Crazy Redneck

I haven't felt the need to blog lately. I suppose that's not a bad thing. When things start with a simple, I'm gonna go see a movie, would you like to join me.... One might not know what to think. When that first meeting is followed by too long standing in the cold talking... one still might not know what to think. How about coffee... closing down the coffee shop... Then... that absolutely surprising "3rd date" This crazy amazing man shows up at my door with roses and a fidget spinner. Yes, you read that right, a fidget spinner. He had noticed how much I tend to fidget my hands while talking. I personally think it was pretty awesome. He listens with such an intensity that I am astounded repeatedly. We went to TopGolf that night and had a blast. My favorite is the random pictures or texts. They often leave me laughing at just the right time. Things... things are good.

Recap

It's a little hard to believe that it's been almost a year since I last posted. I'm not entirely surprised but wow. I think it's time to attempt a brief update before I purge what has really brought me to my computer. Unfortunately I seem to be in the same place I was when I last posted in January.

January - Lots of snow days, trips to the mountain, and a HARD long term in 5th grade.

Multiple trips to Timberline with Erin.  

Long-term subbing at Elmonica Grade 5. 

Snowpocalypse 2017. Learning on the fly how to drive in the ice and snow.

February

Birthday celebrations with friends and family

Birthday messages from my work computer!

March - New bangs, which didn't last long (they're just to hard to maintain!). A SCARY fall of a chairlift required a trip to the Ski-Patrol. The ice on the dismount was too slick to maintain a turn. I thought for sure I had broken something or done serious damage. I couldn't get up on my own, but once I was up I was ok for the most part. Just some serious bruising. 

 

April - The best news of the year for sure! Finding out that Jessica and Matt were expecting was an amazing gift. I found myself lucky to be able to be a fairy godmother to this little one!

May - One classroom to finish out the year. Starting of new woodworking adventures. 

June - One killer road trip with the girls to the hottest area around. Literally with 120 degree temps we were practically melting. 

July - TRAC 2017 the year of Jonah and the Whale! It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected.  Miller Family BBQ 2017. Got to finally meet Nikki and Kenny's youngest, Levi! He's such a ham! Even though it took him a while to warm up we got to spend some quality time with them. Hopefully Kenny will be able to be there too!

August - This month brought a change in relationship status, the beach and two concerts! Kenny Loggins at the Oregon State Fair and One Republic and Fitz & The Tantrums at the #thenamechangesconstantlyhowcanikeeptrack Ampitheater!

September - Baby shower and a trip to Kurious! 

Baby DeFran baby shower!

The end of September brought a GREAT trip to Disneyland with Emily! 

Spiral

This blog... it's my healing place. My processing place. It's where I turn when I feel overwhelmed and the feelings just linger. For the last couple of weeks I have felt like a run away train. Speeding down hill and I don't know how to stop it. I'm not happy. I feel lost. I put on a brave face and keep moving. It's what is expected. It's what I have to do to survive. I don't know what's causing these feelings, but there's this sense of hopelessness that's just hovering over me.

It's like Eeyore's raincloud. It's following me around making things feel much worse than they are. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I feel like I'm on a travelator that keeps carrying me backwards. I am full on over-thinking mode. Nothing is EVERYTHING. My usual attitude is missing. All I hear is silence and the sound is deafening. I'm afraid. I don't like the dark, but I don't know how to escape it.

A Mask

I wear a mask. You've seen it. I am never without it. I don't wear it to hide from the world. I wear it to survive the world. We live in a world that is undeniably judgmental. I wear my mask when I can't feel what I logically know I should. I can look at things in my life and see how happy I should feel...but I don't actively feel it like I think I should. I have it pretty good. For the most part I'm a healthy 32 year old. I have two degrees in a field I absolutely LOVE. I have a family that has supported me way more than I feel I deserve. I mean seriously, I'm not sure that I deserve it. I don't know where I would be without them. Their constant support and defense. I have amazing friends who build me up in so many ways. I have a friend who, though I'm not sure she knows it, has helped me heal from some pretty serious life traumas, just by connecting me with other people and bringing me closer to God. I have a friend who just, gets it. She gets my dark and twisted. She's always known when I needed the light shined in my direction. I have SO many people in my life who encourage and support me. I may not connect with them often, but they're always there for an encouraging word. These are my people. They are why I wear my mask.
I wear a mask so they don't have to see my pain. I wear a mask so that they don't have to see my jealousy. I wear a mask so they don't have to see my disappointment. I wear a mask to conceal my grief. SO much has happened that he has missed and lately I find myself drowning in the grief of that loss. My mask is my protection...for them. My mask allows me to focus on them. The ones I love. To find out how they're doing. To see what I can do for them. Sometimes my mask slips... and I feel raw and exposed...and scared.... scared that if they saw all my hurt and pain and my darkness they would have to leave. They'd have to leave because it would infect them. I wear my mask so they won't worry.
Sometimes my mask is just getting out of bed. Sometimes it's taking a shower. Sometimes it's just breathing.
I have a man in my life who sees through my mask... it terrifies me. He looks at me sometimes and just seems to see it all...though he doesn't know exactly what he's seeing, only that it's concerning to him. It makes him worry, and I hate that I can't tell him what he's seeing. There aren't any answers. I don't know why I have to feel it all or why at times it seems to consume me. I'm grateful that it hasn't sent him running. I HATE quiet summers. The downtime is my worst enemy. I start out relishing the break. The ability to take some time to just be. To lay around all day and read if I so choose. To binge watch a TV show... But then the loneliness settles in...and I forget all the other things I could be doing...the things I should be doing. Going for a bike ride, exploring some new area, going to the beach... I need to get back to being ok with being alone sometimes.
I am happy. I am whole. I am in love. I have a dark cloud following my every move. I am moody and grouchy. I am a bomb waiting to explode. I cannot explain why. I don't understand.
I am happy. I am healthy. I am whole. I am enough. I am smart. I will be ok. This dark cloud, it's temporary. I will move past it. I think I know the answer... something greater than myself...I think it's time for some perspective... I'm good. I've got a plan. The Ocean's Pull... it's calling to me...

Support

Such a complex word, owning SO MANY definitions. It's a verb and a noun. It's origin is to carry from below. What does it mean to me? It means the world. It means confidence. It means being able to reach my goals. It means life and freedom. I don't need the origin version of the word. I need the second verb definition: give approval, comfort, or encouragement to. In some ways I know that I'm too black and white. I KNOW there is a grey area. This space in between, where maybe people care, maybe they don't. Maybe they just don't want to invest in it. When I feel like I'm lacking in support from someone I don't just feel like I'm lacking their support, I feel the neglect and abandonment. That's not their fault. That's on me. I need to accept that.

So, here's my promise to myself. No more black and white. If someone doesn't want to, or isn't going to support me in the positive choices I'm trying to make that is their CHOICE and I cannot take that away from them. I need to do my best to support them in spite of their choice. They aren't responsible for the choices I am making in MY life. The job of my loved ones is to support my positive choices by showing encouragement and approval. We cannot count on others to do their jobs, only on ourselves.

A Little More

I feel like my last post needs a follow up. I woke up that morning and just felt off. I felt lost. I felt all of those things I talked about. I wrote every word, and all the while my amazing boyfriend was telling me I was amazing. That I was enough. That I was beautiful. Even though he was telling me those things, I couldn't shake the feeling. So, I sat down at my desk and typed. I typed out all of the feelings that were crowding my heart and mind. I put it all out there and then I walked away. I waited for the moment that I would feel safe and whole again. He does that for me by the way. He makes me feel a peace I didn't know was possible. Each day he makes me feel a little more.

A Little Less

I feel a little less today.
A little less brave.
A little less ready.

I feel a little less today
Like something vital is missing

I feel a little less today.
A little less strong.
A little less prepared.

I feel a little less today.
Like something's not quite right.

I feel a little less today.
A little less amazing.
A little less beautiful.

I feel a little less today.
Like I'm missing something big.

I feel a little less today.
A little less enough.
A little less worthy.

I feel a little less today.