding out! And if it's the person I saw, well I don't think I'd mind much if at all. ;)

Always Growing 11/28/2010

I've watched this boy grow for the past 14 years and it amazes me every day to see how he's changed. I got the honor of helping him get ready for his first high school dance. I also got to wait in the car to have an opportunity to talk to the principal to ensure that the student who had threatened him was being dealt with away from the dance. It was a great night only made better by him telling me that I was more like his mom than his mother was. It made me smile

Changing Every Second

I'm sure this really doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I feel like I'm going insane. Maybe I'm like one of these 250,000 bouncing balls racing downhill. I feel like my mind and heart are racing right along with them, though crash is inevitable. I wish I could find some kind of balance between the extremes. Why, when I find something, or when something finds me do I have to go all in? Why can't I hold back and move slowly?

Since I tend to do this over and over again, maybe I'm more like this coaster, going through the loops. UP and DOWN. I climb up, only to fall back down.  

 Or maybe it's like this one, going through all the twists, turns, loops and falls just to start back at the beginning.

I need answers. I need to know what's going on. I need to know what I'm supposed to do. I KNOW that I was pointed in this direction at this specific time by HIS hand, I just pray it was more than just a distraction. It's getting harder and harder to keep from feeling hopeless. It's like how many times can you tease a dog before it'll finally just snaps?

Where are you summer?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you stayed away?
Where is the laughter you usually bring me?
Why can't I go outside to play?

:)

This is totally how I feel right now. It's A-Mazing how a simple "I wanted to say that I miss you" can make your whole day. It was a very nice surprise and seriously had me smiling the whole rest of the day. Especially when added to the other messages received.  So I guess all I have to say is: :-)

F-

I have to ask this question: Who failed? What is it that leads us to this point? I mean we know some of the people who failed. His mother failed. I mean she failed the most. At least his dad didn't pick and choose which kids to live with him. At least his father didn't tell him he didn't want him. That's not to say that he's done much better. Ok so who's left? Did his foster mom fail him by letting him go in the first place? Or is it the grandfather who wanted him with family? Wanted him to know that he was loved. Is it the aunt who could never do enough? Or is it really the system? The system who pulled him out, put him in a home where he was abused, pulled him out put him in a group home, pulled him out, put him back with his mom. I know that every system has flaws, but seriously? I don't see the state going after his parents for child support. 


AHHHH I could go on and on, but what good would it do? He's reached the age of 15 and just doesn't care. Well at least that's what he says. I believe that he cares, I know that he does. He just doesn't know how to show it. I think that something serious needs to happen with this child or he's going to completely slip through the cracks. He shows all this promise. Like he wants to improve, but his follow through is seriously lacking. 


I want the world for this boy and I just can't figure out how to get it for him. Then again, maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe it's that he needs to learn that he can't be given the world, he's got to earn it. 

Star Struck!

 After years and years of sketching. After multiple location changes. I finally made a decision. It started with my brother finally covering up his fifteen year old mistake. I love my brother dearly, but it killed me to see that "mistake" on his hand every time I saw him. I knew that my brother was more than that mistake, but I couldn't help but think that it was how he was judged. This particular day my brother said lets go now. So I said sure. We went to one place and boy did it leave a bad taste in my mouth. The artist even told my brother he couldn't do what he wanted because "everyone does it." This lead my brother to ask me if I knew of any place to go. I instantly thought of the one place I'd always thought I'd go. 

My brother was tattooed by an amazing artist, who happened to have covered up the same "mistake" that my brother was covering. Now they almost have matching tattoos, stars on their hands. I sat through my brother's tattoo with no problems. It was actually really cool to watch. My brother also chose this time to tell the artist that I was a chicken and kept putting off getting my own. I decided that I would make an appointment for the future, locking myself into getting it, but not so much so that I couldn't still back out. The artist was sitting there and looked at me and said, "I'm free now. Why don't you just get it done?" I didn't hesitate when I said, "Let's do it." He asked me what I wanted, I simply said three stars, one bigger than the other two and some filigree. 

 This is what he came back with. I was shocked. It was like he reached in to my artistic side and pulled what I wanted right out of my head. I love EVERYTHING about it. Especially the usage of the number 3. There are three larger stars, three hooks to the filigree, 9 small stars each with three dots. 

So I guess this brings me to what most people don't know, have never known. The true meaning behind this piece of work. I started out wanting just one star, then slowly transformed to three stars. One very large and two smaller ones, this version was supposed to be on my shoulder. Then something stuck me. If I was going to put something on myself permanently there had to be real meaning to it. So I abandoned it for a while. One day I realized that it did have meaning. So here it is. The red star, the larger of the three represents me. The two larger black  ones represent my friends and my family. The filigree, extra stars, and dots represent everything else in life. From the day I got my ink forward it will serve to remind me that I have to come first. I know that this will morph as time goes on, but for now this is what it means. It also represents that my family and friends need to come before the other stuff. 


So often in life I put things ahead of myself. I don't value my own self worth, or my abilities and intelligence. I sacrifice for others when I don't have the means to do so. The day I got this done I made a promise to myself. No more. No more letting others make me feel guilty for saying I can't, or I'm busy. No more letting others walk over the top of me and no more questioning my value. I don't know that I'm doing this justice, that I'm saying it the way I mean it, but it's a start. 

Anticipation

Anticipation, does it really exist anymore? I mean, we live in this instant gradification society and it's truly diminished the value of anticipation. I love anticipation, I even love the word "ANTICIPATION!" I'm in a situation where the anticipation is killing me, and I LOVE it! With so many things today there's no waiting, no guessing, no chance, but that doesn't apply to dating. Dating still has it all. Yes we're meeting potentials in vastly different ways then they used to, but are we really? The "traditional" ways are still there. Grocery store, bar, park, bowling alley, blind dates, arranged marriages. These things still exist. We've just added some supplimental ways to meet people. The biggest way being the internet and daiting websites. I've tried the online daiting thing more than once and more than once I'd say it worked out. Obviously not in the long run, but I'm not ready to count it out.

I've met this guy... well maybe met is the wrong term. I've been texting with this guy... lol We've been texting non-stop since Thursday evening. Just before he headed out of town... This is where the anticipation comes in, waiting for him to return to Oregon so we can acutally meet face to face. Mmm... a n t i c i p a t i o n ! ! !


I though I'd add that once again this anticipation didn't live up. Though it was fun for the few days that it lasted.